Kiss Away The Pain
by Forbiddensoul562
Summary: He hated him... absolutely despised Near. But, when Near comes asking for help... how can he say no? Re-write of Broken Pride. Eventual MxN.
1. I Hate Him

A/N: .Throws off straw hat and pulls off flowered shirt. Ahhhh!… back from vacation and back to work. So… did you guys miss me? Or die trying to figure out what I'd put in this re-write? Because, you all know I can't just SIMPLY do a re-write as that. There has to be more to it. So, yeah, there will be parts in this that weren't in the first one –for obvious reasons. But enough of my teasing, on to the first chapter!

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters of Death Note or anything else that is in the series.

Title: Kiss Away the Pain

Chapter 1: I Hate Him

It's days like these that make me hate winter even more -days when the snow's falling and the entire world seems cold and utterly silent. These are the days that remind me of _him_ and why I loathe him so much.

It seems that no matter what I do, somehow he still finds a way back into my mind; especially now.

For a while now, a couple of times a week, L calls Near to meetings with him; and every single time he goes willingly. But that's not what gets to me.

It's the look on his face as he cleans his stuff up and leaves with Watari, that makes me want to hit him. He holds that blank look of indifference for all to see, every single time.

I always want to shake him and ask if he even realizes the rare opportunity he's getting. I'd switch places with that ungrateful twit in a heartbeat if only L would let me.

It's not fair that Near get's to go to meetings alone with L just because he's number one. Our scores aren't that far apart and I work my ass off to make sure it stays that way, so I should get the same kinds of perks he does!

And yet every time I ask to be included, L always says no.

I wonder what goes on at those meetings… I bet L teaches him different ways he can be better. Or maybe he shows him old case files and lets Near try and solve them out for himself.

In any case, it still isn't fair.

Today feels as boring as ever, since there's really nothing to do. We can't go outside to play, since it's too cold, Matt's too caught up in his games to want to do anything else, and a certain albino isn't even around for me to mess with.

The very thought of boredom creeping up was frustrating and made the need to find _something_ to do more prominent.

I walked into the room that I shared with Matt to find him lounging on his own bed with a game in his hands. I flung myself onto my bed and commenced in staring at the ceiling. My mind drifted off somewhere, but I was unable to follow it.

"What's up, Mello?" Matt asked without looking up from his fame.

"There's nothing to do, Matt. Entertain me." I told him.

"You want to play one of my games?"

"No." I said with my voice trailing off at the end.

"Why don't you go pick on Near, or one of the girls? You like doing that."

"Near's not here. He's at one of those meeting with L again."

"Oh." I could hear him losing interest in the conversation quick; there was no doubt I was probably breaking his focus. I didn't care about that though –he's my friend, and because of that he's entitled to listen to what I have to say.

"What do you think they do there, Matt?" I asked with my eyes still focused on the ceiling.

"I don't know, why don't you talk to Roger about it? Or, better yet, talk to Near whenever he gets back." He suggested, pressing furiously on the buttons of his game system. I supposed he was only trying to get me to leave so he could get back to his game, instead of really answering the question.

But I couldn't help but look over at him… what he had said was a good idea… to talk to Near whenever he got back. Of course, I didn't like the idea of having to interact with the little albino, but I was also desperate to know what I was missing out on… and thus, I could throw it all away just for that.

"That's a good idea." I told him, looking up at the ceiling again. I then began to formulate a plan as to what I would do and how exactly I would go about doing it. Near was complicated, especially when it came to confidential stuff, I would need a good plan that would drag it out of him if I wanted any chance of getting at that information.

-

I waited by the window in the common room for the remainder of the day, I was anxious to figure this out by drilling it out of Near. But, at the same time, I desperately tried to keep the wonder of what he would say off my mind, knowing that it would drive me insane if I continued thinking about it. I knew that Near was smart enough to probably see what I was doing, and at that point he would attempt to change the conversation, or find any other way out of it. I couldn't let him do that.

I pulled out an unopened chocolate bar from my pocket and snapped off a piece, letting it melt on my tongue. The sweet taste that came with chocolate seemed to be the only thing that would hold my sanity at this moment.

But then, right as I was beginning to give up on this, as my patience wore thin, the familiar lights of Wammy's car began driving up the path towards the building.

I moved away from the window instantly, my heart beginning to race in my chest as I quickly went over my plan and tried to hold it firm in my mind. If I didn't I know it well, and keep to it, then Near would find a way to break it all down without me even noticing.

I waited in the entry way, snapping off yet another piece of chocolate.

I heard the car door shut, and knew he was coming.

The door opened a small bit, and when I saw the white cloth of Near's clothes, followed by his being, I didn't give him the time of day to notice me before I pounced.

"So, back from your meeting with L so soon?" I asked, biting off another piece of chocolate before pocketing it once more. If I didn't save the sweet treat, then surely I would be forced into eating more and more just to keep my composure around him.

"Yes." He replied with absolutely no emotion in his voice.

For one reason or another, that was what made me snap and I lashed out. Perhaps it was because of his lack of emotion, or it could be because in the back of my mind I was imagining him being alone with L and his teachings. But, in any case, my plan began to fade away from me and my hatred for him began to find it's way back to the front of my mind, controlling every action that i made, and every word that i said.

"How come he only requests meeting with you? It's not like you're really better than me! I work a hell of a lot harder than you; that should count for something."

When I stopped we were both left in silence and I could hardly believe the tension between us. I knew that both of us were planning ahead at exactly the same speed. Calculating what each other would do next and what our response would be to what the other said.

That was just how we were.

But I didn't need to think as far ahead as he probably was. I needed to hear some kind of comment from him so I could make my retort. Otherwise, I'd be working off of nothing, and that was not the best idea.

His dark grey eyes, that were otherwise called intimidating to those who didn't see them all the time, moved over to me, and although they held absolutely no emotion in them, I could still feel the intensity there. He had something planned.

"He requests the meetings with me because he knows that I am the better candidate to succeed him than you. He knows that because I'm not as reckless as you I am best fit for the position. I would not make a stupid mistake during a case, unlike you."

That was not what I had planned he might say.

I tried to hold myself back and not let his words reverberate around in my head… hitting at every sensitive nerve that he knew was there. I had to keep my composure… I had to come out on top this time, somehow, and if only in the smallest way.

"Near." I said through gritted teeth, trying to show him what he was already doing to me.

"You'll never even have the hopes of surpassing me, let alone L, if you continue down the path you are now. You simply look like a fool attempting in vain." He continued on as though I had given him no warning at all.

I was blind to everything else around me except for him. I watched his eyes divert away from me for only a split second before they moved back to me, and the look this time said he had found another vulnerable spot within me, that he had not touched upon yet, that he could hit.

"Oh, and your chocolate addiction is disgusting, quite frankly."

That was it, fuck holding everything back and coming out on top in our verbal battle. I could just as easily destroy this frail kid with my fist; that could put my point out for me instead.

My fist drew back and before I could second-guess myself, I hit him with enough of a force to send him to the ground.

I watched, contemplating for a moment on whether I should continue hitting him or not. That was when I noticed a small expression slip past his stoic façade that had always been plastered onto him. I focused closer, trying to see what it was that I had finally brought out of him.

But, before I got the chance to say anything about it, a new voice brought me out of our own world, "Mello, what are you doing now!" I looked over, spotting a group of girls standing there… they had witnessed my attack on him. And that's when I finally understood what his plan had been.

He had known that! He had probably seen them coming, that bastard!

"He provoked me!" I shouted at them.

"What are you talking about, Mello, he wasn't doing anything more than just standing there. We all saw." The girl said.

Anger filled me once more and my narrowed eyes moved back to him, I wanted to kill him now, and for a second I contemplated doing it.

"You bastard!" I grabbed his collar, yanking him up off the floor and instantly throwing him hard against the nearby wall. "You know you provoked me! What the hell was the point? To show that you're better than me? Because you're not!" I shouted, not caring who heard me or what those stupid girls did now.

"You're right," He whispered, just loud enough for my ears to catch, "I did provoke you."

"Tell them that! Or is it just your goal to get my in trouble today?" I demanded out of him firmly, my eyes narrowed intensely. I hoped that they clearly showed how much I wanted to hurt him now.

"No, I won't." He said, "And it was not my goal to get you in trouble either. You already completed my goal for today." He suddenly struggled against my grip, and while I knew I could continue to hold him there if I wanted to, something in his words surprised me enough to make me drop him.

He righted himself and walked right past me without another look, but did say in the same low level, "Thank you, Mello."

I was stunned into silence as he continued on, up the stairs and out of my line of sight –I suspected he was going back to his room.

The annoying girls were yelling something at me, probably something about going to tell Roger about what had happened, but I wasn't listening at all.

Near had caught my attention now, and now I wanted to know more. My plan to get the information out of him had completely failed, but in exchange he had told me something more; given me a mystery worth my attention.

I moved to the stairs slowly, as to make sure Near had enough time to get to his room before I walked up. The last thing I needed at this moment was for him to think I was following him or whatever else nonsense his mind could come up with him.

I wanted to know more behind the meaning of his words.

A/N: Ah, so that's the first chapter. You would think it would be easy but it took me almost the entire month of vacation just to write that! I'm not sure why other than that my will to do this was destroyed near the beginning of my vacation and also because I got distracted with many other projects. Anyway, let me know what you think of this first chapter! Trust me, it'll get better later on. Things are just a little difficult now, but it'll get better!

Please review!  
_-Forbiddensoul562_


	2. Little Mystery

A/N: So I'm beginning to think that once I get this story moving, it might not be as hard as I really thought it was going to be after I ended Broken Pride. I already have a lot planned, and I have someone who offered to help me figure out what Mello would be thinking at different points. I think the hardest part is going to be these first few chapters and making sure that it all flows while making sense.

Thanks to everyone who reviewed! Please continue to do so, I really love to read what all of you are thinking!

Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note or any of the characters.

Chapter 2: Little Mystery

I wasn't really sure why I was following Near, or why his words had had such an effect on me. Maybe it was because I hadn't expected it and, for once, I could hear that there was something beyond his words.

I entered up into the empty hallway and slowly, cautiously made my way down to where his bedroom was, trying not to step on any loose floorboards in the process.

Once I finally stopped in front of his door, I was unsure of what I was supposed to do.

Should I knock and wait to see what he does?

Should I just barge in and demand to know what the hell all of that was about?

I stopped just as I was about to turn the handle, the sound of the shower from the bathroom I knew was connected to Near's room reached my ears. I supposed that for once the hall was so quiet that it allowed such sounds to filter out.

But I couldn't seem to understand… why was he taking a shower now? Sure, I always knew that kid liked to be clean and perfect but, really, he'd hardly done anything that merited a shower.

I sighed, I certainly couldn't ask him about it now… and I didn't really feel like waiting and asking later. Damn… the kid was just going to get off easy on this one.

But even as I admitted that fact to myself, I couldn't help continuing to stare at the door instead of moving away as I knew I should. _'What the hell did you mean? I can tell you wanted me to hit you, but why?'_

None of it made any sense and nothing he had said sounded like Near in any sort of way.

With one last glare of irritation towards his closed door, I finally turned, defeated and began back to my own room. I wasn't sure if I planned on holding onto this and seeing what I could get from Near yet… or if I would just let it go.

All in all, I decided that it would be best to simply wait and see what happened next; to wait for him to do something else before I forced an explanation out of him.

-

It was a few days later when Near was finally called to another meeting with L, and I did the same thing I did the last time it happened –I waited for him to get back so I could assault him with my questions and see his reaction.

The day always seems to go by so much slower when you're waiting for something, and for someone like myself who has absolutely no patience to speak of… waiting was never my best skill.

I paced the common room.

I ate more bars of chocolate than I cared to even count.

Hell, I even attempted to play video games with Matt for a while!

All in the hopes of it distracting my mind so I didn't drive myself mad wondering what exactly I was going to say to Near and what exactly I hoped to get out of him.

Later on in the day, I was laying on the common room floor. I ignored the complaints from the younger kids in the room who were babbling some nonsense about how I was taking up their playing space.

And that was when I heard it.

That familiar sound of the car driving up to the front of Wammy's. It didn't take longer than a second for me to jump up from the ground and rush to the entrance way. I needed to be there and meet him there… needed to figure this out.

The door slid open and Near walked in. But I stopped instantly, all my hate and wonder dropping from my mind when my eyes laid on his entirety.

He looked unbelievably pale… to an extent that I'd never seen, or even thought possible for him before.

Near didn't say anything and neither did I. But he held the ability to not look at me in those moments while I couldn't tear my eyes away from him. What was going on in that head of his?

Finally, though, his eyes shifted over to me and our eyes locked together; though somehow there wasn't the same intensity that there had always been before.

"Yes, Mello?" He asked, as politely and formally as if this was our first time speaking.

My words flew from my mouth before I could give them clearance to. I wasn't sure where they came from… but they did. "Are you going to try and provoke me into hitting you again today?" I asked.

"No," He said, "Why would I?"

My eyes narrowed on him as he attempted to play dumb. That just pissed me off even more. "I don't fucking know, you tell me! You're the one who did it a few days ago!" I didn't even try and hide my anger from him now. I hated how he was trying to use me and manipulate me within his own games.

"I have no reason to." He stated.

"Oh, but you did a few days ago?" I asked through gritted teeth.

"Yes." He stated.

I answered, but the entire time my eyes darted around him, for reasons I wasn't sure. I guess maybe I was trying to find the weakest place on him so I would know where to attack if it came down to hitting him. "Well what the hell was it, you-."

I stopped at what my eyes landed on. I didn't even try to hide the confusion that fell across my face as I observed his wrists, which were covered by white cloth, but that pristine cloth was beginning to dye red.

The dye being blood.

"What'd you do to your wrists?" I asked in pure confusion now. My mind conjured up a couple of scenarios, but I instantly dismissed them. They all seemed far too unbelievable for me to even think too far into.

He instantly turned his arm so I couldn't see where he was bleeding onto the material of his shirt; this made me even more suspicious.

"That is none of your concern." He told me.

"No, but I still want to know!" Damn it, why couldn't this kid just ever give me a straight answer instead of holding out and making me pry into him to get it?

It wasn't as though I really cared much what the hell was going on with him. I just wanted the answer to these mysteries; and I was willing to do what I had to in order to get it.

He ignored me, beginning to walk up the stairs… probably to his room again. But then he said, "You should really learn how to mind your own business, Mello."

"Yeah well maybe you should just answer my fucking questions for once!" I shouted up at him, but he didn't reply and hardly gave any notion that he had heard me at all.

I couldn't fight the small growl that was emitted from me as I watched him go. This was almost the exact same scene as what had happened a couple of days ago… damn it, when the hell had our lives become this damn repetitive?

I even felt the need to follow him up and see what the hell was going on.

But this time, I didn't want to throw my questions at him… no, I wanted to find out what the hell had happened that had caused his wrists to begin to bleed as they had.

This was the thing that interested me most. Maybe if I figured out that part of his little mystery then I'll be able to figure the rest of it out.

This would certainly be an interesting game, Near.

A/N: Hm… I really dislike how repetitive this chapter is to the last one. But I also remember not really liking how repetitive the first four chapters of BP were either. But it was all a necessity, so I guess this is as well. Anyway, let me know what you think!

Please review!  
_-Forbiddensoul562_


	3. Ignoring Him

A/N: So I definitely hated the last chapter… and I think that these chapters are beginning to move on too quickly. Like… what had taken 5 chapters in Broken Pride has taken 3 for this one. That just seems very wrong to me. But, I guess that's alright because Mello's side doesn't really need as much explanation at the moment. He just needs to go with the flow. Dang, I'm so paranoid sometimes…

Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note or any of the characters used within this chapter.

Chapter 3: Ignoring Him

In the days that followed my confrontation with Near, I hardly saw him. I wasn't sure if he was avoiding me, or if it was something else entirely.

He was never in the common room anymore and it seemed like the only place I saw him was in class… and even then he looked heavily distracted.

I tried not to let my wonder get to me, but everyday that passed and I didn't know what was going on made it begin to creep back upon me like an itch I couldn't even hope to scratch.

I sighed as I entered my room that I shared with Matt and slammed the door behind me. I wasn't even mad… it just felt like I needed to get my irritation and annoyance out with even those small violent actions.

Matt looked up at me through goggle-covered eyes from where he was playing his game on his bed. "You're being obsessive again, Mels." He stated.

I glared at him, "What?"

He looked down again, unaffected by my venomous tone, "You're obsessing over Near again; I can tell but your irritated actions and the way you can't just sit still."

I sat down on the side of my bed and pulled out a bar of chocolate. Maybe he was right… even as I sat there I felt the need to get up and move again.

When the hell was wrong with me?

"So," Matt continued, "What is it this time?"

I sighed, "I don't even fucking know, Matt, something's up with him and I don't know what it is!"

"Why do you care?" He asked. "So what if he's up to something? You're just getting yourself worked up and locked within one of his games."

I sighed again, he had a good point. "I don't know. He's just not acting like himself nowadays and for some reason it bothers me."

"Mello, I think you're delusional. I haven't seen any difference in him."

I exhaled a heavy breath, taking a bite from the chocolate bar in my hand. Maybe Matt was right… what did I care about what was going on with that freak?

That must be the best thing now… for me to just let all of this go and move on, continuing to ignore Near and all of the weird things that he did. The more that I thought about it, the more I could feel myself beginning to relax again.

"Fine, all I have to do is ignore him." I said.

Matt nodded, "Right. So, what are we going to do now?" He asked, in an effort to assist in me ignoring him.

"Hell if I know." I took another bite off my chocolate bar.

Matt was quiet for another moment before beginning to speak again, "Hey, let's go hang out in the common room." He suggested.

I gave him a confused look, what the hell did that mean? Sure, he could play his games in there but what was I supposed to do?

I finally sighed though, it was better than nothing, since I didn't feel like staying in here any longer. Why, though? I wasn't sure. Maybe it was because the room felt too cooped up, or because I spent enough time here anyway.

I nodded and we stood up, exiting from the room and making our way downstairs; Matt continued to play his game the entire time. It never ceased to amaze me how he could do that and not trip over things.

Once we reached the first floor I paused, "I'll meet you in there, Matt." I said, beginning to walk again before he could even respond.

I made my way into the kitchen, where hardly anyone else was.

The one thing that I did like about winter was that I got to drink hot chocolate whenever I wanted. Sure, chocolate milk was good and was practically the same thing.

But somehow it just didn't match up to hot chocolate. The feeling of it sliding down my throat and mixed with those little marshmallows… it was too good to ever pass up.

I rummaged through the cabinets, grabbing the materials needed and quickly made it. Warming the milk in the microwave, then adding in the little packet and stirring it all up.

As I watched the steam rise up off my creation I couldn't help but grin. Yes, I definitely loved winter for this soul reason. No matter how stupid it might have seemed.

After I had my hot chocolate and had taken a few sips of it, I made my way back to the common room where Matt was. There were a few other kids here as well, but I didn't pay them any mind as I lay down on the floor next to Matt.

He was still playing his game, and I finally decided that it would just be easiest to enjoy my drink and watch him play. The rest of the world could just disappear for all I cared at that moment. Things were just too calm to really give a damn.

-

It hadn't been that much longer, perhaps about fifteen or twenty minutes, since we'd gotten here. I was beginning to grow bored and knew I needed something more to do.

I looked down at my cup of hot chocolate, noticing how I only had a little bit left. For a moment I contemplated going and making another, more to give me something to do than anything else.

But then, suddenly, I heard something. It was quiet… but I still heart it.

"Mello."

I froze in place… what the hell was that freak doing here? I was supposed to be forgetting about him and everything he was doing. But how in the hell was I supposed to do that when _he_ was seeking _me_ out?

I looked over at him, my eyes locking on him in a fierce, annoyed, glare, "What do you want?" I shot at him.

"I need to talk to you." He said; his entire expression a mask of emotionless. I hated that, it made me want to hit him more than anything.

I waited silently, though, waiting for him to take my cue that I was listening and to begin talking again. But it did nothing more than leave us in a fit of tense silence. Maybe he was denser than I thought.

"Well speak then, damn it!" I finally said with my annoyance showing through more than it had before.

"Privately, if you don't mind." He said politely.

"Why the hell does it have to be private?" I shot at him, growing even more irritated with him by the second. He could just never do things the easy way… "Anything you have to say to me can just as easily be said here, Near."

He shook his head in response.

"Well too bad, I'm not moving."

"It's about the meetings with L." He said. And in that moment I froze again. I continued to watch him, searching his dark eyes for any fault in them. But he was showing me nothing. This irritated me, I didn't want to give in to him and have this whole thing be something _completely_ different.

If I was going to give him the time of day then he had better stick to his word. But I wasn't sure if I was ready to listen to him anyway since that would completely destroy my attempts.

"Oh, just go see what he wants, Mello." Came Matt's voice from my other side as he pushed rapidly on the buttons of his game.

"Who's side are you on?" I asked with my voice rising at seeing even my _best friend_ giving in to him.

"I'm neutral for now," He explained, "But your anger is starting to mess with my gaming."

I finally sighed in defeat and stood up, leaving my cup in place. "Fine," I said, "Whatever, but this had better be good." I said as I followed Near out of the room.

He continued to hold nothing on his face as we moved up the stairs; I figured he was leading me to his room. I couldn't help but wonder what this was all about that it had to be done away from everyone else.

"You sure you want to be alone with me?" I suddenly asked, more to break the silence between us than anything else. "You know I have a tendency to hit you, right?"

He simply nodded.

I continued to watch him, interested now by his actions. Yeah… this had better be good.

A/N: Wow, I struggled with that chapter as well and I still don't like it; although I have a good feeling about the next chapter. I think it's going to be good! Considering that it's the start of all of this and that from here on out it'll be more interaction between the two of them. Anyway, let me know what you think!

Please review!  
_-Forbiddensoul562_


	4. Finding Out

A/N: So, after writing this chapter I can honestly say that I actually do like this chapter. I think it may even be better than the original one. Though… I could be wrong. This is a short note, but I want everyone to go read the chapter now and let me know what you think! Thanks to everyone who's been reviewing! Your reviews are so helpful!

Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note or any of the characters that are used in this story!

Chapter 4: Finding out.

Near led me into his room and closed the door behind me. It felt odd being alone with him in his room. I didn't know what to expect from this… what could be _so_ important and secret that he had to drag me into his room, anyway?

I took a seat on his bed, trying to keep myself calm and patient at the same time. But I knew the expression wasn't showing on my face as he turned back to me and studied my look. I held back the urge to throw some insult at him.

A verbal confrontation with him here would not help me get out of this room any quicker.

But I couldn't completely hold my tongue for long. "Well," I asked suddenly, "You going to tell me so I can leave quicker or what?"

He said nothing in response right away, but I was used to that. He normally took a second to think over his words before he spoke. How very cautious…

His fingers rose to twirl of those white locks as his eyes diverted away from me.

What was his problem? He's the one who had wanted to bring me here to speak to me in the first place! Why wasn't he speaking?

"I asked you something, Near!" I blurted out.

But then, I was surprised when I suddenly saw the small flinch his figure made. It was as if my words had actually hit him or something. Near never showed any reaction to anything I said before… why now?

His eyes glazed over for a moment, as though he was no longer in this room with me, before he blinked back into himself and began to speak. All of his actions were only confusing me more. "Those meetings," His words were painfully slow and cautious. He was picking and second guessing each one. I'd never known Near to be that kind of person… no matter what. What the hell was going on?

"They weren't what you thought." He finally finished.

"What the hell does that mean?" I asked.

He was silent, offering me no answer, or even a single clue as to what he meant. What the hell did he mean by that? How would he even know what I had been thinking happened at those meetings? Did he talk to Matt at some point?

"What do you mean 'not what I thought'? How the hell do you know what I thought they were about?" I asked, not even trying to fight the glare that I sent his way.

"I can assure you, they were far from it."

"What were they about then?" I asked, growing more curious as to where he was going with this with each confusing sentence he said.

"I can't tell you." He said with his voice small… close to a whisper and dripping of an emotion that I couldn't identify.

Something was up, I was positive now. Anything that brought _any_ emotion, whether I could identify it or not, out of him had to be something big. But what was it?

I understood that something big was going on, but that didn't stop my irritated, loud tone from coming up. I suppose behind my logical mind I was getting irritated that he didn't just tell me instead of leading me on these little paths that inevitably led to yet another one.

"What the hell, Near?" I took notice to his small flinch again, but that wasn't enough to stop me. "You provoke me into asking what they were about then you claim you can't even tell me?"

"You have to figure it out on your own. I am unable to say." He stated.

"Is this some kind of test L told you to administer to me?" That didn't make sense… but I figured I'd rule out the possibility.

"Not quite."

"Then what the hell's the point?" I couldn't stop my irritation from flowing through with my words. I _wanted_ to know what he was getting at, what he was trying to say, but he was offering me nothing.

"I need you to figure this out." He stated, his eyes dropping to the floor as he spoke.

That's what made me stop.

It was his words… 'need'. That wasn't something Near would say. Normally, he would say something more along the lines of, 'you must figure this out' or something else close to that. Near never _needed_ anything from anyone… especially not with me.

Wait… maybe there was a message he was trying to send to me.

Maybe he really _couldn't_ tell me, for whatever reason. Perhaps I would just have to go off of every clue he's already given me.

I began to think everything over even as I spoke, "Why?"

I could tell he was a bit annoyed at my constant questions, even if he didn't outwardly show it. But, hey, that's what detectives did. They asked questions, and they observed. That's what I was doing. I was asking him questions and observing what he was doing.

"I can only tell you once you understand." He said blankly.

I stood up, and instantly his small frame tensed, my head tilted a bit to the side. What the hell was up with him? He tensed at my slightest movement, and flinched at my harsh statements… he was beginning to look like an abuse victim, really.

"Fine, so I have to figure this out myself. Whatever." I said as I took out a chocolate bar that I'd had in my pocket.

I ripped it open and began to eat smaller bites of it as I began to circle his tense form. I took in everything about him now. I wasn't seeing my rival in front of me. I was seeing a subject for my observation. A subject that was hiding a secret from me…

I wasn't sure what I was seeing on him, but there was a noticeable difference simply in his tension. Why did I make him so tense when I wasn't even doing anything?

I figured I'd take this opportunity to rule out anything that I had thought had happened at those meetings. "So those meetings were nothing that I thought they were… no tests?"

He shook his head.

Interesting… "No cases he gave to you to solve?"

Again, he shook his head.

"He didn't teach you how to be a better detective?" I asked as I snapped off another piece of chocolate.

He shook his head once more.

I lightly sighed in frustration, walking around and stopping in front of him. He looked empty and lifeless now. Sure, he always looked cold before now… but not really to this extent. I couldn't understand what I wasn't seeing.

"Did it have anything to do with you becoming closer to being the one to be the next L?"

"Not in the generic sense you're thinking of." He watched me then, and I knew he was studying me for any reaction.

But I wasn't sure how to react.

I decided to take it just as I had taken his 'need' statement: with complete wonder and curiosity at the odd word choice.

Not in the generic sense… well that meant that I could throw out any rational thing that I could ever come up with to have happened there. Which only left the things that I _hadn't_ or _wouldn't_ think of. Well… that certainly was a lot.

I then began to think more into it. So, what he said meant that L _had_ done or said something to make Near believe he was getting closer to being his successor. But… not by anything logical. The only other thing that came to my mind was… bribery.

But why would L want to bribe Near?

"What are you thinking, Mello?" He asked.

My thoughts and wonder were beginning to stretch over to the impossible side of the spectrum, but, in fear of being wrong, I knew I couldn't tell him that. "I don't know…" I finally, safely, answered.

I though more into it, and began putting everything I'd found together.

L bribed Near into something, by using the only weak spot that he couldn't hide. Near flinched at almost every action I made as well as my harsh words. He had said that he 'needed' something of me.

This was nothing good… I was positive. I was afraid of the answers my mind was beginning to tell me; I didn't want to believe it… but I had to know.

My eyes suddenly hardened, and before he could do anything, I slapped him hard across the face; instantly I began to observe what he did.

I expected him to tense… no, I _wanted_ him to tense. I wanted him to show me something at all. Anything to prove that perhaps I was wrong.

But that's not what happened.

I watched as he went completely blank in a matter of milliseconds. His entire being went completely lifeless and numb all at once. It was as if he was… trying to block something out that he thought was about to happen.

Finally, his dark eyes slowly made their way up to me; he was silently, and almost invisibly, searching me just as I was searching him.

It was interesting, sometimes, how we could do that.

My mind shot back to the matter at hand, and I got back on my plan of action. I stepped closer to him as he looked back blankly.

My hand rose again, this time as though to hit him, but I stopped it suddenly when he made not a movement and showed me nothing whatsoever.

Then, I gently laid my hand on his cheek, using the most care that I could to make sure it was tender and showed absolutely sign of hatred or other negative emotion.

This time, he did react.

He instantly moved away from the touch, as though my hand was burning his skin. This was interesting… and it also brought an interesting theory to my mind.

I instantly stepped away from him; if I was right then he would want his space.

"So," I started, deciding to come out with everything I'd concluded now, "You don't react at all to harsh actions but you flinch away from any other kind of touch like it's fire. And I'm pretty damn sure you were looking for pain a week ago when you provoked me into hitting you. Then there's the deal with your wrists bleeding when you came back a few days after the first incident. I'm not sure whether depression comes into this, seeing as you're unemotional all the time as it is. However, that stunt from last week would support it."

"You'd be right in assuming that."

"Well…" I finally started, knowing that my options were down to only a few now… and I had a sickening feeling in me that one of them was right. "It's certainly not what I would have ever thought, because based on all that it narrows the options down significantly. And to nothing good."

"Then you're more than likely right." He said close to a whisper.

I was shocked by what he was telling me… and I was unsure of what exactly I was supposed to say, or think. This… no… Near couldn't mean…

"Near…" I asked, hearing my own voice coming out softer now, "Were you raped?"

A/N: You know, I actually thought this chapter was going to be shorter than this… but whatever. This was fun to write and everything just seemed to come so naturally. I tried not to make him sound so unbelieving right now, for lack of a better word, because that'll come more next chapter.

Please review!  
_-Forbiddensoul562_


	5. Healing Him

A/N: Alright, so this chapter took me a while to do… and to be honest with you I'm not sure why. My creative energy has been on the fritz lately and I think that's because of school and all the work that it's been piling onto me. So… I haven't started on the 6th chapter so… I don't know when it's going to come out. In the meantime, enjoy this chapter!

Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note or any of the characters.

Chapter 5: Healing Him

It was painfully silent in Near's room… I hated the silence and I hated the gripping, painful feeling that held tightly to my stomach and refused to let go. I despised the words I'd said and I wished for a second that I could take them back.

It was just… too impossible for me to even begin to try and comprehend.

But I could clearly see the wave of relief that seemed to wash over him. I wasn't sure how to react to that.

Then he nodded, and it was confirmed.

Near had been raped… that was it. That was what his little mystery was about. And the more I thought about it, the more it really did make sense. It explained his desire for pain a while ago, and his unbelievably pale figure, as well as his bleeding wrists… it just… made painfully perfect sense.

But that didn't make me wish that it wasn't.

I sighed heavily… knowing somewhere in my mind that something needed to be done. "Have you told anyone else?" I asked firmly, in the hopes of making him feel like he _had_ to tell me but not being as harsh as I probably would have normally been. I didn't want to affect him negatively if I could do something about it.

"No." He stated simply.

"Why not?" I asked, genuinely wondering why he was telling me, of all people. I hated Near… he was my rival. Why had he risked such a thing when he must have understood the risk of me doing absolutely nothing at all?

"No one would believe me."

"Yeah… I barely believe you." I said, running my fingers through my hair to try and calm everything inside me down again and looking away from him. I wouldn't be able to sort all of this out if I kept my eyes on the victim.

I tried to think this entire thing over… but even as I got to the beginning, _'Near was raped by L…'_ It just… didn't fit. It didn't seem right and certainly didn't make any sense. What was I going to do now?

"What reason would I have to lie, Mello? Whether it be to you or anyone." He said, breaking me out of my thoughts.

"I don't know!" I said, frustrated. "That's what confuses me. That's so… it doesn't seem possible." I stated, voicing my thoughts.

He simply nodded; I could see it out of the corner of my eye. Well… at least he acknowledged it.

I continued to look away from him, thinking over everything. What was I going to do? Near had told me… only me. But… wait, why?

"Why are you telling me this? What do you expect _me_ to do about it?" I asked, my eyes moving back to him in order to see what he would do.

He cringed, perhaps at the stone cold tone of my question. I hadn't meant it to come out that hard, but this was frustrating and I just couldn't hold it back sometimes.

"You're the only one I had." He answered quietly.

I stopped… the only one he had? How was that so? Had he gone mad?

"What?" I asked him, disbelief dripping from my words. "You're my rival, Near, I hate you, I'd beat you up at any free chance I can get. How the hell do you get that I'm the only one you have based on that? Are you just a masochist, or what?"

"Perhaps." He stated, which I noted on. "But realistically, over everyone here you're the only one I'm even remotely close to, and the only one who doesn't use me for any selfish desire."

I went quiet after that, thinking over exactly what it was that he had said. I didn't use him for any selfish desire? Was he oblivious? Of course I used him for a desire. I put him on a pedestal and used him as a perfect picture of what I wanted to be… what I wanted to be better than. Perhaps he just didn't notice that. Or… maybe he just overlooked it.

I mentally shook the thoughts from my head and instantly became more objective about what was currently in front of me.

"How long has it been going on?" I finally asked.

"A little over a month and a half."

"And you're just now telling someone?" I asked in disbelief, sending a glare his way.

"L has a case he's working on now. I…" There was an emotion in his voice, and all I could do was watch, as I was unable to tear my eyes away from him. He carefully began to roll up his sleeves, "Wanted to try and heal myself as much as I could in his absence. But as you can see… it didn't work out so well."

He let his arms be revealed to my confused eyes and I couldn't even fight the urge to let them widen.

There were numbers of red, irritated lacerations on his arm. They were perfectly straight and I could see the slight red areas of the unaffected skin where blood had been wiped from the skin.

I could hardly believe what was in front of me. Near… had cut himself. Purposefully. He… had known what he was doing and done it anyway. I wasn't sure what to look at now, the lacerations that amazed me so much, or Near's face in an attempt to try and understand why he had done that. I… thought Near would be too rational to ever do such a thing.

"Near…" I tried, searching for any words that I could. But nothing else left my lips. There was just nothing to say.

But then my mind told me, I needed to fix this. Near was perfect… but these were imperfections. No, I needed to make him perfect again.

With that, I stood up and suddenly reached out, grabbing his hand and practically dragged the confused albino into his bathroom.

When I finally let him go, as my eyes surveyed the entirety of the counter, I could feel him tense even though I was neither looking at him, or touching him. "Mello?" He asked.

"Sit down." I told him firmly. I would have control of him now. I would fix this… I _had_ to fix this. I couldn't even comprehend the thought of him not being as unemotional and perfect as he normally was.

I searched through the cabinets until I finally found his first aid kit, then sat down in front of him. I instantly grabbed his right arm, paying no mind to the fact that he probably would rather I not touch him at all. He had brought this upon himself and thus he would have to live with the consequences.

I could feel the small amount of twitching in his muscles as I held his arm, my eyes surveying over the cuts again. He was trying so hard not to pull away from me.

"What are you doing?" He asked, brining my attention back to him.

"Well someone has to make sure you don't do something else stupid by getting these infected." I stated, moving to the first aid box and grabbing the disinfectant and some bandages. He would not like this at all, but I didn't really care.

My thoughts that reminded me that he'd brought this upon himself was the only thing that made me able to commence in the actions.

"Honestly, Near," I began, more to just speak and take my mind of reality than to really say anything to him, "I didn't even think you were capable of something like this."

He remained silent, but I wondered what he was mentally thinking about what I'd said. If he did speak up, what would be his response?

I pushed the thought from my mind in order to begin tending to the area. He felt like a doll underneath my touch. Suddenly I felt so ragged and him so smooth. I was rough and he was perfectly smooth. It seemed as though the smallest touch to him would break him.

I did not want that.

So I tried to work as gently as I could. I rubbed the disinfectant on the area and gripped at his wrist so he couldn't tug it away. I knew it hurt him… and for some reason I was sorry for that. There was this new part of me that didn't want to hurt him anymore.

It was like… he had already seen and gone through so much pain that nothing I did anymore would ever match up. And I did not want to attempt to match it either.

I gently wrapped the bandages around the affected area. The white of the cloth was even paler than him, and though part of me thought that it should go so perfectly with him… there was just something so sickeningly wrong about the bandages being on him.

"Why are you doing this?" He asked after I'd finished off his first arm and had begun on the second one.

At first I thought about glaring at him and telling him that I'd already answered that question. But… then I thought about it more. He wasn't asking me why I was doing this in the generic sense. He was asking me why I was trying to help him.

Now how did I answer him when I didn't even know myself?

"I don't know." I stated honestly, "Maybe because I realized that no one else would believe you if you told them the truth and I feel responsible now to make sure you don't go and do something else reckless and stupid."

Yes… that sounded believable enough, and as the words were spoken I began to believe that maybe that was the case. Maybe there was a part of me that just didn't want to hurt him, and that wanted to help him.

Now the question was… where the hell did that come from?

"That doesn't make any sense." He said, "It would be in your benefit to take advantage of this in order to surpass me."

Did he really think I was that low? Or that desperate? I glared up at him, voicing my wonder, "Do you think I'm that fucking low?" I asked in a harsh tone. That time, I hoped it had hurt him. Who the hell was he to think I was that kind of person? He always took pride in the fact that he could analyze and understand anyone around him… but obviously he had analyzed me wrong. I wasn't sure whether to be happy about that or not.

"I will beat you, Near," I continued, "But it's not going to be by cheating. Especially not with something so low as taking advantage of _this_; I have more honor than that."

I watched his eyes fall, "Sorry." He said quietly.

'_Fuck…'_ I thought, hating to see that defeated look on him. Near was always so emotionless, but it was as if just telling me this secret had allowed him to show the emotions he hid. This was strange… I wasn't expecting it at all.

"Don't." I said, the tone in my voice escaping me. I wasn't sure what it was, or what I was trying to convey to him anymore. "Look, like I said I'm the only one you can tell then I'm the only one that can do anything, right?"

He was silent, but I continued on anyway.

"So that means you're my responsibility now." The words were a bit hard for me to say. Just the thought of what I would have to do to fix him made me want to shudder. This was definitely going to be difficult for both of us.

"What does that mean?" He asked.

I looked up at him, staring into his dark orbs and trying to decide what it was that I was seeing in him now. "It means that it falls on me to make sure you get better from this, one way or another."

'_Yeah…'_ I thought to myself, _'Only I can do it now. If I don't help this kid… then who will? He has absolutely no one, and even if it is his own damn fault, I'm not such a horrible person that I could just ignore someone when they come asking for help. Even if it is my fucking rival…'_

"And your hatred for me? You don't like being around me for any longer than you have to." He said, watching me carefully. He was analyzing me again…trying to see what I would do now.

"I don't know. I mean, it's not like this is really a situation that can be competed between us." I said, partially to convince myself as well. If I was really going to do this then I would have to believe that I couldn't hate him now. I could be forceful… but I couldn't be hateful and what not.

"Thank you." He said softly and I could feel him continuing to watch me.

I continued wrapping the bandages till I was satisfied that it was enough, then secured it just as I'd done with the other arm. After that I released his arm and slid back from him; he would want space and I would give it to him.

We were both silent for what seemed like an eternity. Usually I hated silences such as these and did anything to keep it from happening, but I couldn't help but feel it was needed now.

I needed to think.

What was I going to do? I had already told him that I was going to fix him… but those were only words. What did I plan to do to keep my word? I wasn't sure… I had never been in this situation before, nor had I ever read anything on it.

I was walking blind into such a delicate situation.

"What are you thinking about now?" Came his sudden, quiet voice which drew me out of my confused thoughts.

I sighed heavily, "I'm trying to figure everything out."

I looked up at him and our eyes locked together. I hoped he saw every emotion that I was feeling. All of my confusion, all of my wonder, all my unknowing, and all the faith I wanted him to have on me. I was determined with this… I would fix him, if only to get my proper competitor back.

"You're really going to try and help me, Mello?

I scowled in his direction, wondering how he could even question it now. He shifted to move away from me… probably afraid that I'd hit him or something. I looked away, "I told you I would, didn't I? I'm not one to break my promises."

"You never promised me anything, Mello."

"Damn it Near, you're missing the point!"

I looked back at him just in time to watch him flinch away and his eyes close. He… looked just like any other kid when you threaten them. He looked like he was expecting me to hit him now. I couldn't get over just how odd, and yet how natural it looked.

I took in the site completely, memorizing the way it wracked his normally unemotional façade and knowing that this was the kind of thing I had always wanted to see on him. But… there was just a small part of me that never wanted to see this on him again.

I sighed, not able to stand it any longer and moved up closer to him as pure instinct took over. I was no longer thinking rationally as my hand reached up and gently ruffled at his soft, white locks and a small, sympathetic look passed across my face.

He looked broken, and I just wanted to protect him now.

His hair was unbelievably soft, and I hardly wanted to ever remove my hand. So I didn't, I continued to move the soft locks while my words fell from my lips.

"Sorry…" I told him almost silently, "You know this is going to be difficult, okay?"

"I know." He said with all emotion hidden again.

"You're not my favorite person, Near, that added to the fact that I have no idea what to do is going to complicate things." I explained, truthfully.

He nodded lightly and I couldn't help my eyes narrowing on him as my hand stopped moving on the top of his head. "Then why are you asking me to do this?"

"You don't have to do anything."

If this was any normal situation I would have gave a small growl and maybe hit him. I just didn't understand why he was contradicting himself! First he tells me… saying that I was the only one that he had, and then he says I don't have to do anything? That doesn't make any sense!

"Of course I do!" I stated, thinking afterword, _'I just… don't know _what_ to do yet.'_

A/N: Oh my God…. So I finally just had to cut this off. I knew that if I didn't this would end up being about 10 or 11 pages. And, while none of you would probably find anything wrong with that… I would just feel weird about it. I already feel weird about this one's length.

Please review!  
_-Forbiddensoul562_


	6. Those Walls

A/N: So this is the sixth chapter and thus far I think this has been going even better than I had planned it would! Which means I have no means of stopping now! However, school has been loading me down a lot as well as the fact that I'm just not feeling quite as creative as before. So… chapters may not come out quite as fast. But I'm going to try and remedy that as much as I can!

Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note or any of the characters that are used within this! I am in no way making any money off of these stories!

Chapter 6: Those Walls

Within the next moment Near pulled his head away from my touch, and while part of me completely understood why he would do that, there was another part that didn't like having that moment taken so quickly from me.

Nonetheless, I continued to let my eyes drift over him as I spoke, "Right, you probably don't want to be touched." I should've known… but before that I had hardly thought about it and even now I couldn't say I regretted it much.

He shook his head as a way of agreeing with me as his eyes moved away from me.

I watched him for another minute… trying to find _something_ that I could do to remedy this situation. I knew that this wasn't going to be an overnight fix by any means, and I was torn between two negatives of the situation.

One, this meant that I would be stuck around him more… which meant there was a higher risk of me doing something to him; which would not be good now.

Second, I had to jump right into this and yet I was still unsure of what I was going to do anyway. Perhaps if I had had time to think about it before he dropped that weight on me…

'_No, Mello,'_ I thought to myself as my eyes continued to watch him. _'This is the situation handed to you so you have to work with it. Come on, idiot, think of something you can do to help him! Look at him!'_ My eyes watched even more carefully now, taking in all details of his form. _'Look how broken he already seems! You can't afford to fail now, or you'll never get your proper competition back!'_

But that didn't help me think about what it was I was going to do _now._ _'Maybe… maybe if I try to get some inside look into this…'_

And with that, I acted, letting a plan come to me even as I stood and looked down to him, "Come on." I told him, offering a hand to help him up off the floor.

As he stood up on his own without even considering my offer, I scolded myself. How was it that I kept forgetting that he couldn't be touched like others so easily?

Without another word as to what I had in mind I led him back into his own room and I took a seat on his floor. I knew if I sat on the bed then our spots would be reversed, him taking the floor. And since this _was_ his room… I decided I didn't mind this as much.

But as the silence passed between us I felt myself growing even more nervous about my plan. There was a high possibility that it wouldn't work, that much was sure. But what did I have in mind if this plan didn't work? It wasn't like I could beat it out of him.

My eyes darted around his room, never able to let them rest anywhere for more than a few moments.

"So," I forced myself to begin as I took out a chocolate bar, unsure if this was the right way to go about it, but knowing the words would escape from me anyway, "Tell me what happened." I snapped off a piece after I spoke.

He was watching me, and I could feel it. In that moment I had to wonder…what did he read on my face. What was I unknowingly showing to him?

I finally felt his eyes divert away from me. "No." He said, surprisingly firm with his answer.

I let myself look back over at him, my eyes hard on him. Why was he being stubborn? He had knowingly brought this upon himself… so why was he suddenly becoming resistant?

Then the situation hit me once again. _'Oh,'_ I thought to myself, _'Right… he probably doesn't want to call up those memories again.'_ I sighed to myself, knowing that I needed to start remembering his situation quicker. I couldn't afford any mistakes.

"Fine." I stated, "Then don't. Are you going to do anything stupid like that again?" I asked, deciding to form some other kind of plan off of that response. After all, the response would tell me the severity of his situation as well as his state of mind.

"I don't know." He answered quietly, as if he had been broken down to the truth somehow. Maybe I'd somehow done it. I wasn't sure.

'_Well… I guess this means I'll just have to act like he will attempt it. Which means I'll have to be extremely careful with what he does, and watch him a lot more.'_ I thought to myself, formulating how exactly I would go about this even as I thought about it.

"That's good to know." I said, more to myself, under my breath.

We stayed quiet, but I could feel him watching me… those empty, endless grey eyes piercing into me. I had to get them off me for I didn't like the feeling. "Whatever." I said, looking away from him finally.

I could hear just how desperately I was to make this entire thing as natural as possible… I could hear how much I was trying to seem like nothing was the matter, or out of place. How much longer would I be able to fail at this and yet convince myself that it was doing something, I wondered.

'_No!_' I thought to myself, mentally shaking all of that away from me. _'I have to pay attention to it! I can't pretend like it's not there or else I will fail. But… what am I supposed to do to help this kid?'_

I inconspicuously looked over at him, trying to read his features and see what was missing. I was trying so hard to find some part of him, specifically, that was faulted so I could begin working on that, and grow from there.

That's when it hit me!

Near wasn't acting like himself! It seemed like it had been so long since I'd seen him put together his puzzles, or build an entire city around himself with his robots as the civilians.

'_Maybe if I can get him to start doing that kind of thing, then he will begin to fall back into the natural rhythm of how life is supposed to be!'_ I thought hopefully, feeling my spirits grow when the logical part of me confirmed that my theory certainly did make sense for a start.

With that, I stood up. I was so over-thrilled with the knowledge that I could get this under control that I hardly thought about it as I reached out to grab his hand and pull him along with me.

I suppose I was so convinced that this would help things get back to the way they had been, that even _I_ had begun to believe it.

But the moment that I realized I still needed to be wary, I stopped. I changed directions quickly, "Come on." I told him.

"Where?" He asked.

'_Why can't he just come when and where I tell him to? My God, he always has to ask so many questions!'_ I scolded myself, _'No. Calm down, Mello. Of course he's wary. Near's wary of everything now… especially you, since you've hurt him before._'

"Just come on." I said again.

It only took him another moment before he stood, and at this I led him from his room, feeling my heart racing in my chest at the fact that I would have this under control! I would succeed! This was my first step to prove that!

I led us downstairs, my destination, of course, was that common room. Besides his room, that was Near's favorite place to be, and that was where he should be in this first action!

However, right before we were about to enter into the said room, a sudden bell went off that signified to everyone that dinner was ready. I silently swore at it, glaring at the box, which delivered the awful sound, that hung on the wall.

How dare it disturb my perfect plans! Now I had to wait even longer to execute it!

I sighed in defeat and looked over at Near's blank form, wondering to myself what I was going to do next. Was I just going to go, and leave him like I normally did and trust him to go through the normal dinnertime actions? Or was I going to go the suspicious route and keep an eye on him, since this would surely draw some attention when people noticed my close proximity to him.

'_Well… He's been good about faking it around other before now… I'm sure one hour more won't kill him.'_ I thought.

With that, and not another word to Near, I walked away from him and into the kitchen. I quickly found Matt again, who was in the line to take a plate. The moment I appeared beside him, I felt a calm sense wash over me… as though the stresses of dealing with what Near was going through wasn't pushing down on me as much anymore.

"Hey you're back." Matt stated with one of his goofy smiles as he looked over at me.

I grabbed a plate and gave him a curt, "Yeah" as he exited from the line to the dining room. Now this was strange… I felt relieved a bit physically, but when I spoke all the stress seemed to appear once again.

"So what did Near want?" Matt asked as we sat down at the table.

I wish he hadn't brought that name up… already that little brat is beginning to become the only thing that I can think of! Whether it's one thing or another… all my thoughts trail back to him.

I couldn't even help it as my eyes shot around the table, and found him seated a bit down the table, but at a slight diagonal to me. At least I was assured now that I would still be able to keep an eye on him.

"Nothing much, just stupid stuff, of course." I said effortlessly, and not even giving a second thought to whether Matt would believe me or not.

Even if he was able to sense the stress in me, he wouldn't be able to come to the conclusion that it really had anything to do with Near.

"Oh?" He pressed, beginning to eat a few bites of his food before taking a break to play with one of his games. It never ceased to amaze me just how long Matt could continuously play his games.

"Yeah…. You know, just about some stupid test that he was trying to do." I tried to keep my focus down on my plate as I ate, but every few moments my eyes would find their way up to that little albino that, I knew, was harboring so much.

Matt said something to me, but I was too busy observing the way he pushed around the different items on his plate, but never really ate any of it.

My eyes narrowed on him and I wondered for a long minute whether he had been doing that since this had started… and, if so, how no one had ever really noticed before.

It was no wonder, anymore, why the kid was so damn small and pale! He didn't eat!

Near must have felt my eyes on him, for his actions suddenly stopped –fork pausing on the plate, and his eyes darting up to me.

We watched each other for a long moment, with hidden messages being exchanged though they weren't ones either of us could ever translate. I looked back over to Matt, feigning that I was watching him play his game, for a single moment before again turning my eyes to him.

'Eat it.' I mouthed, finally showing that I had seen what he had been doing.

His abysmal grey eyes continued to watch me for another minute, and I wondered if he would listen to me or not. In the best case scenario, Near wouldn't be so distant and rebellious against anything that happened now… but I'd known Near long enough to know that he _was_ distant, and would refrain from doing one thing or another if it meant he would be in control.

But finally, and surprisingly, his eyes moved back down to his plate, and he forked a bit of the dinner into his mouth.

I watched carefully, making sure that he swallowed it down, and waited for him to continue eating. Maybe the best thing for him was to make him physically better first… I just wasn't sure.

But suddenly, he picked up the plate and stood from the table. My eyes widened at the realization of what he was doing. He thought he was finished and was going to leave now.

And there was nothing I could do!

That bastard!

There were too many people around, I couldn't force him to continue, right here and now, when there were so many witnesses! It would be suspicious and people would begin to wonder what was going on!

For both the sake of Near and myself, I knew it was best to just bite my tongue.

He crossed over into the kitchen, to empty his plate no doubt, and then crossed back through the kitchen to get to the stairs.

I couldn't hold myself back any longer. "Where the hell do you think you're going?" I asked venomously, trying to show how annoyed and mad I was that he was taking advantage of this situation, like he'd done before.

He didn't even turn to me as he responded, "To bed." With that… he continued onwards, out of my sight and predictably, up the stairs.

I glared at the spot that Near had been at, then taking an angry bite from the food on my plate.

'_Damn you, Near!'_ I thought, _'You ask for my help and then you do something like this! How the hell am I supposed to do anything if you hold up your walls?'_

I sighed, "I think I'm going to study tonight." I told Matt suddenly, turning to the redhead gamer. "Near's getting too far ahead of me, so I'm going to study in the library tonight."

"Alright," Matt said without even looking up from his game. "If anyone comes by I'll vouch for you."

I nodded, looking down at my plate once again and trying to decide what was going to happen from here.

A/N: So, there's the sixth chapter, I hope it was long enough for some people! If not, then I'm pretty sure I'll be able to make the next chapter longer. We all know what happens next! I think everyone will be pretty surprised with how I do the next part.

Please review!  
_-Forbiddensoul562_


	7. Making Observations

A/N: I'm so sorry to everyone about just how long it took me to put up this chapter! I've been so distracted and what not that… it just kind of slipped my mind. Anyway… here's the next chapter and I tried to add a little bit of length onto it, so hopefully that shows. Consider this my Valentines gift from me to everyone reading this!

Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note or any of the characters used in this. The information used in this story are made from my own imagination and from what I've observed in other rape fics so… if this sounds like any other book… it was not my intention at all.

Chapter 7: Making Observations

I didn't like the thought of Near being alone in his room again… not when I had seen what he was capable of doing to himself.

But there was nothing more that I could do at the moment… to begin with, I had to wait until dinner ended so I didn't look suspicious to the others when I followed after him.

However… the moment that people finished, and we all left from the dining room… surprisingly, I couldn't find the ability to go up to where his room was.

I stopped at the bottom of the stairs… looking up and feeling as though they were growing larger and more intimidating by the second.

'_Why can't I just go?'_ I asked myself as my eyes hardened on the ascending stairs before me. _'The last thing I want is for something else to happen now. If that happened, it would be MY fault! I have to go… I need to at least check on him once._'

But still…my feet were plastered to the wooden floor and I couldn't tear them away no matter how hard I told myself that I needed to.

'_This is ridiculous!'_ I screamed to myself, finally tearing myself away from the spot, but moving down the far hall. _'I told Near I'd help, but I can't even go check on him! What the fuck am I supposed to do next?'_ I screamed to myself, running a hand through my blonde locks.

Suddenly… an idea popped into my head… a way that I figured would assist me in helping him!

I raced down the hall and stopped only when I reached the door I wanted; when I turned the gold handle I was glad to see that it was still open.

I entered in, finding almost no one there.

The library… the perfect place for me to develop a plan of action at… or, in the very least, the best place that could help me convince myself to go check on Near.

I walked through the aisles of books… remembering all the different nights I had spent here trying to _beat_ Near… and yet now here I was, present here in the attempt to try and help the kid.

Before… I would have never thought this kind of reasoning for being here to ever happen.

I sighed, letting the thought go, as I reached the 'R' section.

I sat down on the floor and began surveying all the dark spines of the books tightly packed on the shelves in alphabetical order.

I knew that there had to be _something_ here about rape… the library always had books on any topic of importance; especially if those topics could somehow be linked back to detective work.

Then, finally, after only a few moments of searching, I found it!

I pulled the book from the shelf, the title: _'_The Realities of Rape' written across the front.

With another exhale of breath, I carefully opened it to the table of contents, since I wasn't too sure what exactly I was looking for. I just needed to read.

Sure, I'd been taught about what rape was, and the effects of it on a person. But that was all vague, and we'd quickly moved on from there. No, that wasn't enough now… I needed to know more.

I flipped to a section called 'Self Mutilation' and began to read.

Near wasn't a masochist, and just the thought of what he'd done only drilled home the knowledge of how deeply this whole thing was cutting into him.

'_Rape victims will often turn to self mutilation as a way to cope with all that has happened to them, and sometimes it's even done as a way to punish themselves for allowing it to happen. At the same time, there are also some who will unconsciously inflict pain on themselves. For example, they will scratch at their skin continuously, because they feel it itches; then only stop either when someone stops them, or when they realize that they are bleeding.'_ The book said.

I exhaled, pulling out a bar of chocolate from my pocket and biting off the first piece.

I couldn't help by wonder what category Near fell into… surely he'd known he was doing it… but there were so many lacerations littering his arms, perhaps he hadn't felt it… or believed it to be enough pain until a later cut.

'_Does he blame himself?'_ I wondered, re-reading the part again. _'Does he think it's his fault that it happened?'_ I shook my head, _'No, surely not, Near's far too logical about everything, so surely he realizes that it _wasn't_ his fault.'_

I sighed as another realization hit me, _'No… what am I thinking? That kid probably tried to rationalize everything out… only to realize that it makes no sense… and he probably collapsed under that fact.'_

I turned the pages to the next section so I couldn't let myself continue to think about that… about how Near's mind might have worked and how he had come to be at the stage that he was.

The next section in the book was titled: 'Nightmares'; I began reading it simply out of pure wonder.

'_A common effect after a raping is the victim experiencing nightmares. These can range from anywhere from violent, emotionally painful ones, all the way back to re-living the raping in all of it's brutality, if not more. Some victims have been known to wake up screaming from them… or crying and shaking… sometimes the nightmares themselves can be traumatizing and slow down a recovery process.'_

I stopped myself from reading anymore of the page.

I didn't think Near would ever be the type to cry… even while sleeping it just didn't seem possible to me. So… I felt safe about letting that part of the text leave my mind, but I couldn't rule out the thought of him waking up screaming in the middle of the night.

I began to imagine it… that pale, young genius curled in the bed and flinching every few moments as horrible images pass before his closed eyes… then suddenly he shoots awake and is screaming as though his life depended on it.

I could imagine it all too well for my comfort.

That was all I needed… that image that the book's words forced me to imagine and thus burn into my sights. For one reason or another, I couldn't stand to imagine that small figure screaming and being so weak from his dreams alone.

And then I began to think about it at the current state.

Near was alone right now… up in his room, and probably attempting to sleep. But what if he was to wake up at any moment? What if he started screaming and he woke up to find himself alone in such a cold room as he certainly had? … What if he realized that he was all alone?

Before I could even think about it, or even catch myself, I slammed the book down and took off from the aisle.

I exited from the library and ran down the halls of Wammy's, willing my body to move so much faster than it already was. Every moment that I wasted just because I could not make myself be faster was another second that Near could be left alone to face his own demons.

'_I need to get to him!'_ I thought to myself, pushing myself up the stairs… two, and three steps at a time and even then feeling as though it was not quick enough.

How stupid had I been before, to imagine that I was incapable of walking these stairs simply because I thought my reasoning was stupid! How had I not realized before that Near was alone in that desolate, freezing room! How had I not seen that he could be plagued by so many painful thoughts… that would be brought forward the moment the night set in?

I bounded down the hall as if no other room, and no other person was even there. All I knew was that I was getting closer… and that this would pay off.

I reached Near's bedroom door within a matter of seconds, and pushed it open without a single knock. If anything bad was happening… I did not want to give him the time to clean up the evidence.

"Near!" I said in a huff, looking in upon his dark room.

The moment after I'd spoken his name so desperately, is when my eyes found him.

That kid, who was always dressed in so much white was curled up in his bed, under immaculate white sheets, but from my view I could hardly tell what emotion, if any, was laying on his still face.

I exhaled a ragged breath, stepping in a running a hand through my blonde hair before I closed his bedroom door and went over to his bed.

I kneeled down next to his bed, without giving the slightest thought to what I was really doing, and let my eyes rest upon him… now that I could see him so close, and without any walls, it was as if so much was being revealed to me.

His face was calm, and stoic, but also held a small sense of comfort on it… the only part of this was his closed eyes that twitched slightly under the closed lids while his brows furrowed together every few moments before relaxing seconds later.

A gentle hand raised and I carefully brushed the white hair out of his face in order to reveal more of that pale, perfectly flawless face of his. I had never seen him look like this before… and to me, I was perfectly content on just drinking in the image.

'_What are you dreaming about, Near?'_ I asked him mentally as I sat myself down completely and rested my head on my free arm on the mattress, all the while my other hand continued to pet his soft hair out of his face.

'_What the hell is going on with you, Near? During the day it's like you're so cut off from all of humanity… like you just want to disappear… but now, at night, it's like all your walls have crumbled and I get to see what exactly is behind those forces.'_ I thought to him, but never speaking a word of it.

So long as he was asleep… I was happy to leave him as such. He deserved the rest and relaxation; that much was for sure.

I withdrew my hand from his hair, letting it rest under my head in order to form a makeshift pillow.

'_I guess I'm sleeping in here tonight…'_ I thought to myself as my eyes closed. _'After all… just because I checked on him doesn't mean it's going to stop for the rest of the night. I have to be here in order to make sure… because if he wakes up alone after a nightmare...'_ I couldn't even finish the thought, I instantly had to change it around. _'I won't let him wake up alone with that pain.'_

I exhaled a heavy breath. This entire position wasn't too comfortable… but it was the most that I could really do, for I was not going to go get my own things from my room… no, that took too long.

I readjusted my head, _'It's better than nothing.'_

-

I hadn't even fallen asleep yet… my nerves were running to fast, even still from the nightmare scare, for relaxation to be fully achieved. So, instead I just continued to lay with my head comfortably on the bed and tried to think over what I was going to do to help the following day.

But all of a sudden I felt the bed suddenly move, and just as suddenly, "No!" Was shouted from Near's lips.

I wasn't sure why… but I was unable to move now. I couldn't bring myself to open my eyes and see what was wrong with him now. Was he crying? Did he have a look of pure fear on his face? Perhaps it was just because I didn't want to be asked so many questions by him; that I thought it would be best to just fake being asleep for right now.

I felt him shift around on the bed. I wasn't facing him, so perhaps he was trying to look at me… maybe to see if I was really asleep.

In that moment, I strained myself to make sure it appeared, outwardly, that I was asleep. In order to keep the reality, I shifted a bit, as though moving from the effects of a dream.

My hair moved, and a bit of it fell before my face. This annoyed me… I wanted to blow it out of the way, or reach up and move it… but people never did that in their sleep. So I had to remain still and let that annoying strand lie.

Near didn't say anything, and I didn't feel him move any more than he had before… I wondered what he was doing… and what he was thinking about. I could feel his eyes on me and I just wanted to scream for him to either say what he was thinking, or stop all at once.

But I didn't.

All of a sudden, I felt cool, gentle fingers touch the lock of hair that had fallen before my face and lift it up away. His fingers paused for just a minute with it on them before he began to twirl it in, what felt like, the same fashion that he always did to his own.

I wanted to open my eyes and ask him what he was doing… or why he was doing it. But his gentle fingers running across the strand felt too good. I never thought it would… but… it actually felt nice, and I almost thought that I would be able to fall asleep to the feeling.

Suddenly, Near's fingers faltered and the strand fell back to my face. I knew instantly that this was my chance.

I let myself shift a little bit before my eyes slid open; I looked at the strand hanging before my face for a moment before I found him.

"What the hell were you doing?" I asked, feigning a drowsy tone as I sat up from where I'd been resting and brushed the strand behind my ear once again.

"N-nothing." He stated in a shaky voice as his fingers found his own hair to twirl once again. I watched him falter, as if mentally scolding himself for letting that fault show. And I halfway regretted making it sound as though I was annoyed.

I reached across to the light that sat on his bedside table and flicked it on, illuminating the room in harsh shadows and making Near seem flooded in so much darker of a light. He didn't look the same as he always did at that moment, and there were not words to really describe why.

"Why are you awake?" I asked as I shook the thoughts from my mind.

"Why are you in my room?" He countered.

"I asked you first."

He watched me for another minute, as if trying to decide what he was going to do next. "I had a nightmare." He finally said, his eyes moving away from me.

I watched the way his dark eyes faltered as they searched for something to rest on. In this moment, he looked just like a kid, half his age, who had woken up from a nightmare and was searching for some form of comfort. I had to wonder if this was the first time he'd ever been in such a state.

He didn't seem to know how to act with it… which led me to think that it was.

"About what?" I genuinely asked, continuing to watch him and hoping, at the same time, that I got a better response out of him than I did earlier this evening.

But he didn't say anything, and his expression hardly changed at all. This left me having to make him answer as un-forcefully as I could. "Those meetings?" I asked.

His eyes turned back to me and he gave a small nod in response.

I exhaled a silent breath and let my head rest back down on the mattress, "You know that won't happen again, right?" I asked him so surely. I had plans now… I would make sure that L didn't get to Near.

It was already hard enough to see my rival reduced down to such a state as he seemed to be in… I never thought it was possible, and seeing all of this just hammered the fact to me.

There was no mistake now… I needed to protect him from this, and perhaps even from these nightmares and pained memories if I could.

"You're being overly optimistic. Everyone listens to L; it's easy for him to get what he wants at any time." Near went on, being so pessimistic. Or… maybe that was realistic… he certainly did have a point at the last part; there was no denying that.

I focused on him once again, "Not everyone. I may idolize him but all of that is just wrong. I'll make sure it doesn't happen again, Near." I stated… but part of me didn't believe my own words.

L had a lot of resources backing him… what was one successor to the original?

I dared not think about it at that moment.

"Mello…" His words trailed off at the end.

"Don't you have a question for me?" I asked in a desperate attempt to change the subject. I didn't want to think of the possibility of failing to L.

Near paused for a second before he responded, "Why are you in my room, Mello?"

"I'm making sure you don't do anything stupid again." I stated as I repositioned my arms under my head once again. _'That… and I'm making sure you know that you're not alone anymore.'_ I sighed, _'Why can't I put that to words?'_ I wondered to myself.

"You don't have to do that." He said quietly.

"Of course I do!" I said forcefully. I watched as he shifted away from me. I sighed and let my voice soften just a bit… I had to remember to treat this situation with enough sensitivity in order to get him to trust me, and yet with enough force to make sure he listened without driving him away.

"Rape victims have a lot of things that they go through afterwards. Insecurity, lack of hunger, and nightmares are big things in this. I saw you were already dealing with two of them so I figured you had nightmares too." I mentally cringed, knowing that contradicted what I said before… and knowing that, in a sense, I was lying to him.

But how could I tell him the reality of why I was doing this? How could I tell him that I wanted to keep him safe right now, and make sure that he knew that? I had a strong feeling that, if I told him those things, it would only drive him away even further.

"How would you know if I'm insecure?" He suddenly asked.

I looked down, thinking about for a long minute. I tried to think of how I could silently move in and bring this fact out without him realizing what I was doing.

That is… until I realized that he was already suspecting that I would do something like that. No doubt, he had walls thrown up walls against anything I could try to do.

That instantly throws off my ability to be clever, and work around this. No… I'd have to go straight in and attack him at any point that I believe could be his weakness.

It's the only way to tear down those walls, if even in the slightest

My eyes looked up and locked with his, "Near, you're not deserving of the number one rank anymore. You're a liar and a cheater that no one is ever going to want despite anything you attempt."

I hit hard… and yet left out a few places that I knew would be especially sensitive to him. It was not my intention to _really_ hurt him… but to show him that I was right in this situation.

Near's eyes moved away from mine and searched for something to rest upon. He was hurt by this, and his expression alone confirmed the fact that he _was_ insecure, to some degree.

I moved again, lifting myself up closer to him and catching his chin between my fingers to force him to look back at me. We were close now… and I knew that, but I didn't care so much, I wanted to see whatever lay beyond those orbs of endless grey. I wanted to know what he could show me.

"You believed me." I forced myself to say to break the silence.

Near tore his face back out of my grip, but he remained silent for another moment. Was it that he didn't have anything to say, for once, to counter my words? Had I verbally struck him too hard?

Since he was speaking, I stated the obvious for us both. "Since you believed me it's obvious that you're insecure now, at least to some degree." I moved back to how I had been before, as I spoke, resting against the mattress with my arms under my head.

"You should go back to your room, Mello." Near said in his quiet voice. "It's pointless for you to remain here. Besides, sleeping like that can't be too comfortable." He stated.

"You're not getting rid of me that easily, Near." I told him surely, "Go back to sleep." I reached over and flicked off the light once more, which flooded the room in veil of darkness.

I looked over at Near momentarily, seeing the way his dark eyes somehow glowed against the darkness and the way they seemed just a be just a bit softer than before. In fact… everything about him was softer. Even his skin, as hidden as it was, was luminescent in this lighting… or… lack thereof, really. He looked like a porcelain doll… about to break at any moment, or under even the slightest of touches.

Why had I never seen this part of him before?

Near finally moved back up to the top of the bed and slipped under the covers once again. I had to look away from him… I had to try and think about why it was that I had never seen the things about him that I did on this night.

How had I been so oblivious to it all?

He was so much smaller than I'd ever noticed. Perhaps it was that I had focused on the part of him that his mind showed to the rest of the world; that intellectual side that fought to ignore the whole world and everything in it that didn't matter.

When in reality… this entire this had stripped him down to the bare minimum of what he was. It showed his human side… that perhaps I had never really noticed before.

And… if this continued… if L got to Near… what more would be taken from the kid? His soul? His will? I shuddered at the thought.

"Near." He didn't respond to me, so I continued on as if he'd given me the permission to. "You do believe what I said, right?" I asked, "That one way or another I'll make sure you get better."

"Why?" He asked, and I could tell that he wasn't asking me why I was asking… he was asking why I was so determined, and why I was putting so much work into this already.

"Well," I struggled for an answer on the spot, "It'd be no fun beating you if you aren't even yourself. The only option I have is to make sure you heal from this and then beat you fairly afterwards."

Near's eyes were still on me, I could feel them even as I refused to meet them. I didn't want to look into that broken stare anymore tonight. "I understand." He finally said.

A few moments of silence passed between us until I finally forced myself to speak up again. It was time for me to start my next plan to help him.

"Near." I said again, hoping he wasn't already asleep.

"Yes?" He asked in the same tone.

"You know… if you want to twirl my hair, you can." I told him, looking down yet not really seeing anything at all. I was too far in the wonder of what he would do next.

After a few long, tense minutes where I thought about feeling like an idiot for even suggesting it… I suddenly felt his fingertips touch my hair, and again they took a lock of hair with the same exact dexterity. I had never felt that same careful, yet gentle feeling before.

It was weird, but I liked it at the same time.

He began to twirl it again, and I relaxed into the feeling… letting my eyes close once more. Sure… this position wasn't the most comfortable to rest in, but this was helping him… I was positive of it.

This filled me with a grand feeling of achievement, and made me smile in delight. I was doing something… I was helping… I was changing him and helping to morph him back into the Near he once was.

Somehow this thought, mixed with the nice feeling of my hair being played with, helped ease me into sleep.

A/N: Alright, so no one had better complain about this chapter being too short! Anyway… me and Shadowsasuke are formulating some ideas that are going to go into this story, but since they weren't thought about during the writing of Broken Pride, it's proving to be difficult to fit in. But I'm hoping it'll go off extremely well. I think everyone will like it! Anyway, next chapter soon! Happy Valentines day!

Please review!  
_-Forbiddensoul562_


	8. Next Morning

A/N: So, I'm so excited! Why? Because 2 chapters from now (er... what will be chapter 11) I'm going to be able to start writing new stuff for this! Like, last chapter we saw that bit in the library that was new. Well, next chapter is just going to be completely new. I doubt if it'll have anything from Broken Pride in it. How am I able to do this? Because in chapter 11 of Broken Pride, right in the beginning Near made there a time skip! Which leaves me room to act! Oh God, am I so glad I did that, you just don't even know.

Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note or the characters used within this story. However, I do believe I own this storyline so… no stealing!

Chapter 8: Next Morning

I woke up relatively early the next morning, and I wasn't surprised by this…sleeping in the way I was made it especially difficult to find a comfortable position.

But somehow I'd done it. The dim light now filtered in from Near's window that showed it was early in the morning. I looked out it and saw the overcast clouds that promised to drop some amount of snow upon the ground.

My eyes then darted back to Near, who was still sleeping.

I remembered watching him the previous night before I'd had to feign that I was asleep. I remembered all of the unreadable emotion that had painted his face and was exhibited for all to see.

He looked a bit like that now, but it wasn't as intensified as it had been during the previous night. I wasn't sure what it was about that moment that'd made him seem so much more broken and more innocent than ever before.

As I sat up with a small exhale of breath I let my hand travel to his hair once again, pushing it out of the way of his face in the same manor that I had done the previous night.

But then, I felt some need that told me to leave from his room. It was still early and all I wanted to do was find my bed and sleep in it a bit to get some _good_ sleep before I had to face the day again.

But I couldn't do that… and I didn't know why.

I forced myself up from the side of his bed, ignoring my aching body that protested my movements, and exited from his room.

The hallway was deathly silent, as was the rest of Wammy's. Being as it was still so early, there was no doubt that everyone was still sleeping and had no intention of waking up anytime soon.

I supposed this was my advantage.

I could do anything I wanted and wouldn't have to worry about annoying stares, or questions from everyone. I was free to just be, and just act, without any interruptions.

In that moment, I contemplated waking up early more often –if only for that one advantage.

I made my way down stairs and paused there… considering what I was going to do now. I could go into the common room and rest for a while, or go outside for a walk, or go back to the library for more studying.

However, none of that sounded as appealing to me now. Maybe if I didn't have a responsibility I would take one of those options up. But I wasn't irresponsible enough to ignore that –not by a long-shot.

My mind went back to Near, more against my will than anything, but I began to think about it.

After he'd woken up he'd probably shower, and then think of something to do. And I knew that that 'something' would not include breakfast. That brat would probably avoid eating for as long as possible if he could.

After all, he'd clearly displayed that to me the previous night.

I couldn't let him do that again. If he continued, then he'd become sick and what not. And I did _not_ want that to happen on my watch.

With that thought in mind, I went into the kitchen and looked around, finding the entire area completely deserted. This didn't surprise me though… of course none of the officials were up yet, it was still too early. Which meant that of course breakfast hadn't been made.

'_So what the hell am I going to do now?'_ I asked myself as I continued to look around at all of the wooden cabinets and the empty counter tops.

My eyes stopped on one cabinet door by the refrigerator. _'Fine…_' I thought to myself, going over to it and opening the door. Then, I took down a box from a small selection… it was just a simple brand of cereal.

In all actuality I wanted something more filling to give him for breakfast to make up for what he'd lost the previous night. However, I couldn't risk waking anybody up from either the smell of food being prepared, or any noise that it would create.

The cereal would just have to do.

I quickly retrieved a bowl and spoon from the other side of the kitchen then poured the cereal in, adding milk from the fridge. Immediately following I replaced each item back where they had been when I'd found them.

It was against the rules to cook, or prepare food, without supervision or without approval first. And it was even _more_ against the rules to want to bring it to ones room.

But I didn't care about Roger and his fucking rules at that moment. I would do what I wanted, and right now I wanted to take this cereal upstairs.

So I silently did just that, cautiously making my way back up the stairs and down the open, empty hall where I could feel my heart racing as I feared getting caught at this moment.

Thankfully, though, I made it back to Near's room without hearing any more sounds than that of my walking and the small noise of the spoon in the bowl sliding against the material of the bowl.

I stepped inside, with the thought that perhaps Near would still be asleep and I'd have a bit more time to myself.

However, that was not the case as I instantly noticed him sitting up in his bed, with his dark eyes filled with wonder, as well as waning fatigue. This instantly told me that he had just woken.

"You're up early." I said, meeting his gaze as I carefully closed the door once more.

"I'm always up early. You are too." He commented back easily, though in a quiet voice.

"Not exactly the easiest place to sleep." I said with such a small shrug that I doubted he even noticed it.

"You didn't have to do that." He said in the same quiet tone.

I watched him carefully and let my thoughts take over before I let myself say the first thing that came to my mind. What did he mean I didn't have to do that? Of course I did.

Did he really second guess what I was doing and how seriously I was taking it? Sure… if I was in his position I would probably be questioning the same thing he was right now. It just… didn't seem right in a way.

But I had to forget that and couldn't let it psyche me into turning back the way I'd been before he'd told me this. For now… this was how it was supposed to be, and those were the things I was supposed to be.

Near had his puzzles to put together, but this one was one that he couldn't figure out. I knew I had to be the one to help him pick up all the pieces and softly, correctly fit them all back into place.

"Whatever." I finally said with a shrug as I continued on through his room till I was able to sit down on the bed beside him.

"What is that?" He questioned, looking warily between me and the bowl of cereal that was held carefully in my hands.

I watched the way he tensed and relaxed continuously before I spoke. I figured that meant he was fighting back any urge he had to get away from me. It was strange to think that he would honestly believe me capable of doing something as horrible as what L had done… or even anything close to that.

Or maybe it was just that he still feared me… or… he had always feared me, but it was just coming out more now than it had before.

I pushed the thought away as I simply told him, "Breakfast."

"They don't make breakfast this early." He stated, with his eyes looking between me and the both with more question.

'_Ugh, I don't understand,'_ I thought to myself, _'Why can't he just be gracious and take it? Why does he have to ask so many damn questions?'_

"No," I finally replied, "But I do."

"You made it?" He asked after a long moment of silence where I figured he had contemplated over those words.

"It's just cereal, not exactly rocket science… It's for you." I said after a small pause and then looked back up, this time directly at him.

He gave me a confused look, one of those ones where his grey orbs flick back and forth in the way he does only when he's trying to read into something, or… in this case, read into me. It was at that moment that I wondered what exactly I was showing him.

"No, thank you." He finally answered.

My eyes instantly hardened on him. He wasn't about to get away with hardly eating for the second time in a row. "Look, Near, we can either do this the easy way or the hard way. Just eat the damn cereal." I then forced the bowl of cereal into his hands.

"I'm not hungry." He tried to say.

"Too bad," I retorted easily, "I made it so that now you'll have to at least eat something. Besides, if I force you now then it won't be as suspicious as it would be anywhere else."

He carefully handed it back to me, "I don't want it, Mello."

I looked down to the cereal for a long moment, trying to figure out how exactly I could get this damn kid to eat this breakfast! I knew I should have expected this kind of fight from him… it only seemed natural.

I really didn't want to force him… and even if I was going to I wasn't sure I would know how.

In that moment I regretted making cereal for the boy… I wished I'd made something like toast or something so it would be easier to force, if it came down to it.

But then, suddenly, it hit me –an idea that I could use in order to get him to eat. It was a long shot, and I doubted it would even work… but I had to try something.

I looked back at him, our eyes instantly locking, "Why not?" I asked as my hand inconspicuously took the spoon in the bowl. I had to be quiet and secretive with this… if he figured out what I was doing he would surely refuse to fall into my trap.

He sighed, and in that moment I knew that I'd won this one. "I already told you tha-." In the moment that I knew his mouth was open I moved before I could even begin to second guess myself.

The hand that had a good grasp on the utensil, spooned a bit into his mouth. It didn't take him but a second to instantly freak out from it, and shoot away from me –the way I had known he would do. Through all the shock on his face, I could just barely pick out a small amount of question.

"I told you, either the easy way or the hard way." I stated, answering his silent question and knowing the entire time that the pride at my victory was showing through in a smirk.

"Now," I continued, "You can either eat it yourself, or I'll make you eat it. Take your pick." Sure… Near was in a very tumultuous state right now… and I understood that, but I had to try and tell myself that my actions had been justified and he would just have to deal.

I was right this time, and he was wrong.

After another long moment of silence, and unreadable emotions laying thick on Near, he finally moved closer to me once again –but just hardly, for I was sure he still wanted his space.

He took the bowl from me and began moving the spoon around within it. He didn't want it, and I could tell. But that didn't mean that I cared. He _would_ eat it, or I would force it on him in the same manor that I had done before.

After another moment, he finally took a bite from it, and even then his thoughts on it were unreadable to me. I had to wonder what in the hell was going on in his mind at this moment. What could be going through his mind? And, while I was thinking about it, I had to wonder, why did he have such a reluctance to eat anyway?

I finally decided to consult that book later on today. Or maybe I would steal it from the library and read it whenever I wasn't around Near.

"There, not that big of a deal." I finally said, forcing the words out in order to connect back to reality instead of remaining in my thoughts of what I was going to do.

"If you say so." He said, speaking quietly, as if trying to just tell me what I wanted to hear instead of what was really on his mind. How odd… that wasn't like him at all.

A/N: Alright, I understand… that wasn't as good as the last chapter, and wasn't as long. But I really just wanted to put something up instead of making everyone wait even longer. School is putting a lot of pressure on me which means I have limited amount of time to write and post things on here. But, nevertheless I'm trying as hard as I can. Next chapter out soon!

Please review!  
_-Forbiddensoul562_


	9. Snow Angel

A/N: So… I was very displeased with the last chapter… even I know it really sucked… but I really just needed to post something. And even this chapter is just so I can get it out, and not so much because I want to do it. The next chapter will be like chapter 7, no doubt, where I have so much fun writing it. Anyway, thanks to everyone who's been reviewing so far! I love you all!

Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note or any of the characters.

Chapter 10: Snow Angel

Perhaps I'm a hypocrite… or maybe I just don't know anymore… or didn't know to begin with… or… maybe this whole thing has begun to turn everything I _thought_ I knew backwards.

I thought I hated winter… and days when slow and silent snow fell from the heavens. I thought I hated it so much because it reminded me of _him_… the one who resembled the snow in so many ways.

But as I stood out in the front of Wammy's and looked up to where the snow was falling from… all I felt was a strange calm come over me. It wasn't the same as if I went to that one _place_, but it was still something.

My eyes then unconsciously drifted over to the building and searched it for Near's bedroom window. I knew I wouldn't be able to find it, since his room didn't face this way, but that didn't stop me from trying anyway.

I wondered what he was doing now. What he was thinking. What he had done after I'd left a while after bringing that cereal to him.

I didn't like leaving him alone up there…for some reason it sent me on end and I couldn't shake the constant wonder of what he was doing. I suppose I was still afraid of what he could _possibly_ do when he wasn't under watchful eyes.

Part of me hoped he, in the very least, stayed in his room for the day. The officials were on a cleaning spree of the inside of Wammy's, and thus had sent everyone outside to play. But Near was so quiet that I bet they'd completely overlooked him.

Part of me was glad… for I knew how he disliked being outside in the first place. However, there was still the side of me that said he _should_ be forced out here with the rest of us. And while he would not find the same enjoyment out of it as everyone else, it would still set us equal, in a sense.

All of a sudden something collided with the side of my head, and while it startled me, it wasn't hard enough to hurt.

I looked over to my shoulder and saw snow sitting there. A snowball?

"Hey Mels!" Called Matt, "Get over here and help me build this snowman!" I looked over to my gamer friend and noticed the bottom of the snowman that he had already begun to build.

With a smile I ran over to where he was and began inspecting it, "Damn, Matt, you haven't even built the body yet!" I commented.

"I just started it." He said, kneeling down to roll another ball for the midsection of the snowman. "It's going to be the best snowman ever."

With a small shake of my head I kneeled down and rolled a smaller ball of snow up in order to create its head. "Oh really?"

"Yeah." He lifted his ball of snow up and placed it on the larger first one, and I placed my even smaller on top of his. Now it was beginning to look more like a snowman instead of just some retarded ball of snow that Matt was, for some reason, already proud of.

"So…" Matt began as his gloved fingers began smoothing out the snow. "You've been spacing a lot these last few days. What's up?" He looked over at me from behind his goggles.

I didn't meet his eyes as I smoothed out the snow on my side. I suppose I had been outwardly spacing a bit… and it was all Near's fault. The kid probably knew it too. But what was I supposed to tell Matt now?

I decided, finally, to just go off of what I'd told him yesterday at dinner. "I told you before, Near's getting too far ahead of me… I need to try and find a way to beat him."

"Yeah… but haven't you been trying to do that for years? What's the difference now?"

"I'm more determined now." It surprised me how easy it was for me to lie to Matt. I made a note to myself to not let it become a habit. Though… with this thing with Near going on… it might just happen.

The thought sickened me.

"Whatever." Matt simply replied, but I could feel his eyes still on me, so I knew he wasn't done yet. "So does that mean you're going to be studying in the library more nights?"

"Yeah… probably." Was my simple reply. I felt bad about not being able to tell Matt what was really going on. He was my best friend, if I knew something shouldn't he be able to know too?

However, painfully, the answer was a solid 'no'. Sure, I could tell him anything _but_ this. This was Near's business… hardly mine, and in no way Matt's. And, really, the only reason it was partly mine was because I was helping the kid.

That was it. I had to leave it at that. I refused to crack and tell Matt, despite how much I wanted to, and to get his opinion on the matter. I just couldn't do it.

"Alright! We need to dress him up now!" Matt said happily, once again. It never ceased to surprise me just how fast he could go from completely serious to happy and joking again.

"Dress him up?" I asked, looking over to him as a smile passed across my face, "Jeez, Matt, when did you become such a little girl?" I teased, but continued before he could retort. "We don't 'dress up' snowmen, Matt, we make them look badass!"

He glared at me, "You know that's what I meant."

"Sure, sure." I said, "Alright… here's what we should do. Give me your vest." My hand shot out towards him as I waited for it.

"What, why?" He hugged it closer to him, as if afraid of what I would do to it once it was in my hands. Though… I didn't blame him; I'd been known to destroy his stuff from time to time.

"Just give me it, Matt!"

He sighed in defeat and took off his jacket so he could take the vet off from where it was underneath the jacket. Once he gave it to me, I positioned it around the snowman, sticking two sticks into its side to help keep the vest up, and give it arms at the same time.

"Now you give it something." The redhead suggested.

I scowled at the snowman as I thought over what exactly I could give it to wear for a while. It sure as hell wasn't getting _my_ jacket, or any article of clothing, for that matter.

Finally, I looked down and got an idea. I slipped the rosary I always wore off from around my neck and placed it around its head. I couldn't help but feel slightly empty without it there, and wrong for giving it away, but I was positive God would forgive me.

I looked over to Matt. "Your turn."

Matt crossed his arms over his chest as he went into thought about it. Then, after a long moment he dug into his pocket and pulled out a small box, which I knew simply from living with him for so long contained his cigarettes.

I didn't even try to dissuade him from using them anymore. Every kid in Wammy's had their own thing that helped them in one way or another. For me, it was chocolate, for Near it was his toys, and for Mat it was smoking.

I'd tried telling him that it wasn't good for his health, and that he was going to get lung cancer someday. But he only came back at me by saying I was going to get fat and get diabetes from eating so much chocolate. That's when I stopped my arguments against him.

He took one of the short white sticks out before replacing the box; then put it in the mouth of the snowman.

Without him even having to say anything I knew it was my turn. But what more was I going to give to the snowman? It wasn't like I was about to give up my chocolate as easily as Matt had given up his cigarettes.

I finally decided to take the easy way out, and grabbed some sticks and stones and constructed a glaring face on the snowman.

Matt laughed, "Our badass snowman is complete! Now he needs a name." He said, stepping back and looking at it as though he really had gone into thought over it.

I gave him a skeptical look, "Damn, Matt, when did you become such a little bitch?" I asked. "Our snowman needs no name, he speaks for himself!" I declared.

"Aw, Mels you take all the fun out of it."

"Hey, I helped you make the thing, didn't I?" I easily retorted.

"Yeah…" He paused for a moment before I saw a shiver go through him. "Alright, it's getting to cold for me. I'm going to sneak back inside. You want to come?" He looked back at me.

"Nah, I don't feel like dealing with Roger's anger when you get caught."

Matt simply shrugged and began making his way back to the main building.

I watched him go for a long moment before looking back at our snowman. It was a nice creation between the two of us and easily showed us equally. However… I knew I had to break it. I needed my security back.

I took the rosary off of the snowman and placed it back around my neck once more. I felt better with it there.

I then turned and walked away from the snowman that now resembled Matt more than both of us. My fingers played with the cross at the end of my rosary as I walked with no destination in mind.

My thoughts were somewhere else, but I was unable to follow. I wasn't sure where they were placed anymore. Before now I could always count on them being able to trail back to Near… for one reason or another that I couldn't understand.

But now it seemed like my thoughts were on him once more, but I wasn't able to comprehend exactly what I was thinking about him. Near was a mystery… that much was positive.

But there was something else. My hatred for him had been dulled down so much that I wondered if it even still existed. But in place of that was pity, and sympathy. I wasn't even sure if that was what he wanted.

But what _did_ he want? Why did he come to me over Roger, or any official, who could obviously do more for him than I ever could? I couldn't fight that question that continued to plague my mind.

I began trying to look at myself in an attempt to see what it was about myself that he must see… it must be something that I didn't notice.

He'd said before that I was the only one I had… and that I was the only one who did not use him for some kind of selfish desire.

But I had used him. I'd used him as a point to know what I had to beat. But maybe he just didn't notice that, as he was already above me.

So… what else could it be?

The officials would have been a better choice for him to go to instead. At least then they could confront L, and perhaps put a stop to it. I could do nothing like that. However… when I thought about it, I realized that L would easily be able to get out of that. No one would believe Near.

Hell, even I hadn't wanted to believe it at first. The mere thought of someone who thought themselves to be _justice_ doing that… it just didn't seem to fit.

So Near must have known that no one would believe him… and that it wouldn't change anything to go to them. So the next choice would have been the orphans within Wammy's. After all, it was obvious by the cuts on his arm that he couldn't deal with something like that by himself.

What did he see in me that picked me out from everyone else… What qualities did I have that were good for this situation?

I was outspoken… but that wouldn't be one. I was strong. I was the only one closest to him on a mental level.

Wait… I backed my thoughts up to my qualities once more, and suddenly stopped as the thoughts raced in my mind… and in that moment things began to make more sense to me.

'_I'm strong… I can deal with situations that Near can't. It's like I'm his…'_ My eyes instantly turned back to where the majority of the kids were playing, and I began to search the area, hoping he was there so I wouldn't have to sneak back outside.

Within the next moment my eyes caught sight of him, sitting alone on a bench with eyes that seemed far away from his spot.

I instantly made my way over to where he was. I needed to confront him. Though, for reasons I wasn't too sure of. I was acting purely out of need… Not so much reason.

His eyes moved to me as I came closer to him, but I was the first one to speak as I reached the bench and brushed the snow off of it then sat down. "Didn't expect to see you out here."

"Didn't expect you to come over." He retorted easily, his eyes focused on me, as if searching me for a reason for why I was there in the first place.

"Matt decided to sneak his way back inside to play one of his games and I told him I'm being forced to hang around you more." Why the hell did I lie so much? Damn… Well… it didn't matter so much, since it _did_ give reason to why I was here. That should be enough for him.

I watched the way his eyes drifted away from me, as if silently accepting my answer, and looked back out to where all of the others were. His dark eyes were so deep I felt that if he looked at me with them I would get lost within them for eternity. He hid so much… and yet there was so much laying there. It irritated me to know end to know that I couldn't read into what he was thinking based on his outward expressions.

"What are you thinking about?" I asked quietly as I looked away from him, and even I could hear the genuine interest in my tone. I needed to know now. No… even more so, I _wanted_ to know what was going on in that head of his.

He was quiet for a long minute before he continued, but not entirely in the way I had expected him to. "Mello, I have an honest question." He asked, still without looking at me.

My eyes drifted back to him and I pulled out a chocolate bar I had swiped from my room before coming out here. I snapped off a piece but said nothing in response –I figured he'd just continue on anyway.

"Have you ever thought that we are just tools?" He asked.

I stopped in place suddenly, instantly confused by what he was saying. _'What is he talking about? We're tools? Who?'_ I asked myself, then asked, "Who's 'we'?"

"You, myself, or anyone at Wammy's, really." He explained.

I let my eyes drift away from him once again as I went into thought about it. Why was he asking such a thing? Or… what was he getting at? Did he think that _he_ was being used as a tool, but using everyone as a way to take the focus off of himself?

But even if he was… why did he think he was that? It didn't seem to click in my mind. "Why?" I finally asked him, in such a tone that it demanded an explanation.

"I've been thinking about it over the past couple of weeks and I have found that I've been nothing more than a tool to the majority of people I know." He explained.

I said nothing… just waited.

"Roger and the other officials use us s they can have copies of L to replace him once he dies, and once one of us does people shall use us to do what they cannot. And as for L… he…" He stopped, and I wanted to tell him not to go on… that I didn't think either of us could handle him saying it now.

"So?" I asked, trying to get him to continue in order to elaborate on what he was trying to get at.

"So…" He continued, and I could hear him picking his words very carefully. "I began to wonder, knowing that, if it was even worth it. Though perhaps I'm not thinking as logically about as I normally would, but still…" His voice trailed off at the end.

"Still what, Near?" I pressed forcefully, "What the fuck are you trying to say?" I asked. _'Just tell me, Near._' I thought, _'Tell me so I can know if my worry is rightfully placed and begin to fix it.'_

"I've begun to wonder," He said after a moment of paused, "What it would take to show that to people." His eyes trailed back to me, but I was frozen… with nothing left to say.

He was searching me with those dark, endless eyes… and I could do nothing more than show him exactly what his words, and the realization had done to me. It just didn't seem to make sense to me. How could he… Why would he… How could he still even consider such a thing?

I mean… I understood that the pain and what not would still bring about that effect in him… but… he'd told me it, and shown me the effects for a reason. Why didn't he trust me enough to stop and let me take control?

Finally, I turned away from him and took another bite out of my chocolate bar. "Everybody does that, Near, that's just how humans are. We use the people around us in order to get the things we want. That kind of stuff isn't just focused on us." I tried to tell him in an even voice.

I wanted him to understand that, and how humans acted -since it was obvious that he had been drawn out of his reclusive shell enough to notice the cruelty of humans now.

"I see." He finally said as his own eyes drifted away again as well. I knew he was probably going into thought about what I'd just said. That was good. I wanted him to think about it.

What was I to do now? What should I say? How was I supposed to act to his comment that was obviously a way to cease all communication between us? I didn't want to just leave it at what it was. What if he took it the wrong way?

No! That was it… I had to do something. He had to trust me. I had to make him… even though that sounded like the wrong way to go about it. But what else was I supposed to do? I couldn't necessarily _wait_ for it. If I did… who knew what else he could talk himself into.

I looked over to him and observed the way he looked now… sitting, for once, normally on the bench. His leg wasn't drawn up to him like it normally was. He just sat there in his white outfit (no coat, I noticed) and seemed to give off this impression like he _wanted_ to blend so much into this snow that he would be forgotten.

His skin was so pale I could have swore it matched his clothes, or the snow. His eyes starred deeply out to where all of the other kids were, and my eyes drifted down to where his fingers seemed to unconsciously fiddle with the end of his shirt sleeve. It was then that I noticed the small shake of his figure.

He looked like an angel out here like this. I had to do something for him.

Without even thinking I reached out to him and pulled us closer together and my arms wrapped instinctively around him. I wasn't sure what I was doing anymore… I just knew it needed to be done.

He instantly began pushing against me, trying to get away, but I wouldn't let him. No… he had to hear me out first. "Mello, let me go!" He said through his attempts, but I easily kept my grip over him.

"Just listen to me." I said quietly, my eyes slipping closed.

I felt the way he stopped almost immediately. "There are other around." He said

"Fuck them for right now."

He was silent after that. I took this opportunity to tell him what I wanted to, while I still had him here.

"Look," I said, "I still don't understand why the hell you would ask me, who hates you, to do this out of anyone else on the planet. I'm fluent in three languages and I still can't seem to find the words needed to help you. But I swear, Near, if you do anything even close to leaving, in any sense of the word, I'll find a way to destroy you. Just bear with me for a while, I will help you… I will fix you."

I didn't want to move from here… I just wanted to continue to hold him this close to me… for it felt like the only way to protect him from both himself, and the outside world that seemed so desperate to destroy him.

But I knew I had to. There were probably a few people starring, and as much as I really didn't like to care what others thought… I did not want any rumors traveling around.

So I finally pulled back away from him, my eyes looking him up and down and noticing the way he was shivering.

A halfhearted chuckle found its way past my lips. "Those officials are idiots. They should know you're not fitted for any kind of outdoor; especially not winter weather. You look frozen."

I took the black jacket I'd been wearing it and draped it over him carefully, and made sure it was secure on him before I let go. I stood up afterwards but I looked back at him –pure white with a veil of protective black over him.

That's what it was. As if my silent, metaphoric way of saying I was going to protect him. It was the best I could do since words failed me.

"Don't tell anyone about this, or why, got it?" I said, with my usual intimidating tone in place once again. I wasn't sure why, though… maybe it was just so I didn't continue to fall too far into the way I had been just a few moments ago.

"If I told them why, or what you were saying I'd have to admit everything of what I've already told you."

I scowled at him. "Don't be a smartass." I said, then turned and began back towards the building –with every intention of getting in and residing in my room for a while, in order to think over exactly what had happened.

I had no doubt anymore… It was just as I had thought previously… I was stronger than Near in one way or another and could deal with some situations better than him.

'_I'm his defense.'_

A/N: Wow… that ended up being a really long chapter. But, nonetheless, I really liked it. Especially the last part. I was reading chapter 10 of Broken Pride and I realized how metaphorical putting his jacket over Near was. So I had to add that in. But, overall, I think it was a pretty good chapter. Next chapter is more new stuff!

Please review!  
_-Forbiddensoul562_


	10. Changing Night

A/N: I'm not really in the best of moods right now… and I'm not too sure why… or even how to fix it. Something's wrong and I really don't know what it is… or how to fix it. I'm just hoping that maybe writing this chapter… which everyone knows I've wanted to, will help fix it. I guess we'll see.

Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note or any of the characters that are in it, or in this story.

Chapter 10: Changing Night

It wasn't long before I lost track of how many days had gone by. How many days _had_ it been since Near told me that dark secret and seemed to change the way I viewed him?

I wasn't too sure anymore.

But it wasn't as though it even mattered too much. Each day that passed, and each one that began was, in my eyes, another opportunity for me to help him, and help fix him. I saw it all as just another day to find another scattered piece of him and fit it back into place.

But it was difficult with Near… he hid everything extremely well, which made finding any pieces to him even harder than the task was already proving to be.

I knew Near wanted my help… there were a few times where the smallest glimpse of emotion would pass before his face. And even though it was nearly impossible to really read into what he was showing me, it was almost like his silent way of trying to show me that he was really trying.

It was slow progress… and there were even days when I wondered if anything had changed since that first few days.

But I couldn't grow frustrated with it… I needed to have patience. So… I continued to set things straight and keep a smooth routine. Something simple, so he could get a good grasp of how things used to be before he was shattered into a million pieces.

Every day I tried to find new things for him to do… things that I knew he liked to do. One day we'd stay in his room and he would play with his robots… usually creating whole cities around himself, built entirely of blocks. The next, we'd go to the library and he'd read any book that caught his interest –most times they were psychology and sociology books.

I wasn't sure if that was a good idea… for I knew what he'd connect everything he read back to… but at the same time it wasn't as though I could tell him no either.

So I let him read it without protest.

As for myself, on those days, I would try to distract myself with any kind of reference book I could find… and try to find _some_ form of interest in the material printed there.

But that was never what I wanted to read. I always wanted to read that one book I'd found on rape victims. It became like the equivalent of a bible to me.

There were many nights were I would stay up at night and read all that I could of that book. It was like pulling the veil away from my eyes to let me see the reality of Near's situation. It explained to me why he did the things he did, such as being more defensive than he always was, and things that I should expect, such as nightmares and any kinds of uncharacteristic behaviors I might notice.

I continued to stay in Near's room at night. He never really suffered many nightmares –not like the one that woke him that one night, anyway, though I was sure he was having some form of nightmares. However, I still stayed there every night… just in case. If anything happened, I wanted to be there to help.

It was night already and things were practically silent around Wammy's. I made my way up the stairs to the hall were all the rooms were. It was probably around eleven or twelve, but I didn't feel the effects of fatigue anymore. My body somehow got used to all the late nights and early mornings.

Under my arm was my bible-like book. I had every intention of reading it for a while, since I didn't think I'd be able to the next day. The only time I ever let myself read it was when it was night, and when Near was asleep. I wasn't sure why… maybe it was the paranoia of others finding out.

Near's room was dark and cold, just like it always was. I could have sworn that the white walls that built this room was what added to the cold temperature. Sure, every room's walls are white. But Near's were the only ones that lacked some form of life. There were no posters, or drawings attached to them at all. It was just… plain.

But I'd soon got over this. That was just how Near was. Maybe someday I'll try to find out why. Why would he keep everything so blank? Sure, maybe so no one else would see… but wouldn't _he_ like to see more than just the constant white?

I sighed and pushed the thought away.

Near was sleeping as soundly as he always did on his bed –curled up into a ball beneath his white sheets that seemed way too thin for the winter weather temperature. I wondered for a moment if he was cold… if I should put something over him. But he wasn't shivering, so I didn't act on the thought.

I sat down on the floor with my back resting against the frame of the bed as my fingers flicked on the light on the side table next to Near's bed. I guessed he was a hard sleeper… for the light never once seemed to bother him in the least.

With a sigh, I let the book fall open to a random section… it was something about the victim needing a support. I knew that in this case, that was me… and me alone.

I began reading the page, and taking in all of the information the book was giving me. My mind seemed to be filled with knowledge and statistics now about this, and as I read I couldn't help but allow them to play before me depending on what was needed.

'_Of course, it is important for a rape victim to have support person with them. This person should be there to help the victim in any situation –no matter how minor it is. This person will be able to make the victim stable, and feel stronger. This is because, at any kind of cold response given by someone to the victim, it will throw them off, and the support person will be there to help prevent such occurrences, as well as keep the victim on balance.'_

I thought this over, even though my mind told me I already knew all of this. _'I have to keep Near on balance. But how am I supposed to do that if I have no idea when he is off? Hm… Maybe he'll show it someway. It certainly makes sense.' _I thought to myself as my eyes diverted away from the book.

I supposed this situation was different from others, though. It was not like others where the victim tells others and includes others from their life. No… Near didn't want to tell _anyone._ He wanted to have it dealt with, and then make it go away.

Thus, this would cause no one to have the sympathy for him that they might if he were to tell them. The people here, at Wammy's, would continue to be cold, and ignore him.

Somehow… my thought said he might not like that… that he might not favor the idea of being forgotten when he was trying so hard to heal. But that was the persona he had built for himself –one that told others he just wanted to be alone.

I would have to be the support person that healed him, and assured that it was fine to be helped while others ignored it.

I could just see no other way around it that would not involve telling others, and involving them in his business.

My eyes found the text once more, and I continued reading.

'_The support person, if the victim gets one, does not have to be an expert on rape, or on how to help fix it. They are simply there to help the victim and to help stabilize their life once more.'_

This made me upset. I was the support system here, and though this book said I did not have to be an expert… that did not mean I did not want to _be_ one.

I wanted to have all the answers, if Near didn't. I wanted to know everything I was supposed to do and not have to second guess myself. And most of all, I did not want to make any mistakes with this.

There was a sudden whimper from the boy behind me, but I hardly gave it any notice as my fingers began flipping through the pages of the book –searching for a new section to read.

But in the next moment, there was another whimper from Near –and this time it sounded so much more desperate. Leaving the book where it was in my hands, I turned as best I could to observe Near.

He was shaking now… his whole body shook as though horribly raked with fear. His brow was lined with sweat that made his hair stick to his forehead. His dark eyes twitched and I could see evident pain on his facial features. I watched the way he unconsciously tried to curl himself further into a ball –as though trying to disappear from wherever he was.

He was having another nightmare… that much I was sure of.

I closed the book instantly, and without even bothering to save the page –now was my chance to help him, and I would be damned if I let the opportunity slip from me.

As Near's whimpers of pain and fear began to grow more pronounced and louder as well, I turned fully to him and let my fingers rake back his hair to expose more of his face.

"Near." I said, my blue eyes watching only him. I needed to wake him up, or at least get it to stop. If I didn't, who knew who would hear him and come to the room with their prying questions. Also, I didn't want him to have to relive any of those things with L. And by waking him up, that seemed to be a logical way to make it work.

"Near." I tried again, hoping somehow he'd hear my voice through the clouds of sleep and the nightmare that was ravaging him mercilessly.

But he didn't seem to even know I was there. He continued in the same way but the pain seemed to increase through him.

"Ah!" A broken cry escaped his now parted lips. I was frozen with my eyes glued on him and my fingers brushing through his hair. How did I make this stop? How did I help him? Nothing seemed to wield any answers to me.

His body continued to shake and he continued to show the signs of true pain. I could no longer take any more of it!

Without even thinking, both of my arms wrapped securely around him until I knew I had a good grip and I moved him from the bed down in my lap.

I hugged his trembling body, which still cried out loudly in pain, close to my own and I felt the strangest urge to never let him go.

"Near, you have to wake up, it's just a nightmare!" I said desperately against him, my grip over him tightening and hearing the thoughts in my head that pleaded desperately for him to recognize my voice and follow it back to consciousness.

I didn't even care whether he didn't want to be touched now. It felt like I _needed_ to hold him close. Like I _needed_ to make sure he somehow knew he was safe with me here.

"It's just a nightmare…" I whispered in his ear after brushing the soft white locks away. I was still unsure if my words were cutting through the visions he was seeing, or even being heard past his cries of pain that gripped my heart.

"It's just a nightmare, Near. It's not real. You know it's not real. Wake up, Near, see that it's just in your head!" I said desperately. "Come on… you know who _I_ am. You know _my_ voice. Follow it back, Near. Wake up!"

He was shaking against me, but I held him tight in my own attempt to stop it. I listened to his ragged breaths with my eyes closed and, for once, felt _so_ helpless. It felt like I wasn't doing enough… or even the right things.

But then, suddenly, I heard the way his breathing seemed to even out a bit.

I drew back from him so I could look at his face.

His eyes twitched a few times and one more whimper, though softer now, left him. But then, I watched as his dark eyes slid about halfway opened.

My heart was racing in my chest as I looked back into his eyes. I wondered what he was seeing, for a moment, or what he was thinking. Had he heard me? Did he know what I'd said to try and help wake him? What?

But then, my eyes took notice to the film that seemed to veil his eyes. They were open a bit, but he wasn't seeing. His mind was still sleeping, but _he_ had been brought closer to the surface of consciousness.

In the next moment, his eyes closed again and his body went limp in my arms… fully asleep once again.

I continued to watch him, but I held him close to make sure that, if he could, he would know that I was keeping him safe. I was positive now. I'd done it. I'd brought him out of his nightmare somehow, and he'd be able to sleep better for a while without the horrible images plaguing him.

I gave a relieved sigh and turned us so I could rest against the bed in the same way I had been before. I had to try and relax myself once again… after that episode, I could feel the way my body showed the effects of fear. My heart racing, hands shaking even as they held him.

After a moment where I could relax again, and without thinking about what I was doing, I leaned closer to him and placed a gentle kiss to his forehead. "I'm here. I'm keeping you safe." I whispered to him… but unsure of where the words, or the action, had even come from.

But I didn't care to try and solve that mystery tonight. I would deal with everything in the morning.

For now… I would hold him and let him sleep. I'd hold him close. I'd hold him securely. I'd hold him up, and never let him fall.

A/N: Well that was a good chapter! At least I think so. It's obvious that Mello's emotions towards Near are changing now. And they will next chapter, when he analyzes why he did what he did, even more. We'll see how that goes, thought. Let me know what you think! All the details of it!

Please review!  
_-Forbiddensoul562_


	11. Drain Away

A/N: Thanks to everyone who has been reviewing thus far. Reading the reviews that you so kindly send always makes me feel better and encourages me to continue writing this despite how much I keep thinking to myself that I totally screwed up BP and now I have to find a way to fix it. So… thanks to everyone!

Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note or any of the characters used within this story.

Chapter 11: Drain Away

It was difficult to sleep through the remainder of the night. Every time I felt myself drifting into a dark sleep where I had no grasp on consciousness, I would instantly force my eyes open once more.

For some reason I simply couldn't allow myself to fall asleep like this, after the incidents that had happened. If Near had another nightmare and I was not awake enough to help him…

I never even let myself finish the thought.

So I continued to stay partially conscious through the rest of the night. But still Near did not stir at all. He lay quietly in my arms, his chest rising and falling with each breath and looking incredibly peaceful just as he did every time he was asleep.

When the morning rays of dawn filtered into the room, I knew I had to set the situation up right so Near would not wake up to this… If he did I was not sure how I would explain it.

I could imagine exactly what his onslaught of questions would be if he found us like this… but that was only because they were the same questions I had been asking myself during the course of the night.

Why was I holding him in my arms? Why had I not already put him back in bed? Why had I kissed his forehead earlier that night after he had calmed down again? There were so many questions, but no answers to go with them.

I finally sighed and lifted Near again, making sure the entire time to be gentle and miniscule with my actions, so I would not wake him. After all, I had no way of knowing if he was a light or heavy sleeper.

I placed him back on his bed as gently as I could and then drew up the sheets over his body, so he would not suspect a thing when he woke up in what I figured would be a few hours.

Afterwards, I took my normal position at the side of his bed, resting against the mattress and never letting my eyes stray from his sleeping form. As I watched him now, a new set of questions filled my mind.

'_What are you dreaming, Near?'_ I asked him in my mind. _'Can you feel me here? Do you know what I did last night? And… if you do… what will you say about it?'_ I had to hold back a chuckle at that part.

If Near got the chance to comment about it, he would probably give me some long explanation about how what I did was not needed, nor was it logical.

I sighed at the thought. Did everything really have to be logical? Did everything really have to be so black and white to that kid? He needed some color in his thought process… but at the same time that was like telling a brick wall it needed to be more flexible.

It just wouldn't happen.

I exhaled a large breath and let my fingers run through the boy's white hair just one more time. It was strange how much I liked the feeling of it.

But as I brought my hand back to where it had previously been against the mattress I had to wonder to myself about all of these little actions that I had made. Finally, I began to let myself think about the things I wouldn't tread into last night.

'_Why am I doing these things? Why am I going to such drastic movements to help him? What did all of this mean? Wh-.'_ I stopped myself instantly. No, I had to think about this in a different way. I couldn't continue to question myself all at once. I had to take one question at a time.

But I never got the chance to begin this, because a moment later Near began to stir in his sleep.

My eyes darted to him and watched the way his eyes trembled under the lids for a second before they slid open revealing drowsy dark grey orbs that watched the ceiling. I remained completely silent –simply watching him.

'_What are you thinking? Do you remember? Say something, damn you!'_ I mentally shouted to him. I wanted to know so badly… why wasn't he answering my questions? How did he _not_ see how much I wanted to know his thoughts?

Finally, after what seemed like an eternity, his eyes drifted over to me as he sat up in bed. "Why are you awake, Mello?" He asked in that normal, monotone voice he always had.

"Couldn't sleep. You?" I asked, my eyes staying glued on to him, and trying as desperately as I could to request for him to give me more than just a one-worded answer like I knew he would probably do.

However, he gave me worse than that by simply shrugging in response. He pushed back the covers and I knew what came next. Hell, I'd stayed in his room enough to know. He would get up and go take the first shower of the day before preparing to face the rest of the world.

"Near." I caught him as he'd begun to make his way towards the bathroom. I still wasn't sure what I wanted to say… but I had to think of something quick. He turned to me, to show I had his attention. "Did you dream?" I finally spit out.

He gave me a sort of confused look, but then went into thought about it. "None that I can remember at all." He stated. "Why?"

"Then why are you going to take a shower now?"

His eyes hardened, as if to tell me that I should already know the answer to that. And, based on his answer, I thought I just might. "I feel disgusting, Mello. Thus, I require a shower." I said nothing else, and allowed him to go into the bathroom –closing and locking the door after him.

Once he was gone, I rested back against his bed and breathed a sigh of relief. In the very least I understood what was going on. He did not remember having that memory-based dream –my attempts to wake him up probably caused that. But his body and mind knew that he'd had it, which made him get that disgusting feeling he always got from remembering.

I was glad… now I had a way of helping him in his sleep as well.

-

I told Near that, today, we were just going to stay in his room. I really didn't feel like dealing with anyone, or anything right. All I wanted to do was answer some of the questions that were going through my head.

Near played with his robots and all of his dice on the floor, and I lounged on his bed, watching him and thinking at the same time.

It just… didn't make sense to me. Near was my rival… so why did I care so much about him to do everything that I had been doing thus far? When I got specific, I was wondering why I'd done what I had last night. It seemed like a good place to start, anyway.

'_Maybe it was just the pain getting to me for seeing him that way.'_ I thought to myself. But then I had to shake the thought from my mind. That didn't make sense at all.

Sure… maybe I could feel pain, or sympathy, for him because of what had happened and for seeing the reality of it from those actions. But… that didn't constitute why I had to kiss him and promise that I was going to protect him.

Something just… wasn't adding up.

"Mello." Near's voice suddenly cut through my thoughts.

My eyes shot over to where he was on the floor and locked with his deep grey eyes. "What?" I asked, trying to hold back all of the annoyance that I was feeling. After all, I was not annoyed at him, so why should he have to see that.

I nearly growled at myself, there I went again trying to hide things in the hopes of helping him in the end. It just didn't make sense! Why was I doing this!

"What are you thinking about?" He asked, those eyes watching me as though they were trying as hard as possible to look past my façade to whatever was really going through my mind. I hated when he did that, it always irritated me…

"Nothing, Near!" I shot back at him harshly. Maybe because I was annoyed at myself… or maybe because I was annoyed at this whole thing in general. In any case I didn't mean to really snap like that.

But at the same time, I couldn't really take it back. No… that wasn't like me at all.

But as I watched the way he flinched away, at the harshness of my words and turned back to his toys as though our little talk hadn't just happened… I couldn't help but feel guilty.

I didn't want him to feel bad for simply asking a question. After all, how was he supposed to be the next L if he couldn't even ask a question anymore?

At the thought, I instantly took-back my own question. After what'd happened… I wouldn't be surprised if Near didn't even _want_ to be L anymore. He was probably just continuing to do it all to keep up his perfect image.

I sighed and went back to my own thoughts… trying to figure everything out. I continued to do these things to him… but why?

Because I was sympathetic?

Because I hated to see him the way he was now?

Or was it some kind of combination of all the reasons I could think up? I mean… yeah, I was sympathetic to him now, but who wouldn't be? And I did hate to see him as he was. I hated to see how much feeling he was showing without meaning to. He probably didn't even know half of it was let off.

Maybe that was it… maybe I just wanted to fix it… as I had always said. I wanted to do anything in my power to fix it… to make him better once again.

But now… I was beginning to think that it was no longer simply because I wanted my competition back…

Maybe it was because…

I suddenly stood up, before I could even finish the sentence in my mind. I couldn't do it, I had to leave… I had to get Near out of my mind! He was plaguing all of my thoughts and placing thoughts there that I didn't need!

They couldn't be real… they just couldn't…

I crossed the room to his door but stopped with my hand on the doorknob, as I felt his eyes on me again.

I looked back to him and noticed the way his eyes were watching me with deep question laced in them. He was probably simply wondering where I was going, but I knew he dared not ask, for fear of another outburst like before.

This was good… because I felt if he did speak… I would probably say every thought on my mind.

'_Play me even now, when you're vulnerable, will you?'_ I thought to him. _'Fine, have it your way. But I am not going to stick around to be another pawn for whatever game you're trying to play. I'm not going to do it again, Near! You won't win this!'_

I kept my cool, leaving the room before I could snap.

The hallway was empty at this time, which surprised me. But I didn't think anything of it. My mind was too filled with the thoughts of everything from before. I never thought analyzing my own thoughts would lead me to discover Near's game.

Perhaps I would have to try that more often.

I walked aimlessly, considering whether or not leaving like that was a good idea. I mean… perhaps I was wrong. Perhaps there was no game… and Near _wasn't_ using me.

No! He was! He had to be… why else would I be thinking all of the things I am, and thinking about him almost all the time?

Now it was my turn to get back. I needed to drain Near out of my mind somehow… I needed to stop thinking about him. Sure, maybe I could help him still… but not to the degree that I had been. In the very least, not when I knew that he was playing games with me.

Now came the tricky problem of how exactly I was planning on draining him out… what was there that could do that sort of thing? Not too many things, that I could think of, that was for sure.

"Hey, Mello." Came a familiar voice, suddenly.

I looked over and saw Matt walking into the room, a game in hand of course and his goggles over his eyes. "Hey, Matt, what's up?" I paused in step and waited for him to come over.

He continued to play his game as he came over to me, which I instantly began to wonder about. Usually the kid would at least put the game away when we were talking. This made me wonder.

"Nothing." He said simply. "Can we go talk?"

"Uh, sure." I said, confused now.

He didn't say anything more, but began walking away in the direction of our room. I paused for just a moment, wondering what this was all about. Maybe he would just say how annoyed he was that I was always around Near now… hopefully that would give me a reason to be away from Near a bit more.

I finally followed after him, intrigued now.

A/N: If anyone is wondering how Near was in this, and yet it wasn't in BP, well, in fact, there was a flashback in chapter 11 of BP that includes part of the earlier scene in it. Anyway, let me know what everybody is thinking might happen. I let one person read this and asked them and they didn't know, so... we'll see.

Please review!  
_-Forbiddensoul562_


	12. Desperate Release

A/N: I'm not sure what went wrong with the last chapter... maybe I did something wrong? I don't know. I provided a, in my opinion, good chapter and didn't get that much feedback. And, while I'm not one of those authors who does this strictly for the reviews, it is a bit depressing. Oh well, we'll see what happens with this chapter. I have a lot of hopes for this one as well.

Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note or any of the characters that are used in this story.

Chapter 12: Desperate release

I couldn't help but wonder what it was that had Matt nervous. Nobody would be able to tell Matt was nervous… but I'd been his best friend long enough to know that he was. He only ever continuously played his games like this when he was in that state.

I followed him back to his room and tried to keep from asking him what it was about too early. Part of me was pleading for him to tell me I've been spending too much time around Near.

Once he did that I had the perfect reason to stay away from Near.

But… at the same time the other part of me felt guilty for doing this in the first place. That part of me was pleading desperately to see the other side of this.

It was the logical side.

That part said that what I was thinking made no sense. Why would Near show me all that he had… and do everything that he had done if he was simply trying to play me? And, besides, what would he gain off playing me in such a way?

As I closed the door to our room and went over to my bed and sat down I remembered back to the time when Near had told me all of this to begin with. I remember the relieved look he had shown…as though a huge weight had been lifted off of his chest and that he thoroughly believed that things would get better from there on.

Wasn't I destroying his hope by doing this?

I shook the thought out of my mind. I had to be doing the right thing here… I had to get him off my mind. In the very least… for just a little bit.

"So," I began, looking over at Matt, "What's this about?"

Matt sat on his own bed, and I watched as he finally turned his game off and set it to the side. But it still looked like all he wanted to do was grab it and use it to keep his hands busy.

"I just… wanted to talk." He said, looking back at me through the lenses of those goggles he always had on.

"About what, Matt? Just fucking tell me." I told him, firm enough to demand an answer, yet not enough to keep the casual side from not coming through either.

"You know, things have really changed, Mello." He finally said. His own voice was not hard, and serious. I knew he wasn't going to beat around the bush much anymore. This was good… I didn't want him to be wasting my day away.

I put on a confused expression to urge him on, like I had no idea what he was talking about. "What do you mean?" I asked, as genuinely as I could.

He glared at me, "You've been spending a lot of time with Near over the past few weeks, Mello. Why?"

"What are you talking about?" I asked, as naturally as I could. But, internally I was thanking him. Now I could set whatever plan I wanted to into effect. I could use Matt to drain Near away… yes, it sounded wonderful to me.

"Don't act like you don't know, Mello. You were hanging out with him in the common room more than once, you're always watching him, and I've even seen you go into his room at night."

Now came the difficult part… I needed to think of some good reason for why I was around him. Maybe I could just get away with the simple answer. "L said I have to hang out with the brat more." I said through gritted teeth, just for the effect.

I watched the way Matt observed me, as if trying to pick me apart and find any lie in my words. But I knew he wouldn't be able to. The only person who was able to do that was a certain white-wearing rape victim

Finally, Matt spoke and brought me back from my thoughts. "Well, we should hang out more. You know?" His voice got quieter. I would say that he was starting to sound like a jealous girlfriend, but there was something in his voice that made me stop.

Something in his voice said he was hurt.

I gave him a confused look, "Matt?" This wasn't like him at all. When did this redheaded gamer ever get so completely serious with me? Why was he…

My thoughts trailed off, but I held my silence and simply urged him to continue on with wherever he was trying to go with this. There was something in all of his awkwardly chosen words that said he was trying to find a link to something… but as to what, I couldn't quite figure it out.

"Well… I don't want you to hang out so much with him. Didn't you hate Near a couple of weeks ago? What changed, Mels?" He asked, completely serious with me.

I shrugged, "I told you, I'm being forced by L to hang out with the kid more. He's probably still thinking that we can still work as a team." I said, and it did seem to have enough validity behind it. Maybe he would buy it.

A small grin crossed his face, "I'd believe it, Mello, if I didn't know you better than that." He explained. "Even if you _were_ being forced by L, you would do anything possible to spend as little amount of time around him as possible. But… it's like you're _looking_ for reasons to be around him now."

I had to admit, the guy caught on quickly… I wouldn't even be surprised if he had been suspecting things from the very beginning. He'd just done a good job about hiding it.

My brows knitted together, portraying my confusion. Part of me was confused… part of me was simply doing it for show. "Why do you even care, Matt? We're still best friends, you know that." I assured him.

"I care, Mello, because _I_ like you… so you can't be with Near." His voice got smaller at the end, as if realizing what he'd just said.

All facades that I had been holding around him suddenly fell to simply surprise… but nothing else.

Had I really just heard what Matt said? Had I really just interpreted that the way he had intended it to? Did… did Matt really… like me?

We were both silent after that, he looked away and yet I couldn't tear my eyes from his blushing face. I knew, in that moment, that I was thinking of his words in the exact way that he had meant them to come out.

Matt liked me… he probably was doing this in the hopes of starting some form of relationship with me. But… could I really do that? I'd heard stories of friends dating and then after it ends… it completely destroying their friendship.

I definitely didn't want that to happen to me and Matt.

But… at the same time, there was the side of me that really wanted to consider this. I mean… I had been searching for a way to drown Near out of my mind. That kid filled every thought I had… all parts of my mind he somehow found a way to touch.

I needed to have a break from that for as long as I possibly could… or in the very least until I could understand why that was. I thought he was playing with me again… but I knew in the back of my mind that that wasn't true.

I shook the thought from my mind and turned back to Matt. I still needed to give him an answer. I needed to say _something_. But… the plan that I had in mind made me seem so cruel, when in reality, I was merely desperate for a release from Near.

"Matt…" Was all that I could really say –all other words just seemed wrong, or too awkwardly placed.

His green eyes moved back to me, and I saw the way he was trying to read into me again. He was trying to see what I was going to tell him before I even said it. But I knew there was no way he'd be able to do it when not even _I_ knew what was going to happen next.

My hand reached out for him, and he hesitantly stepped closer to me. But this wasn't enough for my liking. I fisted my hand in his shirt and pulled him down closer to me –till we were practically nose-to-nose and staring straight at each other.

"Mello?" He asked, trying to hold back his shaking voice. He was nervous, but so was I.

I wasn't sure what there was to tell him… what words existed that could possibly help to convey all of my thoughts to him?

I didn't know what was right to tell him… but, God, did I know what I _wanted_ to tell him. _'I just want you to take these thoughts away from me. I don't want to think about the reality that I got caught in anymore. Maybe this is right, Matt… maybe I can find something right in you… but I just need to try.'_

Before I could let anything else pass through my thoughts I pulled him closer till our lips collided, and instantly I forced my eyes to close. I desperately pleaded to Matt not to break away now. Not when I felt like I might need this much more than he could ever understand.

Thankfully, though, he didn't.

After the first few awkward moments where neither of us moved, but instead savored the moment together, Matt began to understand and moved in just the way that I wanted him to.

I felt terrible as my hand slipped from its hold on his shirt to wrap around his back and urge him closer to me. His own hands found their way to my face –touching my cheek before slipping around to the back of my neck and pulling us even closer.

His lips moved against mine and I kept up with him easily. He was inexperienced, that was for sure –and I had reason to believe that he was not used to being the one to dominate. Nor had it probably been what he had expected to happen.

But it was what I wanted.

I wanted someone else to control the situation and for me to not have to think about anything for once. Let someone else deal with the decision making… just let me feel… just let me be.

I pulled Matt with me as I lay back against my bed, and he readily followed –crawling on top of me and I felt his hands raking over my body then.

I let him continued, despite a sinking feeling in my gut that told me all of this was wrong. My own fingers found their way to the hem of Matt's striped shirt and I urged him to remove it.

I wasn't sure how far I was planning on taking this yet… but something told me to continue, while another thing told me I was already pushing this too far.

Matt's hands moved my own shirt away so his fingers could touch the skin there, and when I gasped at the coldness of the surrounding room temperature, I felt his tongue in my mouth, and meld with my own.

My thoughts were gone… or completely covered in a haze and at that moment I didn't care which one it was. It was exactly what I wanted. If my mouth wasn't busy, I would have thanked Matt.

This was exactly what I figured I needed.

A/ N: Ah… would any have you ever guessed that me, who hates Matt so much and who hates MxM, would ever do this scene? Yeah, I didn't think I would either. But I need this to happen. It'll all make sense. Anyway, I liked the way it turned out. Ah, now I've done a single MxM scene and, unless it's needed again, I can say I've had my fill. In any case, let me know what you think!

Please review!  
_-Forbiddensoul562_


	13. Uncertain Realizations

A/N: Ha, so I was glad to see that I really surprised a lot of you with the events that occurred in last chapter! I knew it would surprise people considering the fact that I hate Matt, and dislike MxM most of the time. But, anyway, as I explained to most people I replied to, that wasn't done simply for the surprise of it. There was a reason. And that's where this chapter comes in…

Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note, nor do I own any of the characters that are used in this story.

Chapter 13: Uncertain Realizations

I felt that maybe I could have let Matt continue all of his actions forever. Or… maybe I wanted him to, so long as it meant my thoughts were dulled.

I knew that I wanted Matt… that I wanted him like this. But it was not for the right reasons at all. I didn't want Matt because of him, or because of what he thought could happen… I wanted him because of the effects he could have. But I knew I could just as easily feel this with anyone else.

Matt just happened to be there right then.

Suddenly, something began to hit me. It felt like betrayal, and was mixed around with the feeling that this whole thing was essentially wrong in every way possible.

'_That can't be.'_ I thought to myself. _'Who would I be betraying with this? How could this be wrong? Who would...'_ Before I could finish the thought my mind came back into play and told me exactly what it was.

My mind didn't let me admit it, and I didn't want to break away from any of this. This was what I wanted… but now it didn't feel like something that I _needed_. However, what I thought I needed didn't seem to make any sense to me anymore.

My lips, which were still passionately locked together with Matt's as suddenly broke off from him and I felt myself gasping for air –as though I had been lacking it for much longer than I had been.

"Matt…" I breathed out as I tried to get a grip over myself. If I was going to have any hope of ever stopping this now then I needed to get a hold over everything.

But Matt didn't stop in his movements. I felt as his lips only trailed their way down to my neck and he continued the assault.

My eyes closed, and I bit my lip hard to keep from forcing him to go onwards. No matter how much I knew that this was wrong, there was still that twinge of human side to me that told me to give in to the pleasure.

But, for once, I knew I couldn't listen to that side of me. "Matt." I said again, my hand that had trailed its way into his red locks gripped tightly until I felt his lips cease their attack.

"Hm?" He asked against my neck.

"Stop." I breathed out, and even I wasn't convinced by my own words. Obviously he wasn't either, for a moment later I felt his tongue trace against the skin on my neck and it was all I could do to hold back a shiver of delight.

I was done with him by now. I needed to fix this mess that I had started, but Matt wasn't helping me to do that by any means. Thus, I decided, it was time for me to take it into my own hands to stop him.

Before I could stop myself, or second guess anything that I might have planned in that second's worth of time before I acted, I retracted my hands from him and roughly threw him off of me.

Matt, surprised and unable to get a hold over what happened in time, fell to the ground. Instantly his green eyes looked up at me in confusion as he breathed just as heavily as I had been.

"I told you to stop." I told him as I sat up and sent a glare to him. But that was simply because that was what I was used to doing.

In the back of my mind I knew that this was all my fault, and that Matt had a perfectly good reason for looking as confused as he did. I had started this… I had pushed him to continue. But at the same time my pride wouldn't let me acknowledge that.

"What the hell were you doing?" I asked, though already knowing the answer.

Matt's look instantly fell till he looked like a kicked puppy. I hated to see him that way… he was my best friend and I'd just taken advantage of him in the worst way.

I'd played with his emotions for my own benefit, and now I couldn't even apologize to him. What the fuck was wrong with me?

"I thought… you…" He tried to force out with his green eyes continuing to watch me with that curious, yet pained, expression on his face. I wish I could look away, but to avoid his eye contact would mean I was showing that I knew it was my fault.

Yet there was a part of me that still wanted to. After all… how was I supposed to break him down anymore than I already had with the rejection? God… why had I not stopped him in some kinder way? It wasn't his fault any of this had happened… sure, it was his for liking me… but it was mine for using that for my gain and his pain.

What was I supposed to say to him now? My thoughts spoke volumes, but it was nothing I could ever voice to him. _'I'm sorry, Matt.'_ I thought to him. _'I wish you could understand. I didn't mean to hurt you… that's the farthest thing from what I meant! Please… forgive me.'_

Instead, I stuttered out as best of an answer that I could. "Matt… I… do you understand?" I finally asked stupidly. It sounded so condescending, but it was all I could force out.

Matt's eyes fell downward and were obviously depressed with everything. But he slowly nodded. He knew I didn't like him the way he did… he knew I wouldn't be able to return anything like that… and I hoped he knew how sorry I was.

After he nodded I got up from my bed, readjusted my shirt so it was straight then left from the room without another word to Matt. I knew the better thing to do would probably be to stay and try to make sure he was fine.

But I really couldn't. I felt too guilty about it all. All I wanted to do now was get away from everything and just think… I needed to leave everything behind so I could try to figure out everything.

With a plan in mind, I made my way down the hall towards the steps to take me downstairs.

-

When I finally made it to the spot that I had so desperately wanted to get to, I breathed a sigh of relief. This spot always relaxed me, no matter what mood I was in.

It was a small open area that I had found one day about a year ago where a small stream ran through the silent area –the trickling water being the only sound within it. To me, it was music to my ears, and I was always ready to spend a while here, just thinking.

I sat down on the bench and folded my arms over my chest.

I exhaled and let my eyes close then as the music from the water filtering into my ears and suddenly everything became just a bit easier for me to understand and to think over.

I reflected over everything that had previously happened.

I had rejected Matt after he confessed he liked me… and even after I had decided that I just wanted to use him in order to drain Near out from my mind.

And while that had worked… somehow it hadn't felt right.

It was hard for me to try and imagine that that particular kid had been the reason that I could no longer get him out of my mind. No… that didn't make any sense.

Or… maybe it did, somehow.

Maybe… because of everything Near had done over the weeks that I had been around him, and watched exactly how much his actions had changed, maybe that was why he was in my thoughts.

Maybe his actions had suddenly changed something. After all, earlier when I left in my fit of forced anger, there was a part of me that didn't really believe that I was mad at him. Like, it was just me trying to find a reason to try and hold on to how things used to be.

But why would I be suddenly try so desperately to hold on to it?

Of course because I liked the competition; and the hatred that it brought about, considering the fact that it was all I knew. But what if… there was more. What if there was something there that I wasn't understanding.

I tried to shake the thought out of my mind, as though it was too absurd to even give the proper thought to. But my mind wasn't being so compliant.

All I kept imagining was Near. Everything I had observed over the past few weeks while being around him, seeing the way he had changed and how very different of a light it seemed to put him in.

'_No._' I tried to tell myself with a shake of my head. _'It… can't be what I'm thinking that it is.'_ For some reason my desperate thoughts didn't convince me.

'_But what if it is? What if seeing the way that he has changed because of this has changed the way that I see him? After all, I don't think about the competition so much. And… I don't seem to hate him as much as I did before, either.'_

I gave another ragged sigh and let my head hang a bit. I wished desperately that the tranquil nature of this place would take all of these confusing thoughts away from me. But at the same time I knew that if Matt had not been able to before, then this place would not either.

I finally rested back and let my eyes trail out to nowhere in particular. If what I was thinking was right, and if all of my thoughts were correct… then I certainly had a lot to think about, and to consider before I could even consider going back to Wammy's.

After all, such a changing feeling as this certainly seemed to produce was one that, even I knew, could not be taken too lightly.

A/N: Ugh, that chapter was more hell than I thought it was going to be originally. Well… hopefully everyone kind of picked up on what I was trying to convey here. This is the point where Mello is beginning to realize that he might like Near more than he should. I just… couldn't find a way to really put that into so direct words. So you have to kind of read between the lines to see that. Let me know what you think!

Please review!  
_-Forbiddensoul562_


	14. Only Human

A/N: Thanks to everyone who reviewed last chapter! I actually hadn't expected that many! But it's wonderful to hear all of your thoughts and opinions. Please keep them coming. This chapter is going to be short, but it's meant to be kind of the tying factor that ends the new segments for the time being. We'll see how it goes.

Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note or any of the characters in this story.

Chapter 14: Only Human

The tranquility of my spot, while being enough to calm me down, hardly did anything to help me try and plan exactly what I was going to do. I just didn't know.

I knew that doing the wrong thing would mean admitting a fact that I didn't want to be a reality. And anything other than that would simply add to the terrible things I'd already done today.

I needed to fix this; that much was certain, but I didn't want to do it if it meant I would also have to face what my mind was trying to tell me had happened.

'_Even now…'_ I thought to myself as I stood up from the bench and began to walk back in the direction that I knew Wammy's was. _'Even now I'm just a puppet –reacting to what Near does and what he says.'_

It was hard for me to imagine that something like this had happened. However, on the other hand I had to admit that… just maybe this could work in both of our favors. This way, I could help him more.

I sighed and pulled my jacket closer to me. I contemplated what exactly I was going to do next. Should I go back to wherever he was? Or continue to ignore him for the rest of the day and begin anew tomorrow?

I had to admit, confronting him did seem like it might be the best plan… even if I didn't say anything. Anything to get back to where we had been before. I wasn't sure what to say… or what to do. But I knew that something had to be done, and he needed to know.

I half smiled at the thought.

Near would be so confused. He didn't understand… he wasn't in my mind and couldn't even think to fathom the thoughts that somehow played out and brought me to conclusions that, at times, made no sense at all.

Here I was just trying to understand what the hell was happening to me and trying to help him at the same time, and there he was just… trying to get by.

My heart constricted, for an unknown reason, at the very thought. I felt like I was jerking Near around depending on where exactly my thoughts decided to take me each day. Though in the back of my mind I knew that that wasn't what was going on.

'_What am I going to say? What am I going to do?'_ I wondered to myself as I continued to walk through the silent, snowy forest.

I couldn't seem to find the correct answer to my own questions. Damn… I hated how that seemed to be a reoccurring thing lately.

I sighed, dismissing the thought and trying not to think too much about it. I knew that if I put some kind of huge script as to what I should say, and what I should do then it would all just fall to pieces the moment I was in the same room as him.

-

Even as I finally entered back into Wammy's I still didn't know what exactly I was going to say. Did I tell Near about what happened and about my possible revelation?

No… that wouldn't be good. It sounded pointless when I thought about it that way. This was beginning to irritate me beyond belief. All of my thoughts were jumbled together, and as I began up the stairs to where I'd left Near, I could feel myself growing nervous.

Why the hell was I nervous at the thought of just talking to him? That didn't make any sense.

The second story hall, where all the bedrooms were located, was quiet, but even so I could hear my heart racing in my chest. I could only hope this was going to go as well as I hoped it would.

I reached Near's door and went in without knocking –just as I always did.

There, I found Near right where I had left him what felt like forever-ago. Still sitting on the floor and still surrounded by his toys. However, his eyes shot up to me and looked partially questioning.

My heart continued to race, but I could no longer understand why, exactly. What was that line? _"Be still my beating heart."_ Wait… ah what the hell, now I'm quoting Shakespeare? At that moment I knew something was wrong with me…

I sighed, trying to get rid of anything that had been on my mind previous. I worked best when I did things on impulse, so this couldn't be any exception.

Without even thinking about it I moved closer to him, knocking down the toy walls that'd been around him and wrapping my arms around him tightly –whether because I felt I had to, or because I didn't want him to be able to break loose just yet.

Instantly, and quite predictably, he began to fight. "Mello!" I knew just from the tone in his voice that he wanted to be let go, and that this was probably not helping him in one bit.

But I wasn't doing this for him. I was doing it for me. I needed to assure myself that I could do this… that I could be this close to him and not snap back into that persona that hated him. I needed to know that I could hold him safe, and secure.

Besides, if I couldn't convince myself, then how exactly was I supposed to convince him?

"I'm sorry." I finally heard myself say. Near stopped struggling a bit, but from our closeness I could hear his heart racing as well, and it was as if I could feel just how afraid he really was.

I couldn't bring myself to say anything else, and instead I spoke it in my thoughts and somehow hoped it would be known to him. _'I'm only human, and I hate you… you're everything I'm not and that really pisses me off. But I also don't understand the thoughts that are going on in my head. Maybe… maybe I like you. Maybe that's why I'm trying to help you so much. Maybe… I have a connection with you now. Maybe I want to help you because… because I like you."_

A/N: I know some people are probably going to complain because this is a short chapter, but quite honestly, I planned for this to be a short chapter. I didn't want it to be over 2,000 words. But as I said in the beginning Note, this was just meant to be the tying factor, or the kind of ending for that small new segments. Anyway, I kind of liked it despite how hard it was to get just right.

Please review!  
_-Forbiddensoul562_


	15. Protective Nature

A/N: This story is beginning to irritate me a little bit. Well… more like, just give me troubles. I've had everything planned up until this point… and so now I've got nothing. So… it's going to continue back on the trail of following BP… but for the next few days I'm going to be reading over BP in order to see what ideas I can get.

Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note or any of the characters that are in this story, so please don't sue me!

Chapter 15: Protective Nature

The weeks began to move on from that time, and things evened out once more. I went back to helping Near as much as I could from day to day, and Matt and I silently went back to just being best friends.

We never really said anything more about what'd happened. It was just kind of understood that the feelings weren't returned and that it would just be best to keep things as they had always been –as best friends.

As for Near, I was still lost in a haze of confusion when it came to him. I wasn't sure what I was feeling, or why I did everything I did, or even if anything I was doing was helping him.

He kept that emotionless façade up around me most of the time –unless I went to touch him or insulted him without thinking about it; then it looked like he took it worse than he used to.

There were times when I grew frustrated at him for not showing whether or not I was helping. But then I had to sigh and force myself to just be patient –no matter how hard that was. I knew that, in time, it would be shown whether or not my helping really did anything.

I figured what I was doing had to have had some kind of effect –for there were times when he showed it. Like… when we'd leave from class and he'd look scared around all of the other kids –who paid him no mind whatsoever. But then when I'd walk up, or at least be within his sight I could see that diminish greatly.

It was like I was his security blanket –and there was a part of me that really didn't mind that.

I sat at the table down on the first floor eating breakfast. I figured I'd better be seen alone for a while before returning back to how things usually were. That way rumors weren't spread so easily.

I wasn't sure what I was contemplating, but my vision was locked down on my cereal and I could do nothing to move it.

It wasn't until I heard someone run into the room and to the table that I finally looked up –just to find Matt standing there, breathing heavily and a gleam in his eyes that I'd only ever seen there when he got a new game, or a new system to play them on.

"What's going on, Matt?" I asked before he could catch his breath enough to speak.

He huffed, "Didn't you hear? I thought you'd be ecstatic by now!" He stated.

"Hear about what?" I asked, looking him over for any outwardly obvious signs that would show what he was so happy about. But unfortunately there was nothing to really give me any hints.

"Hear about what's going on today!" He continued, just as vague as ever.

I just stared at him, waiting for him to get the point that I didn't know what he was talking about.

"We get to talk to L today!" He said.

I admit, at first I was excited. L was my idol and I'd wanted to talk to him for the longest time. But then the realization hit me and all of the excitement that I could have unconsciously shown slipped off my face and puddle onto the floor.

Swarms of questions invaded my mind and I could not sort them all out at once. L? He was coming here? But… Near was here. What was he planning? What if he wasn't coming here at all… and, even so, what would Near's reaction be?

Suddenly I began to think. _'Does Near even know about this?'_ I wondered to myself. Matt was muttering something to me, but I was too far in my wondering to listen to him right now.

I felt that I had to plan something. I had to hold everything in my control this time. But even the thought of it sounded absolutely absurd. How could I be expected to hold all the cards _and_ play them right when I was going against the greatest detective ever –the one that could control anyone just by saying the right things?

Usually this would be the kind of thing that Near was good at, but now I had to stand up and be better –and be able to excel past him when he was down. This was my chance, and in the back of my mind I knew it. Thankfully, it would serve for two good things.

"When is it?" I asked Matt, stopping him mid-rant. It was now that I understood why he was gleaming as he had been a few moments ago. He knew this was the opportunity I'd wanted for a long time. I'm sure it would surprise him, as well as everyone else, if things turned bad.

It'd been weeks since the last time Near had gone to a 'meeting' with L. I was positive that this would have nothing to do with whatever L had promised would happen at this thing. This was just his chance to be within the same room with Near again. This was his chance to observe how much Near had been affected.

And I wasn't about to let him see just how much it did. I'd be damned if I ever let him find out that the boy cries from his nightmares, and can't stand to do half of the things he used to be fine with. I would die before I let L see just how much he'd cracked Near –if not broken him.

"In a few minutes." Matt said. "I came to get you. I figured you'd want to push your way to the front of everybody." He stated.

I nodded, trying to create a plan. "I'll meet you there." I said, needing him to leave so I could go find Near now. I hoped he wasn't already there, and that I would at least have a chance to see him, or talk to him before hand.

I left from the table after Matt walked away and cleaned up my stuff –just putting time between Matt and myself; the last thing I wanted was for him to spot me around Near again and get some kind of wrong idea.

After that, I then slowly made my way towards where I figured this would be taking place –seeing as all of the other kids were headed that way. But I stopped when I reached the entrance way at the sight that was there.

It was almost a pitiful sight to see, and I wondered how anyone in their right mind could really just pass it by without a second glance, or without a single word. It was as if he didn't exist at all. Maybe it'd always been like this, I had just never noticed.

Near stood at the bottom of the steps, his hands clumsily fumbling with his sleeves and his dark eyes pointed down to the floor. They were as emotionless as ever, but I could see the great numbers of questions that were whirling around in his mind.

Swallowing and trying to keep myself composed while around others I walked up to him, but he still didn't seem to notice me. "Hey." I said to get his attention.

He looked up and his dark eyes fell on me.

The look was almost intimidating, and for a second I thought about saying something against it, but I caught myself before I could and instead just tried to hold the normal expression I'd always hold around him.

"Did you hear?" I asked to break the tense silence between us. It was a stupid question, really, I knew we both knew what was going on. But at the same time I still felt the need to ask.

He finally nodded, as if in defeat.

I motioned for him to follow me back where the other kids were moving too –to one of the classrooms that'd probably been emptied for the time being. I moved to follow, but after a few steps I realized that Near still hadn't moved.

"Come on." I said, looking back at him. I wanted to say more, so much more, but I understood that in public was not the best place. He would simply have to trust me to get everything I needed to keep L from doing anything through this.

He looked down once more, but began to follow me nonetheless. We were both apprehensive about this, but it was completely understandable.

Entering into the classroom Near instantly left in his own direction –going to the back where he could be by himself and began playing with a couple rubrix cubes. As for myself, I continued to a far wall and pulled out a chocolate bar to help me think.

I looked around, at all of the other kids who were there crowding around a single desk with a laptop on it. None of us knew what to expect, but I could hear my heart quickening just at the thought of having to possibly compete against L to protect Near from whatever assault he might have planned.

Matt wasn't too far away from me, but his eyes were on the blank screen; he looked surprisingly interested in what was coming next. Usually he never thought much of L, or the whole competition, so it surprised me to see him so enthused. Perhaps he was simply acting on the fact that they might not get this chance again.

Suddenly, the computer screen flicked on, revealing his signature old-English black L sign, as well as the camera mounted on the top that came on as well. He was watching us… while we could only stare at the letter that always hid him.

For the first time in my life, I was disgusted by the fact that he couldn't even dare to show his face to us –to his possible successors.

"Good morning everyone," He said, the voice scrambled a bit. "I'm sorry this is so sudden. We were going to do this later but because of recent events, we decided to move this to now. I figured this would be a good chance to allow anyone to ask anything they want and I will answer it. It's a way to personally know more." He explained, as casual as ever.

People's hands began to raise to ask questions, but I stayed silent as he began to answer them. As he did this, I began to wonder to myself –if I could, what kind of questions would I ask to him?

'_Why did you do this? Why did you have to destroy the top ranked student here? Do you have any idea what that did? How can you call yourself justice after all you've done?'_ Thus, is why I stayed silent. I knew if I spoke now, or even tried to, I would say something like that to him. And neither, more importantly Near, wouldn't appreciate it.

So I bit my tongue. Hard.

After a few moments of answering the continuing questions, he began saying something that caught my interest. "If you measured good and evil deeds by current laws, I would be responsible for many crimes."

'_Yes, you would, L. No matter how many good things you've done, everything you've done now leaves you undeserving of even the lowest pits of Hell.'_ I wanted to say it…I wanted to just tell him everything that was on his mind, and spit every insult I could to him.

But I didn't… because, not only the same reasons from earlier, but also the fact that none of it would really mean anything until I could somehow get my hands around his throat. Everything I could say to him would all be sand to be brushed aside until that moment.

"The same way you all like to solve mysteries and riddles, or clear video games more quickly, for me too, it's simply prolonging something I enjoy doing." My hand clenched around the chocolate bar I still held. _'So you're just trying to prolong this enjoyment? You find enjoyment in other's destruction?'_ I couldn't even begin to understand it.

"Now." L said suddenly. "Let's move on to something a bit more specific." Everything fell silent in the room and all of the hands dropped –everyone, even myself, was wondering what L would say next.

"Near." He said slowly and carefully.

Now! I knew it! He was going to say something to him, probably something with an underlying meaning –something to break him more since he can't be there in person to do it. I had to stop him… I had to intervene –whether Near wanted me to or not.

"He's not here." I said suddenly. All eyes turned and landed on me. But I wasn't affected by that. My eyes stayed planted on the laptop, and I was sure even L was watching me now. That was good, I wanted him to know that I knew.

As I stood there watching, feeling as though I was staring right back at him, and thinking about all of the things he'd done, I couldn't help but feel more hatred than I ever had before. I knew in that moment that, if he was in this room with us, I could have killed him.

"Why not?" L asked in the same manor that he had before.

I had to pause and think of what would be smart to say. _'Because he doesn't want to deal with you. Because he doesn't consider you an idol anymore. Because-._' I cut myself there.

"He didn't say." I said simply. I didn't want to get too specific and make it seem like I knew too much. I was sure that with my intervening L would have already been able to understand the situation at hand.

"Why do you think, Mello?" He asked, obviously goading me into trying to tell him more of what was going on. But I wasn't about to fall for it.

"How the hell should I know, I don't know what he thinks! Maybe he just didn't want to." There, in that I'd both disrespected him, thus showing that I no longer held any respect for him, and also told him that Near didn't want to be here, that he didn't want to be around him, or anything that had to do with him.

"I see." L said, probably knowing that if he continued his prying it would look suspicious. "Well, when you can, tell him that in the future I'd like to discuss this case with him. I think he'd find some interest in it."

My eyes narrowed on him instantly, knowing exactly what he meant by those words. I just couldn't help it. The thought sickened me that much that I lost just that inch of composure. "Fine." I answered simply.

Everything was deathly silent within the room now and the eyes of the other orphans drifted between the three of us. I felt so separate from them –as though we were living in a story that they couldn't understand even if they tried.

This was for the three of us to know, and needed no more people getting involved. It was already a touchy and complicated situation as it was.

Suddenly, a girl from the group sitting on the floor asked a question and they turned back to how they had been before –asking any question they could think of and L answering them as if our scene had not happened.

That just showed how little he cared about being caught. He knew he had this securely under wraps and that the secret was safe. I just wish it wasn't.

My eyes drifted over to Near, to observe what he did now after that. I wished more than anything that he hadn't been there. But… now that he had, what was I going to do?

Not surprisingly, his eyes didn't show anything to me as he looked away. He was probably thinking over the words, or wondering of what would come next. But he did a good job of hiding it all.

After a few moments he suddenly stood up and left from the room. I wanted to go after him, but I knew that if I did, and I didn't wait until after this was finished, that it would look even more suspicious than it already did. Also, I knew that if I went by myself Roger would probably follow me and try to figure out what all of that was about.

And I was in no mood to try and think up some reason for why I'd done it. My eyes drifted to the door and I tried to wonder what exactly could be going through Near's mind.

As for myself, all I could wonder about was of how much longer I would have to endure this Hell before we were free once again.

A/N: Meh… I really wish I had done the argument thing between Mello and L differently… it probably could have been done pretty well. But, alas, I must have been feeling un-creative that day or something. Oh well, I still feel this chapter came out pretty well.

Please review!  
_-Forbiddensoul562_


	16. Internalize It

A/N: It's surprising, really. I looked back at BP and started to plan what was going to happen from here on out and I found something interesting –I found that when I look back, and read over Near's words, and Mello's expressions, that I can clearly plan exactly what I want to happen. Some of you may think, "Well haven't you been doing that in the past?" Actually, no. This chapter is the first time I've actually gone back and re-read the whole thing. Before now I just had too good of an understanding of the story to do that. The only time I looked back was when I needed the quotes and stuff. So… that was quite interesting to me. Hopefully it helps.

Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note or any of the characters in this story!

Chapter 16: Internalize It

I watched Near walk out of the room with the same expression on his face as he had had when he walked into here –absolutely nothing.

I wasn't sure what to think about what'd happened what felt like just a few seconds ago. What it meant now hardly struck me at all. I didn't care whether L knew, or what he did now. The fact of the matter was that I had made a move in which he would now have to maneuver around.

I still had no idea how exactly he would move, but I didn't care. I felt assured that we would be fine for a small window of time and that he wouldn't act again.

I wanted him to go away again –like he had for the past who knew how many weeks. Everything had been fine when he was nothing more than a name and not really there. It made assuring Near that it wouldn't happen again so much easier.

But I wasn't sure whether he would believe me anymore.

L's presence here really fucked things up for me. I knew Near had come to finally trust me before, but now that L had come back and Near had possibly realized that the presence was still around… all of that might have been severed.

I leaned back until my head hit the wall and my eyes drifted to the closed door for which Near had previously left from. The sound of L answering questions became nothing more than a buzz in the background.

I wanted more than anything to follow after him. But I wasn't too sure if Roger would let me. I knew it didn't matter, and if it came down to it I could just leave despite what he says.

I couldn't help letting my mind drift off and begin to wonder what Near was doing now. God, how I hoped it wasn't anything dramatic.

My mind conjured up images of him cracking under his own thoughts of what might happen now, or the realities of the unstable situation before us. I hoped almost as hard that I didn't leave from here and find him in that state… I wasn't sure how I'd be able to handle knowing I hadn't been there to fix it.

The images suddenly became too much, too much for me to just sit here idly anyway. I had to get to him before the others left. That way if he _was_ in such a state, I could either fix it, or move him to somewhere else.

I stood from where I'd been leaning and crossed the floor towards the door –my eyes set firmly only on that spot.

"Mello?" Roger said, and suddenly the entire room went quiet.

I waited for a brief moment for L to say anything. _'Go ahead, L, try and keep me here and away from him. We'll see how well that works.'_ I thought to myself, but didn't turn to them. I knew if I did I'd end up glaring daggers at that screen.

"I can't listen to anymore lies." I finally answered before continuing on and slipping out of the room before anything more could be said. I waited momentarily for someone to come out, but when no one did I moved away from the room.

The entirety of Wammy's felt empty and almost dismal, in a way –it was odd, when there were no kids running around the whole building had a sort of… eerie feeling about it. Almost like there were hidden secrets within these walls that no one had told us before.

I slowly walked around, searching for where Near had gone and tried to shake this feeling. Thankfully, I didn't hear anything, so if Near was on the bottom floor than I was almost assured that he hadn't snapped under it all.

Or… not yet anyway.

Finally I came across the common room, and thankfully that's where I found him.

He was sitting where he always did, with completed white puzzles scattered around him. But that wasn't what made me stop and really look at him, it was… him in the entirety, I suppose. I'd seen him broken from his normal, emotionless, outer-self when he had nightmares… but never when he was awake.

He was on the borderline of it, and I could see if in his face. His eyes were closed and sealed off from the rest of the world, his body was positioned in the way he always sat on the ground, yet somehow more drawn in to himself. There was a light shake in his body as well, as though everything was growing inside of him and about ready to burst.

I wanted to go over and just… find some way to fix this. I couldn't deny what my mind told me I really wanted to do. I wanted to hug him… hold him and hopefully hold the pieces of him together. But I knew that wasn't the smart thing to do.

I stepped further into the room until I was a few feet in front of him. I wasn't sure what I wanted to say now… what was there to really say?

"Near." I said. He didn't say anything, and didn't move at all. For a brief second I wondered if he had even heard me. "They're going to be done in there soon. We should move, unless you want to be seen here." I stated, knowing he was ready to cave under it all, and nobody else needed to see him like that.

His eyes finally slipped open, looking at the floor. "Why did you do that?" He asked, surprisingly calm. Though… I knew I shouldn't be surprised. I was talking to the master of walling things up.

I sighed, wondering why he couldn't just do things the easy way. "Do what?"

"In there."

I watched him for a moment longer, knowing exactly what it was he was trying to get from me. But I wasn't sure what to say. He should know well enough why I did what I did.

I sat down in front of him, partially just so I could see him better. There was something about seeing just how broken he was that fascinated me, in a way. I'd been trying for years to get him to such a point with no luck.

But his idol, no, _our_ idol was the one who'd finally brought him to the point I'd wanted him at for so long. Somehow, though, knowing this… it seemed almost fitting. Who was I in the scheme of things when it was L that was his world?

I sighed and pushed that thought away. "What do you mean?" I asked.

"Why did you tell L that I wasn't there? Are you oblivious enough to have missed the camera on the top of the monitor?" I was taken aback by his sudden burst. What the hell?

How the hell could he be mad at _me_ after that? I'd _helped_. I'd stopped L. So where was this coming from? Was he just… looking for someone to take whatever he was feeling out on? Somehow this didn't hit me, and I spoke before I could really take it in.

"Of course I knew it was there!" I said, my voice louder now with the frustration. "But I wasn't about to let him talk straight to you and send more messages your way." His eyes squeezed closed once more, but that didn't cease anything from me.

"By doing what you did, he now knows that I told you."

"I don't care!"

"I do."

"Why?" I asked, trying to even my voice enough.

He was quiet for a long moment before he finally answered in a quiet voice, "I don't know." I watched the way his eyes squeezed tighter, and the way his hands gripped to the sleeves of his shirt. _'What are you thinking, Near?'_ I wondered.

I paused, calming myself down enough before I dared to speak again. I reached up and touched his cheek –the softness of it always surprised me. "Look," I guided his face up to look at me, "Let L know that I know what he did. Maybe now he won't attempt anything like that anymore."

I watched him just as he watched me. I could see the pain hidden deep in him, but I could also see the wonder in his eyes. I couldn't help wondering what I was showing him… what did he see?

"He will, Mello, it's obvious in the words he used. L can get away with anything he wants because of who he is. The next time he wants something all he has to do is say the word."

"You're too fucking pessimistic, Near." Though, in that moment of time where I stopped, I had to wonder… was it he who was being too pessimistic? Or was he actually being realistic, and I was being hopelessly optimistic? It was hard to tell.

My fingers trailed up till I could touch the soft locks of his hair. He was trying to move away, but I wouldn't let him. He'd trusted me before, so why not now? He should know I wouldn't do anything to him. But then again I didn't know why I was doing this, either.

"All you would have to do is say that you'd rather not go." I finally continued.

"That's rather suspicious."

"It's better than complying with what he wants!"

He broke the hold I'd had over him and moved away from me. But I couldn't stop my actions, there was something in his desperate attempts to protect himself and throw up walls to me that was beginning to really fucking irritate me.

I took his face again to direct him to look at me again, this time with both hands. He was desperate now, but I had him better now. "Please don't touch me, Mello." He said, in a voice that I would almost call pitiful. He was desperate to get away, but I was desperate to get him to understand… to trust me again.

"Look at me, Near!"

He stopped, and finally looked back at me.

But what lay on his face suddenly made me freeze in place.

Fear.

'_He's afraid of me…'_ I painfully realized. I'd… I'd become no better than L was. I was forcing Near into a situation for which he didn't want to be… forcing him to deal with the pain of contact with another being. Forcing him to live with the fear of not knowing what the person controlling you would do next.

I tried to force this realization away from me, trying to once again hold the control I had over this situation –despite how guilty I felt for it now. "I meant what I said when I said nothing would happen again. I know what I did when I let L know that I knew. I have everything under control, Near!"

He watched me with those eyes… those dark eyes that always seemed to burn directly through me and see past everything I said and did. "You still don't believe me." I realized.

"How am I supposed to?" He asked in that quiet voice.

I watched him for a long moment, trying to figure out what it was he was looking for me to tell him. What was I supposed to say? What was I supposed to do? Had I not worked hard enough as it was to get him to believe me?

I backed off of him suddenly, letting go of him and moving away from him. He watched me for a moment longer before looking down as well.

Finally, I forced myself to speak. "Fine." I said, "Internalize it all." I walked to the entrance of the common room before I added spitefully, "We'll see what happens."

I was so mad at him as I left the room… How could he just not believe me? What had I not done? I didn't understand. My hands itched to hit him as I moved away and tried to put as much space between us as possible.

What was the point of me doing any of this if he doesn't even have faith that I can control the situation? I hated this… I just wanted to hit something, to hit _him_ until he understood! Until he believed me!

But that wasn't right, and slowly the thought that I was no better than L began to creep back into me.

I went up the stairs and to my room, slamming the door closed the moment I got inside. My back hit the door and I suddenly felt numb of everything.

What had I just done? I'd… I'd just left Near there without anyone… cut the ties between us and probably made him believe that I was no longer going to help him. Well… I wasn't even sure if I wanted to anymore. Not after all of that, anyways.

I slid down the door till I hit the floor and just looked out at nothing. All I could imagine was Near by himself… trying to deal with this situation that _I_ had caused. It wasn't fair to him. I had the ability to control what was going on… but if I was cut from the picture, than L could control Near however he wanted.

I'd caused such a riff in this whole thing. Why the hell couldn't any of my plans work the way I needed them to? Why the hell couldn't anything go right?

More importantly, what was I supposed to do now? I had proof that I could control Near in, probably, the same way L did… or he probably thought so in the least, so I wasn't helping any there. So… maybe it was best to simply stay away from him.

I sighed. _'I fucked up, Near… I'm sorry… I don't think it'd be right if I protected you anymore.'_

A/N: So that was definitely longer than the original one was! I really wish I could re-do the way that chapter was in BP… it was hard to get my ideas across in this one and still follow that one. Hopefully it's not _too_ contradictive and makes some sense. Now comes the difficult part of trying to figure out how to do the next chapter. We all know what comes next.

Please review!  
_-Forbiddensoul562_


	17. Going Back

A/N: I'm sorry about the delay in this being posted. Things have been going on, the last week of school is next week and I've just been busy. Not to mention I've been really scared about the way this would come out. All I want is perfection from it. Thanks to Shadowsasuke for slapping me, and making me continue this during the ten minutes that I gave up writing this story up.

Disclaimer: I don't own Death Note or any of the characters used in this story!

Chapter 17: Going Back

I wasn't sure how long I'd been here. Time always seemed to move so much slower when I wasn't doing anything. For all I knew I could have been laying here for a few days.

I'd moved from the floor to my bed, but the moment I hit the mattress I felt all my energy leave and all I could do was stare across from me to the wall on the other side of the room.

My mind continued to play the scene between Near and myself over and over –each time it was a bit more painful than the last.

I couldn't seem to grasp it… why I had taken such actions in the hopes of simply convincing Near that I had everything under control? I knew he should already believe me… so it annoyed me that he didn't.

But at the same time I was trying to force myself to understand that _of course_ he didn't; that that was just natural for him. But that didn't help me at all. What more did I need to do?

I sighed, closing my eyes and trying to think it all over once again as the memories played before me.

It felt like just a moment later when suddenly the door to Matt and my room opened. "Ah, well that was certainly an interesting meeting!" Came Matt's voice almost simultaneously. How he'd known I was going to be in here, I wasn't sure. Maybe he'd been looking for me or something.

I simply grunted in response, but instantly regretted it. Now he'd know I was not only awake, but would want to interrogate me as well. Whatever… I've never been that good of an actor anyway; he would have figured it out eventually.

I listened to his bed creak as he sat down on it. I kept my eyes closed, still not wanting to really look and thus deal with reality around me.

"So…" He finally said, but his voice trailed off at the end –like he was waiting for me to finish what he was hinting at. Unfortunately, I had no intention of doing so. But… if he asked… that could be something different entirely.

Maybe I could use Matt again…

I didn't favor the thought, but hey, Near got away with it all the time. Maybe I could do the same. I had to shake the thought from my mind. No… I couldn't stoop to that again.

Or… maybe not to the same extent, anyway.

"Just fucking ask it, Matt." I said firmly, my eyes slipping open so I could watch him.

He didn't falter a bit, and I suppose he was actually expecting me to say something like that. "So what was up between L and you during that meeting?" He asked. "It sounded like… there was something going on. I mean, even if Near didn't want to talk to L, why, I wouldn't know, there was no reason for you to say anything."

Matt sounded like he knew more than he did, or that he was trying to use what ability he had to figure this whole thing out. But there was no way that he'd be able to. The reality of the situation, and all that came with it, seemed to strange for reality.

"I just… had to break the connection between them somehow." I finally said, trying to keep this as I possibly could and not tell many lies. So far, I hadn't told any –and that was good.

"Why?" He asked, predictably.

"Because, Matt, I had to intervene. I couldn't just let Near be talked to by him. I wanted to be involved too, and that seemed like the only way." I wasn't sure if this was a lie or not. I was already involved, but not to the extent Matt was probably thinking.

I guess it wasn't.

"What about when you left? What lies?" Matt proceeded to ask. "And where the hell did you go, anyway?" I had to sigh, of course he would ask so many questions.

Sure, Matt didn't like L like Near and I once had, but that was exactly it… he knew that we'd both idolized him, and only him. My actions were odd, of course.

I wasn't sure how to answer that, honestly. When I'd said it, it'd meant to be a blow to L… but I'd barely thought of what had gone through everyone else's minds.

"I went and talked to Near." I said, ignoring the rest of his questions. I didn't want to tread into those subjects. I wanted to talk about Near… I wanted to find some solution to what I'd created.

"What'd he say?" Matt asked.

"I… told him that I wasn't going to deal with him anymore." My eyes darted to Matt. "He doesn't trust me, Matt! Can you believe that? That bastard doesn't even trust me… after all I've done…" I said, and I sounded so hurt.

Matt seemed to understand, then. There were things going on that he wasn't meant to know about. Sure, I used to tell him everything, and I'm sure it hurt him to know that I couldn't tell him about this.

But he still understood.

"Well… that's pretty understandable, Mels." He said, almost hesitantly. "Look at how you used to be to him. It'd take a while for him to really trust you."

"But he should know!" I said.

He sighed, this time. "Look… he's probably really hesitant about you being around him so much. You _are_ you after all –impulsive, loud, and able to snap at the simplest things." He had a good point.

"So what should I do?" I asked, hating myself for not having all the answers, or being able to come up with them on my own. But Matt seemed to have this one, so I'd let him give them to me.

"Well… despite his hesitance you have to keep going back. You have to go back and keep doing what you were –if only to prove him wrong. Though… there may be more to it than that." He said.

I looked at him confused, what the hell did he mean? What was he seeing that I wasn't?

I turned to lay on my back and stare at the ceiling as I began to wonder what I was going to do now. Matt had a good point in saying I needed to go back if only to prove that Near was wrong. Plus, it was definitely something that I would do.

Matt was quiet now and so was I. He was probably still trying to figure out what was going on. But my mind had taken a different path. I was now trying to decide what I was going to do to go back to Near.

I couldn't just… go talk to him again. He'd probably be more afraid of me than anything. And, not only that, but I knew I had too much pride to swallow it and freely admit my fault.

So what was I going to do?

I laid there silently and tried to put some kind of mental plan together.

-

I finally decided to carry out my plan, as weak as it was, later that night –when all of Wammy's was silent and it would only be him and I that would know of what I was going to do.

I snuck out of Matt and my room once that redheaded gamer had fallen asleep and crept down the dark hallway of Wammy's. I still wasn't sure what I was going to say… or what I was going to do.

Somehow I tried to convince myself that it would all come to me when I saw him.

Once I reached Near's door I felt a wave of nervousness come over me. What _was_ I going to say? Especially if he was awake. He would probably call me out on what had happened, and I would get mad.

But that wasn't what I wanted to happen. I wanted to simply swallow my pride and apologize without him saying a thing. But I doubted I would get that.

As silently as I could I opened Near's door, looking in and finding it dark inside. Once I entered and closed the door I stayed exactly in place so my eyes could get used to the overwhelming darkness that had consumed Near's room.

I knew where Near's bed was instinctively, only because I'd slept beside it for so many nights, so I let my eyes rest there. And as they adjusted the sight of Near, sleeping soundly, came into view.

I had to smile at the sight. He always looked so damn peaceful when he was asleep. I loved that. It was like he was normal once again and wasn't being plagued by those damn memories. Even if I hadn't been the one to bring about this peace in him, like I felt I should be able to, it was still good to see it on him.

I crossed the floor and sat down beside his bed, like I would every night. My head rested against my arms on the mattress and I watched only him –his eyes unmoving behind those pale lids, the serene look upon his flawless face, and even the way his breath came out evenly through his nose.

I loved watching it all.

Suddenly, and as gently as I could, I took Near's hand that was closest to me from the sheets and brought it to my lips. I pressed soft kisses to his knuckles for reasons I tried not to understand.

Then I held his hand against my cheek, unable to let it go. "I'm… sorry." I finally said in a whisper. "I didn't mean to go off like that. I should've understood better the state that you're in." Part of me was glad that he couldn't hear me, but there was also another side that kind of wished he could.

"I didn't…" I stopped, trying to reorganize my words. "I'm _going_ to protect you, Near, whether you believe it right now or not. I… hate seeing you like you were today."

My eyes looked straight to him. "You just have to give me some time." I couldn't help but smile a bit as I added at the end, "You just have to trust me."

A/N: I had originally planned on continuing to the nightmare scene. But as the weeks went on and I still didn't write it I realized I just needed to get something up. So consider this the first half of the night and that nightmare will be the second half. We'll see how it turns out. Sorry about how short it is, by the way.

Please review!  
_-Forbiddensoul562_


	18. The Nightmare

A/N: I'm not too sure about how this chapter is going to turn out. As it stands right now, I feel like I'm dragging this out too much, or something. I mean… look, it's chapter 18! And yet we're still on chapter 13 of Broken Pride. I suppose that's not that bad, but… it kind of annoys me. Anyway, I hope everyone enjoys this chapter! Let me know what you think.

Disclaimer: I don't own Death Note or any of the characters used in this story!

Chapter 18: The Nightmare

I wasn't sure how long I sat there. I was beginning to feel a bit… creepy, by my own actions. Here I was, sitting beside Near's bed without him even knowing it, and simply memorizing everything I could about him.

The way he looked so peaceful when he slept.

The way his hand, which held onto the white sheet around him, clenched every few moments.

It didn't matter how long I watched him… there was always something else that intrigued me about him. Maybe if the two of us had a better relationship between us, I would tell him just that.

I felt like I would tell him anything I could just to show him how wrong he was about the image he had imprinted in his mind about himself. I didn't know why… but I knew I would do it if given the chance.

Especially now. It was a shame he couldn't hear me when he was asleep. I felt like there was nothing in me that I wanted to hide from him anymore.

It was odd… I wasn't even trying to figure out why I was like this anymore. It just didn't seem to matter so much. If it helped him, in any way, then why should I _not_ do it simply because I don't understand it?

All of a sudden I noticed the way his features began to contort into a look of pain. His brow creased, hands clenched onto the sheets and he turned as if to move away.

Yeah, Near had nightmares –almost every night, at that. And it was to be expected. But after watching him for so long I'd begun to understand, and register the way Near was when it came to these nightmares.

He had them every night –and that was painfully evident in the way his hands would clench, or every once and a while he would look like he was in pain. But other than that… there was nothing.

It was almost as if he was still trying to hide it all from the outside world –even now, in his sleep.

But he couldn't hide it all, that much was sure. I knew not to make any action, or wake him up every time he showed those little signs. After all, if I did it'd end up being every single hour of the night.

It was instances like this –where he moved, made outward noises, things of that nature- when I knew it was time to wake him up, or at least make any effort I could to stop the nightmare.

It was at those times when I knew it really got to him. He would wake up with tears in the corner of his fearful eyes and actions that showed he was trying to grasp onto the reality as much as he could. I hated those times more than most things, and I wasn't sure why.

I moved to lean over the bed a bit more and shook his arm, "Near." I said quietly as he whimpered a bit at my touch. I knew I had to stop this before it escalated.

He didn't even seem to notice me anymore than the whimper. He was trying to move away, and the look upon him intensified till I thought maybe _I_ was actually hurting him.

I shook him again, this time a bit harder to try and jolt him out of that state. "Near!" I tried to control my voice to not let my worry get a hold over me. It was still night out…everything was still silent, which meant that every little sound we made would be intensified just that much more.

I didn't want to risk anyone waking up and coming to see what was going on.

But again my actions didn't seem to get to him at all.

I watched as his body began to shake a bit and his lips parted, letting out a more pronounced cry of pain. It was escalating! L had Near in his dreams and I couldn't cut through it!

"God damn it, Near!" I moved on the bed till I was over him and tried to hold him still -his shaking always scared me. "Wake up!" Why couldn't he hear me?

He cried out in pain again, but a moment after that, legitimate words spilled out from between his lips. "No, L!"

His words gripped me. I knew it was happening, but it was a bit of a slap of reality to hear him say such a thing. Made up images of what could _possibly_ be going on in his mind shook my solid frame. If it did that to me, I could only imagine what it always did to someone like Near.

"Near! Wake up!" I said again, shaking him a bit more.

He cried out, but it was louder this time. Instantly, I slapped a hand over his mouth to silence him. No… let him scream if he wants to. So long as it's dulled like this then it shouldn't matter so much.

But that as well as everything I was doing wasn't going to work. This was bad, and I knew it well. I had to do something… something else… I had to think!

When Near was silent for a moment I pulled my hand back. He was still shaking, and small cries of pain escaped him every few seconds. What the hell was L doing now in his nightmare?

I tried not to think about it too much.

All of a sudden, when another loud cry of pain escaped him, I could no longer control myself. Instincts that screamed to wake him up and free him of that damn torturous prison took over, and I did the only thing I could think of.

"Damn it, Near!" My hand drew back and before I could register what was going on, I slapped him hard across the face.

Everything was silent after that moment. The chaos that I felt had taken over this room for God only knows how long suddenly subsided.

But my heart suddenly dropped out of my chest when I observed Near as he was below me now.

His eyes were open –wide with fear.

They weren't slipping open, or having just finished open. They'd already been open. He'd… he'd been awake when I slapped him. _'Oh God…'_ I thought painfully to myself.

The actions that happened next were so quick I couldn't grab onto them. Instantly Near moved away from me, drawing himself into a sort of ball against the headboard of his bed –as he seemed to think it was the furthest space he could put between us.

His head dipped down as if he was trying to protect himself, but I could still hear his words, "Don't touch me! Please, don't." The plead in his voice nearly broke me. I…hadn't meant…

But my words took over as I felt my heart racing in my chest and my mind screaming at me to fix this quick. "Shit!" I scolded myself, "Near, you wouldn't wake up, sorry." I tried to convey as quickly as I could.

He only drew more into himself, "So you hit me?"

"You were screaming!" I said, "I was ready to do anything to shut you up again before anyone woke up." I tried to explain, though knowing my choice of words was probably not the best.

He was silent, and didn't make any movements.

I could only watch painfully at him as he was now. He was shaking again, but I wasn't sure if he knew he was doing it now. It was horrible for me to have to see.

I wanted to make it better. This felt like my chance to say anything I could to help him. But he looked so closed off at this moment that I wasn't sure it would really do anything anymore.

Had I just accidentally cut any trust ties we'd previously had?

God… I hoped not. Even so, I still had to try and fix it.

"You want me to apologize again?" I asked carefully and quietly. "I'm sorry, alright?" I continued anyway. "Would you rather Roger or anyone else come banging down your door, first wondering why you were screaming, and then wondering why I'm in here?"

"Why _are_ you in here?" He asked.

I almost had to cringe at that. His question meant that my words from before hadn't been heard. I wasn't sure if that was really such a bad thing, though.

In any case, I knew my answer would be natural enough. "Doing what I normally do." I stated, and knowing as I said it that it wasn't a lie. I was doing what I always did. And thank God I was. If I had waited till tomorrow… who knew what would have happened when he had that nightmare.

"You were mad at me earlier." He stated.

"Whatever." I said simply. I really didn't feel like trying to explain to him the complexities of my mind, and everything that I had been thinking earlier.

After that we were silent again. Though, this silence was painful. It felt as though all the previous words had done nothing to fix things. We were still living in two separate worlds –and it felt to me like they would only get further away if I left it as it was.

I had to say something… anything.

"Another nightmare?" I asked.

He simply nodded.

I swallowed and dared to go on, "Tell me about it."

"You already know what it's about." He said, defensively. I knew that not only was he saying it so I wouldn't have to know, but also so he wouldn't have to relive it. I completely understood why he was being this way, now.

But I had to pry. I _had_ to. It was doing him no good to just remain silent and deal with it all. "I want to hear you tell me, Near." I said.

He was silent for a long moment, but then his head rose till his eyes met mine –and in that moment I knew he was reading my every feature for something. What was it?

Honesty?

Interest?

_What?_ What did I have to show him to show him that he could trust me?

He sighed, and it looked like he suddenly seemed to understand why I was doing this. I prayed that I was right. I wanted him to tell me so badly. _'You can't be strong all the time, Near._' I told him mentally. _'You have to crack at some point. If you don't… you'll never heal. Trust me to be that one person you can tell. You can be weak in front of me, Near. I don't care.'_ God… how I wish I could tell him that in person.

Finally, he began to speak and I could feel my heart pounding as I waited. "I…" He paused. "I was paralyzed in place in a hotel room quite similar to the ones L would normally reside in. L was behind me, I could feel his hands exploring over my stomach and my chest while he began to question me on some case; he wanted to know what I thought on it." I noticed the way he seemed to look disgusted by it all.

I stayed quiet and instead let him continue. "I didn't know what he was talking about so I told him that. He bit me hard on the neck as punishment." Again with the disgusted look.

"When he assumed I had forgotten, I was thrown rather violently to the mattress in front of me. He ripped open my shirt and this time his nails dug into my skin as his hands then roamed."

He paused once again, but I didn't say a thing. His eyes were pointed away from me, as though he was ashamed to even look at me now.

After another moment he continued. "I begged him to stop but he stopped my attempts with a violent kiss that left me suffocating while his hands moved… further on." He was hating this –having to admit it all. But I had to try and tell myself that this would be worth it for him.

"He… told me not to try controlling him; I tried begging again as he continued on. There was so much pain from it. He didn't care though, he commenced in telling me that no one is ever going to want me and how I would be his." He swallowed hard. "And then after a few moments of this severe pain and his continued words I got the ability to close my eyes again. And when I reopened them, I had woken up." He finally finished.

It was hard for me to find anything to say back to him. I tried hard not to imagine everything he was telling me… but somehow the images made it into my mind anyway.

I had to do something. Near was hurting because of this, and I could see it in his dark eyes when they finally turned back to me. I finally exhaled and asked, "Near, do you trust me?"

After a long moment he nodded. I was relieved for that.

"Then just trust me now, I'm not going to hurt you." I fought out a half-hearted chuckle. "If I really wanted to I would have done it earlier."

He was silent, and I fought back all of my second-guessing thoughts. I had to do this… I had to. I knew it would help him in some way. Not only that, but I really wanted to for some reason.

I knew I would never be able to find the right thing to say back about his nightmare, so maybe this would help me think of something.

"Come here." I ushered him, trying as hard as I could to show him that I had no other motives behind the actions other than to try and help him.

Predictably, he only moved closer to the headboard and I knew he'd just gone on the defensive. Well… of course it couldn't be that easy. Sure, he said he trusted me, but I'd just slapped him earlier, of course he'd be wary.

"You said you trusted me, Near, I won't hurt you." I promised.

He continued to watch me hesitantly, and for a moment I thought that this might just be a lost cause. But then, he began loosening his hold around himself and moved just a bit closer to me –the whole time his eyes darting around me.

"Can I touch you?" I asked, not wanting to be impulsive in this moment. I wanted to show him that I _could_ control my actions and that I knew the situation I was dealing with.

He finally nodded.

Even with the okay, I knew I was nervous. This was a very delicate situation we were dealing with and I didn't want to fuck it up anyway.

Hesitantly I moved just a bit closer to him till I could wrap my arms around his thin middle and move him closer to me. I pulled him into my lap and held him there for what felt like a lifetime before I finally felt his own arms hesitantly wrap around me, and his head rest against my shoulder.

"Mello…" He trailed off, and I didn't even try to understand what he was going to say next.

"I'll make you believe me, Near." I told him. "Believe that I have everything under control and that nothing will happen. I'd kill L before I let him touch you again. I'm sorry that happened; if I could, I'd go back and make sure it didn't, or at least see the signs beforehand."

I felt him move closer to me, but I wasn't sure what it meant.

"I'll be here for anything you want to tell me. It'll help you not have to keep that all locked away." I stated.

We were quiet for a long few moments, and I was finally content with the silence. If Near wanted to stay silent, then I would be completely fine with that. He had so much to sort out that it would be understandable.

But after a few minutes, I felt something wet against me through the fabric of my black shirt. The only place that could come from was…

"Near, are you crying?" I asked, unable to hold back the disbelief in my voice.

"I am so sorry." He said back in a tone that sounded like it was breaking. It hurt but I didn't say anything, and instead let him continue. "I can't speak of everything that happened now, since it's too painful for words. But… I would very much like to break for just a single moment."

I wasn't sure what to say back, it was astounding to hear Near like this now. Finally, I said, "I get it, go ahead." It sounded stupid… but it seemed to work.

His crying was light. Not heavy sobs, just tears and a few choked breaths. But that was expected. That was just the type of person Near was. My grip over him tightened, to show him that I was there… that I wasn't going to let him go.

I wasn't even sure if I could, now.

"Tell me," He suddenly said, "Why this method? You hate me, Mello." I had to wonder why he was asking this now… of all times. Though, it didn't really matter.

"I don't know how true that is anymore." I said honestly. "In this whole time I've seen you so differently than before. I've never seen you so… so…" What the hell was the right word?

"So what, Mello?" He asked.

Ah, there it was. The perfect word. The word that showed just how opposite he seemed to me now than ever before. "So human."

A/N: It's amazing. The science between these two's relationships is very easy to see in this story. Reading one, Near's take on it, then Mello's take on it, you can really see how completely different their views are, yet still somehow the same. It's really interesting, to me. Heh, sorry, I started thinking about that as I was writing this. In any case, I think it turned out pretty well. Your thoughts?

Please review!  
_-Forbiddensoul562_


	19. Morning Realizations

A/N: Well… because of certain events that have been going on, I'd like to like to thank xxgirltalk for all the reviews she's been leaving on my work. I wish I could reply to your reviews and thank you that way, as well as answer your questions and stuff. But because you don't have an account, I feel this was the only way I could address that. Well… anyway, thank you! Now, onto the chapter.

Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note or any of the characters that are used in this story.

Chapter 19: Morning Realizations

You know that feeling that you get when you're there when someone who is in pain… and yet you feel completely useless to do anything? Like there's nothing more you can do, no matter how hard you try?

Yeah… that's about how I felt right now.

Near was very quiet after our previous exchange of words. The only sound that broke the silence of his room was of his soft sobs. It broke my heart, and yet I knew I couldn't do anything more for him.

I understood it, this was something Near could only fix on his own right now. I couldn't put the pieces of his stability back together _for _him. Things just… didn't work that way.

But… I knew that if I could, then I would.

I held him tight for a long time that night. Nothing else needed to be said. And if there was anything that _did_ need saying… it was somehow conveyed through the silence.

However, I couldn't help but feel as though there was a wall between us even still.

Near was fixing himself right now. And I understood that –and I was glad for it. But I didn't feel like I'd done… or was doing anything to help that. I felt utterly useless as I held him close to me.

My head rested on his shoulder, finally, and I closed my eyes –simply listening to him.

His heart beat echoed in my ears, and he was so close to me now I could feel the beat of it in his chest. Then, his soft, even breaths somehow reached my ears, and in that moment I could only think one thing. _'God, he feels so human right now.'_

However, I tried to not let that thought get to me right now. By the way he was breathing, I knew Near had fallen asleep again.

Carefully, as to not wake him, or even disturb him if I could help it, I pulled him back from where he'd been leaning against me –as if in that moment I was his safety and his security, like I was that one stable thing he could rest around. And, who knows, maybe he did think that.

I gently rest his sleeping form back down against his bed and drew the sheets up over him so he wouldn't get cold. He looked so flawless and perfect again now –in that way that I only saw when he slept.

Brushing back the pale locks of his hair out of his sleeping face, I then moved back to where I had been before this whole thing began –in the normal position I usually slept in beside his bed.

I looked towards him for once as I rest my head down against the mattress. For some reason I simply couldn't seem to draw my eyes away from him at this moment.

I hadn't realized I was so sleepy until this moment. All the adrenalin from the previous actions during his nightmare, and the fear afterwards had finally ceased, and had been replaced with simple drowse.

I yawned as my eyes continued to watch him for another minute longer. Then, I let them slip closed. As I began to drift off to sleep I could only hope that he wouldn't have another nightmare tonight.

He'd already gone through enough for that.

-

The next thing I knew, I felt someone pushing against me –enticing me to wake up.

At first, I thought it might be Matt trying to wake me up, so I didn't move at all –knowing how he would get frustrated after a while and just leave me alone –thus allowing me to go back to sleep again.

But at the quiet, and somewhat hesitant utterance of my name, I realized that it was Near who was trying to wake me up –and that I was in his room still, instead of mine, which I had somehow thought I might be in.

Finally, my eyes slipped open and found him. "Hm?" I asked simply.

Without saying a word, Near's fingers took hold of my black sleeve and began tugging me closer to him. I was confused, so I didn't move as he was enticing me to. What was it he wanted? I sort of wanted to figure that out before I moved.

However, he didn't offer me anything that could have figured this whole thing out. The only thing on him that seemed to change was a small, growing look in his eyes that spelled out 'rejection'.

But I didn't want him to think that. After all, I wasn't rejecting him, I was simply curious about what he was doing.

But finally I allowed myself to move, and let him direct what he wanted me to do.

He pulled me closer to him, and unexpectedly down on the bed with him. I tensed, wondering what he was doing, and _why_ he was doing it.

"Near?" I asked carefully as I lay on my back.

He didn't say anything –but instead curled up at my side and let his eyes close again. I didn't understand. Did he still want my closeness even now? Even after the night has finally ended?

Needless to say, I hadn't been expecting this.

But, if this is what he wanted, then I would indulge him. I hesitantly wrapped my arm that was closest to him around him and let my hand rest on his side. He didn't move, or flinch, like he normally did when he came across physical contact. So that was a good sign.

Finally, I couldn't take this any longer. I wanted so badly to know why he was doing this. "Near?" I finally asked, simply, trying to limit the number of words I said.

"You comfort me." He said in his quiet voice.

I tensed instinctively, beside him, unable to help my wonder of what that might mean. I comforted him? I guess that was a good thing. But… what made him say it now?

However, when I looked down at him again I noticed the way he'd tensed as well into a sort of ball, maybe he'd even done it unconsciously. I understood. He probably took my impulse action the wrong way.

I scolded myself knowing that I should have held better control over the way I took that.

Finally, I forced myself to relax again, and let the hand that was gently resting on his side begin to draw different patterns. Hopefully it was enough to convince him that things were fine, that what he said didn't bother me.

"Please don't tell anyone about last night." He said suddenly.

I scoffed instantly, "As if I would."

He was quiet for a long moment before quietly muttering, "Thanks." In a voice that was near a whisper.

"For what?" I asked before I could stop myself. When he didn't answer, I figured it was either thanking me for last night, or for this. It didn't matter either way. "Oh, whatever." I said simply; finding it to be the easy answer.

Suddenly, and without thinking, I turned myself on my side till I could look at him better. I felt like I wanted to observe him, now, and see what he would do.

And, surprisingly, he didn't seem to falter under my stare. It was interesting, really. Maybe things _were_ actually having an effect on him.

"No more nightmares?" I asked, though unsure of where the question had actually come from.

"No." He answered quietly; this made me feel better.

I smiled, partly to show that I was happy about that, and partly because of the thoughts on my mind about it. "Good, then it helped." I stated, referring back to the tactics I'd used the previous night.

He quietly nodded, but then his dark eyes moved down to the space between us. I wondered what he could be thinking about. Maybe he was reflecting on what'd happened the previous night? I wasn't sure, but whatever it was it looked like it couldn't be anything good.

I had to find a way to distract him.

"We should get up now before anyone comes looking for you." I said. But I really didn't want to move. Somehow, I was comfortable just how we were. I didn't want to break from this and go back to the cold, distant ways that we had to be outside of these walls.

He shook his head as his only response. I would have continued, and insisted that that would be the best thing. But I saw the way his eyes almost looked pleading down to the mattress. He didn't want to move, and neither did I. So who was I to force him? To force us.

In that moment, I gave up all my attempts.

-

Near and I lay there for God only knows how long. I continued the movements I'd been doing against his side, and for some reason I simply couldn't trail my eyes away from him.

I watched the way he continued to look away from me, and the way he would fall into and out of sleep. There was a sense of innocence to him now that I simply couldn't place.

All of a sudden, though, there was a light knock on his door. I instantly became alert, and I could feel the way Near tensed beside me.

Without a word to him, I moved off of the bed, to the opposite side that I always sat beside, and sat in such a way that I knew I wouldn't be seen from the door. My heart was racing, and pounding so hard in my chest that I could hear it now in my ears.

I felt the bed move as Near sat up. "Yes?" He said, naturally.

The door opened, and this felt like the moment of truth. "Good morning, Near." Came the quiet voice that I knew oh too damn well.

'_Dammit!_' I thought to myself. _'Roger!'_ I could only wonder what would happen if _he_ was the one who found me now.

"Good morning, Roger." Near said, still as natural as ever. I should have figured he wouldn't let anything show. He was, of course, the master at hiding everything away from the outside world.

"Everyone's getting their medical examination today so be sure to stay where we can find you later this afternoon, alright?" He said. I prayed that the moment Near responded to him he could leave.

Just Roger saying that, reminding me of those damn examinations we were forced through every two months, it just gave me another thing that I would have to find a way around. In any case, I tried not to think too much about it at the moment.

"Oh, Near." Roger started again suddenly. "Have you seen Mello today? No one can seem to find him." Damn him… of course no one would bother Near, but that bastard always had to know where _I_ was every moment of the day.

"No, I haven't Roger. Have you checked outside, or spoken to Matt yet?" Good, Near, give him some options to try to buy me a little time.

"I haven't, I'll do that." I waited until I hear the door finally click closed.

Instantly, the moment I heard it, I shot up from where I had been on the floor beside the bed. My mouth opened to begin speaking, but I spotted Near place his finger over his lips to keep me silent.

I watched him as his eyes moved over to the door –just focusing.

Finally, I understood why he'd kept me quiet as I heard Roger's shoes click against the wood floor as he walked away. Hm… so he was skeptical. At least Near'd caught on to it.

The moment Near let his finger fall, I took advantage of the ability to speak again. "Those damn examinations again?" I asked, irritated. "I hate those things; all they ever do is just poke and prod with cold instruments. It's stupid."

Near nodded and I stood up to begin moving towards the door. "Come on, better get down there before Roger comes back." I really just wanted to be seen by some people so Near wouldn't look just that much more suspicious.

"I'll meet you down there." His quiet voice caught me, and the realization hit me then. I turned as he continued, "I'd like to shower first."

My eyes continued to scan over him. He looked so small sitting on his bed, hands held still in his lap, his eyes moving around and searching for a place to rest in his room.

Poor kid… he had to be nervous. I had to wonder if this was the first examination he would go through since all of this started. He knew what those things consisted of, and I'm sure the thought scared him.

I finally nodded, then turned and continued out of the room, despite how much I didn't really want to.

I knew I needed to find a way around this.

A/N: So, I was originally going to continue and do all of the examination part, but I figured that this was long enough for this chapter. I'm going to start on the next part of it immediately and see what happens. I have high expectations for it. In any case, let me know what you think. I know this chapter was a bit pointless, I guess, but the next will be better!

Please review!  
_-Forbiddensoul562_


	20. Damn Examinations

A/N: Well… I'm surprised that I'm getting this chapter out as quickly as I am, but I promised someone that I would get this out today. I'm still unsure of what exactly I'm going to be putting in this chapter… but we'll see how it turns out. Thanks to the people that have been reviewing!

Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note or any of the characters used in this story.

Chapter 20: Damn Examinations

I really hate it when I don't know what to do. It just feels as though I don't have control over the things going on around me. Especially _now!_

Near was always so damn good at manipulating things to go the way that he wanted. But I could never seem to crack the science behind it in order to make it work in my favor. There just always seemed to be something about it that I just couldn't get right.

That was my disadvantage now. The thing I needed the most was to be in control of the situations around me, and be able to change them to suit not only myself, but Near as well. But for some reason it was evading me.

He was always so closed off… it was hard for me to determine just how easy it would be for someone to crack him. Though, I wasn't about to risk that with these current examinations. My mind continued to play out horrible images of what could happen there.

It killed me to know that I couldn't go there with him and help him through it. That would be too suspicious, of course.

Thus, I had to find a way to try and change this around some way.

But _how!_

The first thing I did was go back to my room. I had to see Matt and see what he thought about all of this. Perhaps he could help me think. Sure, that gamer doesn't know exactly what's going on between myself and Near, but he wasn't brain-dead. He knew _something_ was happening.

That would definitely be enough to entice him to help.

I burst through the door into the room, seeing in the corner of my eyes that Matt was lying on his bed playing one of his games. I tried not to look over to him in order to give off the look that I was in deep thought.

Well… I really was, but I needed him to ask about it.

"Roger's looking for you." Was all he said, though, and didn't even bother to look up from his game.

"I don't care." I said honestly as I flopped down on my back on my bed and starred up to the ceiling. I began to wonder how exactly I could get Matt to question what was going on. I didn't want to just come right out and ask for his help in this.

"Something happen with Near?" He asked, again not even bothering to look at me. I guess this just happened so regularly that he'd come to know to ask such a question. Good for him. At least he knew me.

"No." I said. But I wasn't sure how completely true that was. I mean… what was last night? Didn't something happen between us then? What was it? Why did I feel so completely different now that I was away from Near?

"Then what is it, Mels?" Matt asked, and finally I could feel his eyes look over to me.

I sighed, where to go now. Yeah, I'd wanted him to ask, but I really wasn't sure of how to word this. There had to be a right way… but I couldn't quite find it.

"These… damn examinations." I finally said vaguely, letting him draw whatever conclusions he wanted from it.

I looked over in time to watch him shrug. "They're only on the 'B' names right now, so you've got enough time." He said, just as vaguely. However, I got the idea from it.

He thought _I_ was the one who didn't want to go to the examinations. Well… that was good enough. "You really think Roger would let us off from that? He's pretty anal about everyone getting checked." I said, folding my arms behind my head.

"Yeah, I don't think you'd be able to get out of that." He grinned a bit, "You being the vandal you are, after all. Roger would _make sure_ you went." Yeah… he had a point. That old man watched me like a hawk.

Couldn't say I blamed him, though.

"Well…" I decided, "That just means I'll have to try even harder to get out of it." I looked over to him with a deviant smirk crossing my face. I really did like mischief, it made things _so_ much more interesting.

I got up suddenly from my bed, "Come on, Matt, let's go." I said, already heading for the door.

Matt put the game down, but didn't move, "Hey, why do I have to go?" He asked, his goggled eyes following me in wonder.

"Because, if you want to stay here and play your precious games all day, then you need to help me find a way out of this. That way _you_ can get out of it to." I explained, opening the door and beginning out.

Matt grumbled and reluctantly followed anyway. He knew I had a point. "So where are we starting now?" He asked, catching up to walk beside me.

"Well let's go see what they're doing in those examinations now. I kind of want to know." I explained. If it wasn't anything _too_ bad then I knew Near might be able to deal with it.

I really didn't want to risk it, but if there was nothing that we could do to get him out of it… well then… I at least wanted to know what they'd put him through before that time came.

Matt followed me downstairs and to the hallway where the infirmary was. There was no one there at this moment, and through the silence of the area I could hear the people in the clinic room talking.

I hushed Matt, though it was hardly necessary and then we pushed our ears to the door –trying to listen to whatever the doctor and the patient inside were saying.

"Alright," Came the male voice of the doctor, "Come over here and we'll check your weight."

Matt's eyes flicked over to me. "Oh yeah, Mello, that's _so _bad."

I glared at him before looking back to the wood door as I tried to listen better. But this wasn't getting us anywhere fast, and I couldn't quite see how far they were going with this. I needed to know more!

I looked back to Matt, "The room's split in two, come on, let's go inside and get a better look." I said, already beginning to grab for the door handle.

But suddenly Matt's hand caught mine. "Are you crazy, Mello? No way! We'll get caught for sure!" He said, eyes drilling into mine and holding me so I couldn't move anymore.

I had to find a way to get to him, first. If he didn't want to follow me into this after that, well then I would just have to go alone. I didn't really care; I just needed to know. I just wanted to have Matt there because he helped give me the confidence to do stupid shit like this. "Oh come on, Matt," I tried, "Think of it this way, in the best case scenario you'll get to see one of the _girls_." I said suggestively.

He rolled his eyes, "Whatever, if we get caught-." He cut himself off, though. "Let's just get this over with."

That was good enough to me. Whether or not he really wanted to go, I didn't care. So long as he was _going_ to go and I wouldn't have to force him, then that was good.

I stood up from where we'd been kneeling by the door and peered through one of the higher windows that looked into the infirmary. As expected, it was practically empty –though I could see the two shadows that were the doctor and current patient.

"It's clear, Matt, let's go." I said in a whisper.

I silently opened the door and looked inside, making sure once again that there was no one around before I opened it more enough for us to slip inside.

Matt simply followed me into the sterile smelling, white room, looking around to make sure for himself that no one was around. We moved around till we could hide behind the desks, or the beds or anything like that to conceal that we were there.

I heard the two talking, but I couldn't quite pick out exactly who it was that was being examined now.

Thus, I decided it would be best to take a better look and see.

Cautiously, I went to the sheet that was separating one side of the room from the other. Surprising, even, I felt Matt come up and kneel lower so we could both look around.

I just caught sight of a bare, curve back with skin that was creamy white, long brown hair that flowed naturally loose…. And then a circular face turning to me, the dark eyes locking with me before a piercing scream broke through the air.

"Mello! Matt!" Came the girly scream that somehow seems so familiar. "Get the hell out!"

Suddenly, Matt pulled my black shirt and dragged me out of the infirmary before I could even register it. He continuing pulling me quickly before the doctor could follow and find us.

"That was not worth it!" Matt said seriously without looking back at me. "What the hell was the point of that? We're going to get in trouble from Roger now for sure!"

But that wasn't what I could think of at the moment. "Who was that, Matt?" I asked, trying to get an idea of how far into the order they were.

"I don't know, what does it matter, Mello?" He asked, pulling me towards the common room where I was sure he was going to try and blend in with the other orphans there.

But I had to suddenly make him stop, "Matt!" I needed to know. Now.

He looked back at me seriously, and finally after a long minute he said, "I don't know, Mello. It looked like Hannah." He said.

'_Hannah…_' I thought to myself. _'Damn! They're already further in the list than I thought!'_ I turned from Matt and began down a new hallway now. This was the only other option that I could think of.

"Mello! What are you doing now?" Matt asked, obviously annoyed.

"I'm going to talk to Roger. Maybe he can do something about this." I said as I headed straight for his office. I didn't care at this moment why Roger had been looking for me earlier. This was my last shot and I had to do it.

I burst through the office doors, thankfully finding Roger sitting behind his desk looking down at a number of files. He looked up at me, "Ah, Mello, I've been meaning to-."

"Save it, Roger." I said, needing to instantly take control of the situation. I didn't feel like I had too much time left, and thus needed to see if it was possible for one to get out of these things.

I was beginning to have a sinking feeling that it wouldn't be possible. But I still had to try.

"These damn examinations today," I began. There was adrenalin shooting through my body now and I wasn't feeling too in control of myself at the moment. Because of this, I tried to stay far away from him so I didn't lash out. "Do we _really_ have to go to them? Seriously, Roger, every two months is just too precautious."

Roger intertwined his hands together and his worn eyes watched me through the lenses of his glasses. I could see he was trying to figure out why exactly I was asking about this. I'd never put up a fight with them before, so why now?

He didn't need to know, and I knew that telling him wasn't even an option.

"Yes, Mello, you are required to go to it even if it _is_ precautious. It's safer than nothing at all. Why are you asking?" He asked, trying to pry into my reasons.

And, I had to admit, maybe telling him about Near's situation _would_ change things, and make it easier for him to understand why one would need to be out of it. But I'd promised Near that I wasn't going to say anything about it to anyone. And I was not going to break it now.

"Come on, Roger, be reasonable, here. I feel fine. Can't I just skip out on this, this time? Seriously, it's not going to do anything." I pushed.

He shook his head without taking his eyes away from mine. "No, Mello. Everyone is having their examination today, and I am seeing over each person's files after Dr. Addison sees them. I had better see yours on my desk by the end of the day, Mello. Any orphan who's I don't see, we'll be sure to see tomorrow."

"This is pointless!" I said, "I'm feeling fine!"

"Well then Dr. Addison shall make sure of that and log it down, Mello." He said, looking down at the papers again as if to say that he was done with my arguments.

'_One of the kids here isn't going to be able to deal with this damn examination, and yet you still want to make him go through with it. Even if it means destroying the work I've done.' _I thought bitterly to myself.

But I bit my tongue to keep from saying any of that. But as I turned to leave, I couldn't help it anymore. "You sick bastard." I said almost under my breath. Fortunately, the old man didn't have good enough hearing to catch my words.

I left from Roger's office, still trying to figure out what I was going to do.

A/N: Well… I don't know, the ending didn't really come out the way I wanted. In all honesty, I was going to make it longer –to the point where Mello tells Near to go in for his own examination, but I just couldn't bring myself to write it. This already felt too long as it is. Though, the one scene with the infirmary _totally_ seems like something he and Matt would have gotten caught for more than once. Lol! Anyway, let me know what you think!

Please review!  
_-Forbiddensoul562_


	21. The Fall

A/N: Happy fourth of July, people! The day of our [America's] independence! I figured that I'd upload this, since today is a holiday. But, unfortunately these last few days have been pretty hard. I got into a fight with one of my best friends so I've been pretty drained of all the energy I once had. However, I'm trying to get it back with writing this. So, hopefully it comes out alright.

Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note or any of the characters used in this story.

Chapter 21: The Fall

I knew it… There was just nothing I could have done to prevent this from happening. Roger and his damn examinations! I just… couldn't find any other way that could successfully get Near out of them.

And I'd wanted to so bad.

I went to my own, painfully, knowing that after I was done, it would be Near's turn. I tried to make it last a while by prolonging my time in the infirmary with that doctor. I was stubborn about doing things, and asked him all sorts of stupid questions.

All in the hope that _maybe_ I could delay it so long that he would have to leave for the day.

But that idea was absurd, and as I listened to him answer my questions I knew it was never going to work. It was still the middle of the day. I would have to prolong him for… I don't know, five or six hours to even _begin_ to get somewhere.

And finally the exam came to a close. And I left the infirmary only to tell Near that he was next. It was hard to believe… that _I _was the one sending him to such a hell. And as he walked by me, he didn't even seem to falter in the slightest.

He knew there was nothing that could be done. And thus was simply putting back on his façade and facing what was happening. I had to give him credit for being able to do that so easily.

However, with me, it was not quite the same.

Matt and I were in the common room, and the entire time that Near wasn't there, I could feel myself going crazy.

What could possibly be happening in there? Maybe my examination would be different from his. I considered going and trying to sneak in again, or at least listening through the door. But I knew that if I was caught that would look way too suspicious.

So I forced myself to sit still, and just wait. Which is always hard for a person with no patience to speak of.

However, something suddenly caught my eye, and I looked up –towards the opening of the common room.

And there, I watched as Near and that doctor walked down the hall. Near's eyes were pointed down and he looked so… not there. As if his body was following, but his mind was somewhere else completely.

I wonder why he was like this. Where they were going. _Why_ they were going there to do it.

I forced myself to walk over to the doorway, pulling out a bar of chocolate and bite into it. Partially to help calm me down, and also to help make my actions look as realistic as possible. "Near." I said; instantly getting his attention. "The hell is going on?"

He looked up at me and stopped in place, but he didn't say a word. His eyes were blank, but somewhere behind them I could see that he was trying to plan something. Maybe… trying to find a way to convey the answer I wanted to know.

"I have to go see Roger." He said in that normal, monotone voice.

My look turned to confusion as I asked, "Why?" _'What happened?'_ I thought to myself. There could be any number of things that could have caused this. But only one stuck out most in my mind. _'Did… you tell him, Near?'_

But I already knew the answer to that. Near wasn't dumb enough to do something like that. He knew how to hide his reality –even if his body didn't comply sometimes, what with the shaking and what not.

So it had to be something else.

I watched as his eyes moved downwards, and in that moment I knew he was trying to show me something. Something to alert me. Something that he couldn't dare say aloud. I followed the look even when I felt his eyes move back to watch me. His left hand moved to his right arm –beginning to scratch at his arm. However, I could see his hand shaking, and the way his nails hardly even touched his arm.

'_What are you saying?'_ I wondered, as the doctor called his name and they began walking again.

I could only stand there and wonder at what Near had meant. What was with his actions? I looked down at my chocolate bar after taking another bite as I began to think about it. _'What could that possibly…'_ My thoughts trailed off as I suddenly understood what Near had been trying to tell me.

His arms!

I remembered back to the first day that this had all started. Near had shown me the self-inflicted laceration that he had on his arms! And that's when I realized, the doctor must have had him remove his shirt, and had spotted the cuts and was now taking him to Roger to confront him about the situation!

My heart instantly began to race. What was I going to do? I couldn't let Near take the fall. Even if it _was_ his fault that he had them, it… really wasn't. If they understood the situation they would see the truth.

But I couldn't even think of that. That wasn't even an option.

Without thinking, I began to follow after them –heading towards Roger's office. I wasn't sure what I was going to do when I got there, or even how I was going to do it. This was a delicate situation.

No matter what happened, they couldn't be convinced that Near had done this to himself. If they did, they could opt to take him to some kind of mental hospital. And I knew instantly that Near would never be able to deal with a place like that.

The door was closed when I got there. And just standing in the hall all I could hear was silence. I moved closer till I could lightly press my ear to the door. I needed to listen and to hear how Near dealt with this. If he could get it under control, then there would be no need for my interjection.

I listened to the doctor and Roger talk for a while. The doctor pressed his side of the story, as if trying to persuade the old man into thinking what he wanted him to believe. Thankfully, I knew that Roger was smarter than that, and wouldn't take it so simply.

Then, after being instructed by Roger to tell his side of the story, I listened carefully as Near began to speak –his voice horribly quiet. "What he is saying is a lie." He started. "I merely fell onto some broken glass, as I told Dr. Addison before."

'_Not bad.'_ I thought to him. _'But it won't convince them so easily.'_

"Where was this broken glass?" I heard the doctor ask, as though he was trying to interrogate Near. I knew, based on how well I knew Near, that this would put him on edge. Near didn't like having people think they were better, or higher power, than he was. He'd instantly want to shut him down and reinstate his position.

However, I wasn't sure if that would work in his favor this time. It would just make him sound like he was being defensive.

"Are you covering up something, Near?" Came Roger's voice not too long after the doctor had spoken. I wondered what Near was thinking now. Was he weighing his options? Or still trying to formulate his lie? It was hard, not being able to see those grey eyes work.

"It was in my science class." He said. "I fell while carrying some glass beakers and when they broke, I fell onto the pieces. And no, Roger," He added, "I'm not trying to cover anything up.

"So there were witnesses, then?" Dr. Addison asked again. I was really beginning to hate this guy. He was just a simple doctor, brought here to make sure all of us were healthy. If anyone was going to be asking questions, it should be Roger.

"No." He said. "It was after everyone had left."

"Why didn't you go to the clinic, Near?" Roger then asked, and I could hear the suspicion in his voice.

"I knew I could take care of it myself." Near was doing good. But, if Roger was beginning to sound suspicious than the doctor obviously had the upper hand. Neither of them really had any evidence to support their claims, which meant they only had their stories to go off of. Near was a good liar, but at this point, I wasn't sure if it was getting through.

I instantly began to plan. If it came down to it…what could I do? I couldn't just let that doctor win and let them take Near from here.

"This doesn't add up." Roger said quietly.

I felt my heart begin to slam against my chest as silence took over the room. It felt like now was the deciding factor. Like Roger was deciding which person's story he was going to believe. And Near hadn't yet built up a strong enough case for himself. No one had really given him the opportunity.

I had to do something.

As I stood up straight, I realized, it didn't matter what would happen to me. If it got Near out of this bind, then it really didn't matter what Roger would do to me.

Without a second thought, I slammed the door to Roger's office open. My eyes were locked solely on Roger –the man here who would ultimately decide what would happen to Near. My fists clenched as I tried to run through what exactly I would say.

"Mello?" Came Near's quiet voice suddenly. I couldn't help but wonder what he was thinking. Maybe he was mad that I was getting myself involved. But I didn't care, he would thank me later when he realized I'd gotten him out of this.

For right now, though, I needed to be realistic. So I let my anger, and annoyance, take over what I did. "Shut up, Near." I said as I stepped further into the room and slammed the door closed. "Don't say a thing." _'Just let me take care of it.'_

"You idiot have got it all wrong!" I stepped forward so I was in front of Roger's desk.

"Mello, what are you talking about?" Roger asked, and I could clearly see how surprised he was. He probably never thought I would do such a thing. And, quite honestly, neither did I. But I could deal with that thought later.

"What I mean, Roger, is that _I'm_ the one that gave Near those cuts." I stated seriously. I didn't want to give them any reason to doubt me right now.

"You?" The doctor asked, in quite the condescending manner. Maybe if we weren't in Roger's office, I would have let myself hit him once or twice for that.

I looked over at him instantly. "Yeah, me." I said simply, and firmly.

"Mello," Roger's voice drew my attention back to him. "Why are you confessing to this? It's not like you at all." He sounded surprised. Something in his tone said he had been convinced towards the doctor's side of the argument.

My eyes narrowed on him as I quickly figured out my answered. "Because if he gets in trouble for something he didn't do then I won't get to mess with him anymore. I'd get bored if that happened, and God only know what would happen then." I paused to let Roger imagine it.

"Why would you do that?" The doctor asked from the side. He sounded sickened; horribly sickened by the thought that I would hurt someone purposely. I thought about telling him to turn on the news and listened to how many people were murdered every day. Seriously, how could anyone be surprised anymore.

"Mello and Near don't have the best relationship." Roger said, and I watched as his eyes drifted over to where the doctor was.

"I hate him." I said, thinking about all of the times Near had done better than me and letting it fuel my anger to make this more believable. I felt like I believed it, now, too. I wondered if Near did too. I wanted to look over, but I held myself back.

"But why would you… and why did near give us the story with the beakers?" The doctor asked.

"I hate Near." I answered venomously. "I despise him. I threatened him afterwards that if he told anyone I would kill him." It sounded believable enough, and part of me could imagine myself doing it, too.

There was a long silence after that where Roger went into consideration. _'Come on, old man, you know how I am! I get mad and do stupid shit like that! Take the blame off of Near and punish me instead!'_ I urged mentally.

"Is this true, Near?" Roger asked Near.

I couldn't help but look over to him instantly. _'Don't do anything stupid, Near. Let me take the fall for this. You'll get off the hook and be able to do whatever it is you want to. I'll get in trouble, but it's a lot better that way.'_ I hoped that somehow he could hear my thoughts. His eyes were laced with confusion, and some guilt. My heart was still racing, but I could no longer tell if it was because of the adrenalin, or the worry of what Near would say.

Part of me was assured that he would go with what I had said, though. Near went with the facts and never his emotions. He knew that this would solve the problem. It had to be his guilt that was holding him back from just answering.

But, finally, he let out a sigh, and nodded.

Roger was the next one to sigh, this one loud enough to draw everyone's attention back to him. I didn't want to look away, but I had to. I had to see what he was going to do now.

"Alright, Mello, what punishment am I to give you for this one? This is certainly one of the more severe things that you've done." I breathed a sigh of relief. This is what I wanted. I knew I wouldn't get out unpunished, but at least Near was. "If there was any before, there's no doubt now that you and Near just cannot get along."

I looked over to Near –partially to just see what his expression was. But he didn't look back at me this time. The guilt must be getting to him, after all. I never thought I'd see him so… emotionally driven.

"So what am I to do with you?" He folded his hands on the desk and rested his chin on them, then let his eyes close as he began to think it all over. Finally, he spoke again. "Alright, Mello. You will be on severe restriction for the time being. Your free time will be severely limited and in it's place you will be given more work. The number of chocolate bars you are permitted with be cut back, and you are to not be in the same room as Near under any circumstances. Do you understand."

Well…that wasn't so bad. The chocolate limitation definitely was, but I knew I could just steal some more from the kitchen. I had honestly thought Roger would deal out something worse. Perhaps he was feeling merciful with me for coming clean instead of having to track me down.

However, now that I thought about it, I realized that not being in the same room as Near would definitely be a problem as well. What if, at night, he had a nightmare and someone heard? I tried to hold back my shudder at the thought. I'd have to plan something later.

I then nodded in response. "Can I go now?" I asked firmly, wanting to be out of the room so I could gauge the situation and rearrange how I did things.

Roger nodded, and, without looking at Near anymore, I left from the office. I swear, if anyone says I'm selfish again, I'll kill them on the spot.

A/N: That wasn't so bad. This chapter is called 'The Fall' because I can only use two words, but if I had the third it'd be called 'Taking the Fall' I thought it was a good title. Anyway, I think this chapter came out pretty well. Please be sure to let me know what you think, because those are the thoughts that matter to me!

Please review!  
_-Forbiddensoul562_


	22. Wise Words

A/N: I'm not sure why these last couple of chapters have been so hard for me to do. Once I get them started, things are pretty much fine. But it's getting it started that I've been having problems with. Maybe it's because I'm looking forward to those last like… 3 or 4 chapters most, or something. I just don't know. I have way too many projects going as of now. So… honestly, while I enjoy this story, I can't wait for it to be done. If I decide to do the actual sequel, it would definitely take longer than a month for me to get it out. I want to get some more things out of the way. Oh well, enough of my ranting.

Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note or any of the characters in this story.

Chapter 22: Wise Words

I wasn't sure why I was so pissed off when I left Roger's office. I mean… I had _asked_ to be punished for Near's actions. I could have just let him get caught and dealt with accordingly. But I knew he was my responsibility, in a sense, so I had to do it.

So why the hell was I so pissed off about it?

I couldn't be in the same room as Near. That was going to cause some problems later, I was sure. But I would deal with that later. For the moment, I just needed to calm down.

So I grabbed Matt from the common room then headed upstairs to our room. Near would probably want to talk to me about what I did. Knowing him he'd _put_ himself in the same room as me to ask.

Of course, because he was the one who wasn't in trouble –so it didn't mean anything to him if we were caught. Though… if we were caught, it would look highly suspicious. I would probably have to hit him or something just to make it look normal.

Honestly, though, I didn't want Near to question want I did. Not when even _I _didn't understand it. All I knew was that, for some reason, I still wanted Near to be close to me. Maybe it was because of his state? Or because I wasn't sure what he'd do on his own.

Why the hell was he always so damn confusing?

"So… why did you drag me up here, again?" Matt suddenly asked, bringing me back to reality.

My eyes slipped open to look at the ceiling. "Didn't want to be alone up here, I guess." I said without thinking. Hopefully he didn't get the wrong idea from my words.

"Yeah, but why does that have to involve me?" He asked, and I felt him looking over at me now. I wasn't sure what to tell him. Part of me did say I'd brought him so I wouldn't be alone. The other part said I needed to separate myself from Near –and Matt was the perfect way to do that.

When I didn't respond back, I heard Matt sigh. "This has to do with Near, doesn't it?" He asked. Again, I couldn't find the right words to say back. I wasn't sure how to tell him that it did.

I mean… sure, he's my best friend. But I also know that secret that he had from me for so long. Part of me thought that saying anything about Near would just break him more. And I didn't want that. Not after what I'd done to him before.

I sighed. I didn't understand why he liked me in the first place. He deserved so much better than that.

"No." I finally answered. "But I did get in trouble because of him, again." It was true, and I supposed I could use that to explain this. Truth be told, I did want someone to vent to, but I wasn't sure if Matt was the one to do that with.

But I also knew that if I didn't, then I might end up exploding eventually and simply hit something, or someone. That didn't seem like too bad of an idea, either, though.

"Because of him? Are you sure that's what it is?" He asked, as though he knew something more than he should.

I looked over at him. "Of course it is, what else would it be?" I really did want to know what else he might possibly know. Or… what he could be suspecting, in the least.

"Well I don't know." He said, "You don't tell me enough to know anything anymore." He had a good point, there. But I bit my tongue, knowing I _couldn't_ tell him more than what he already knew.

Our eyes locked and I could see just how solemn they looked. He didn't look like my hermit, gamer best friend in that moment. He looked… much more serious, much more mature. I wondered if he'd been holding that all back before now. And, if he had consciously been holding it back, why?

"Look," He started again, making me focus again on his words more than what he looked like. "I know something's going on between you and Near; probably something really important, if it's having this kind of an effect on you."

"What effect?" I asked, barely above a whisper. Again, Matt didn't feel like my best friend now. He felt like some kind of teacher to me. He had me gripping to every word he was saying. Where the hell had he been this whole chaotic time?

He grinned a bit, in a knowing way. "If you haven't figured it out by now, then you will." He told me. "Anyway, I'm not asking you to tell me what's going on. I know that if you haven't by now, then it must be something pretty damn important. But, _you_ should really figure out what's going on. Honestly, I don't think he did anything to get you in trouble. But that might just be me. In any case… I know that if _you_ don't figure out what's going on, you're going to end up hurting the kid. Whether you mean to or not."

I had to tear my eyes away. It was so hard for me to try and understand what he was saying. It was so vague. But of course it was vague, Matt only had what he observed from us to work with.

It was my turn to fill in the blanks.

I bit my tongue, but knew I needed to find something to say.

Acting as casually as I could considering how shaken up he'd made me, I folded my arms behind my head but let my eyes continue to watch him. "You're right." I said. "It is just you."

-

By ten that night, I couldn't take it any longer. I had to know Near's state. I felt like I _needed_ to be, in some way, around him. I didn't care what Roger or any of them said.

Sure, I'd try to keep myself inconspicuous just to keep things from getting too suspicious. But I couldn't follow Roger's rule anymore. That geezer didn't understand the situation. I _had_ to break the rules this time.

The difference this time, from any other occurrence, was that this time I was doing it because I had to. Not to prove that I could, or didn't care.

I snuck out of my room, into the empty hallway. Thankfully the curfew for everyone was nine-thirty, so of course there was no one there. And there were no officials making sure everyone was in their rooms, either.

I would be free to do what I wanted for now.

I crept down the hall as silently as I possibly could until I reached Near's bedroom door. I stared at the grains in the door for a long minute. There were no sounds to be heard from within the room, of course. But I prayed that he wasn't asleep. I wanted to hear him, and know that he was fine, and just across the door from me.

'_What are you doing to me, Near?'_ I asked mentally, closing my eyes and biting the inside of my lip as I softly knocked on his door.

Almost instantly, there came a soft reply. "Yes?" His reply made me wonder. Had he been waiting for me?

I shook the thought away from me for now. "Near. Come here." I couldn't go in myself. Not because of Roger's rule, but… because I just couldn't bring myself to right now. I couldn't find the strength. And, even if I did, I wasn't sure I'd be able to look Near in the eyes while I was so full of this unknowing.

I heard the metal door knob clink as he grabbed it. "Don't." I said, instantly, and just like that, all sounds from it stopped. I couldn't help wondering what was on his mind right now.

"Mello?" He asked, obviously confused.

"Roger has officials checking on me randomly so I can't risk it right now." I lied. And it was believable too. That was good. Near couldn't argue with that. But, just to be safe, I had to add, "But if I hear them coming up from out here then I can claim I'm just walking around."

I let my forehead rest against the wood of his door for a long moment. _'I don't care if you believe me or not.'_ I thought, _'Just please understand that I… don't understand what's going on with me. If I have to look into your eyes right now… I'm not sure what I'll end up doing…'_

I sighed, then turned around and pushed my back to the door before sliding down it to the floor. My head fell into my hands. What was going on with me? What _was_ Near doing to me? I didn't even have to be in the same room with him for him to turn me into a basket case.

I listened to the sound of sliding on the other side of the door, and I figured Near had mimicked my action. I lifted my head and let it rest against the door. And in that moment, I felt connected to Near as I hadn't before.

I couldn't say why, exactly.

"Why did you do that? You didn't have to." Came Near's voice from the other side. I knew that, the moment I got to talk to him again, that would be the first questions he asked.

Somehow, though, my answer came naturally. "And let you get in trouble for that? You know Roger would have dealt out a worse punishment if he had believed that doctor over your stupid story."

In that moment, while I was connected to him and all, it didn't feel like we were rivals at all. Maybe I'd been seeing things wrong all along. It felt… more like we were partners in this, now –looking out for the other, in a sense.

In any case, I was positive that while I once thought our worlds were miles apart from one another –that wasn't so. He and I were exactly the same. We lived the same lives, anyway. We did the same thing, all the time. We just… did them differently. We lived in the same house, and fought for the same goal. But while I tried to rule everything around me, he stuck to academics, which ultimately made him rule over _me._

It was all a misunderstanding, it seemed.

How much time had I lost hating this kid when things could have been so much different?

Though… thus is the story of life, I suppose.

"You were listening?" Near asked; his words bringing me back to our little conversation.

"The doors aren't that thick." I retorted easily as I closed my eyes –so that now only he and I existed in our connected worlds.

"So what are you going to do now that you can't be in the same room as me?" Near continued to pry. I didn't blame him. If he had any connection to me after all we'd been through during this time, of course he would wonder.

"I'll find a way around it." I wondered if he realized just how short, and relatively vague all of my responses seemed to be. If I were him, I would pry _way_ more into it. But, of course, Neat was probably panicking a bit on the inside.

Losing that strong defense to the outside world would do that, even to him.

"Will you still be here some nights?" He asked, and I could hear just how desperate he was for that. Well… at least I could be sure that I'd done something good in this.

"Maybe." I said, letting my voice trail off as I wondered how many nights I could really get away with this. I would have to try to be here as many nights as I could, though.

"Do you really still hate me like you said earlier?" He asked, and for some reason I couldn't pick up any present emotion in his words anymore. Usually there was _something_ there to show me how he was feeling. But now it was like he was trying to hide it from me.

That was probably smart. "I told you last night, I don't know anymore." That was a lie, and I knew it. I knew I didn't hate him. Not anymore. But… if I didn't hate him, then what else was there? Currently, I was trying not to think about it.

"Mello?" Came his quiet voice after a long minute.

"Hm?"

"Thanks." His voice could hardly be heard, but I picked it up. I couldn't help my smile. All the anger and frustration I'd felt earlier about getting in trouble seemed to mean nothing anymore, now that I'd heard that.

"Go to sleep, Near." I said with my eyes remaining closed and a small grin on my face. Despite our situation, things still felt better.

I waited for a long minute, but didn't hear anything more from him. I exhaled a heavy breath as I spoke –just wanting him to know, still. "I'll keep you safe."

A/N: I actually _really_ liked that chapter! I hope people like that little epiphany-thing I had while writing this, about them actually being one-in-the-same. People might debate with me on that, but I think I made it pretty clear that, really, they are living the exact same life, just living it differently. That might not seem big to some people, but the way I think about it, it just is. Also, I hope it shows that Mello's getting closer and closer to realizing that he's in love with Near. He's, like, right on that line. I'm not sure what'll push that over. I _was_ going to use this chapter for it, but I couldn't find a place to put it in. In any case, let me know what you think! I hope you're all liking this new view point and seeing how incredibly different the situations were, while being the same.

Please review!  
_-Forbiddensoul562_


	23. Square One

A/N: I'm hoping that I'll be able to find some fun in this chapter somehow. But I'm not really looking forward to this chapter, or the next one for that matter. But I think it's only because I haven't really thought it over and planned exactly what I'm going to do. So… this is just winging it; we'll see how it turns out.

Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note or any of the characters used in this story.

Chapter 23: Square One

You never know how much you love something until it's gone.

Well doesn't it just fucking suck that _that _saying has to be true.

I didn't expect it to be true. I thought that I'd actually enjoy being away from Near for at least a little while. I thought it really wouldn't be so bad to be able to act like things were back to normal during the days –Near did his own thing while I did my own.

But, surprisingly, that wasn't the case at all.

I found that during the day, my eyes would trail over to Near during classes, and I would wonder about what he was thinking about, and what he was feeling. I only got to see him at night –which was when things got bad most times- but even during the day I would wonder about all those different things.

My mind would constantly play visions that my imagination created, about Near suffering, or something happening when I couldn't be around.

Overall, it was just plain torture.

I would much rather deal with being around him and suffering through those unknown emotions I harbored, than deal with this kind of Hell.

I wanted to see him so bad, for reasons I couldn't quite comprehend. I suppose I took for granted all those moments. I didn't see, before, that… we'd established something, even after years of my hatred towards him.

We'd established a kind of… unorthodox friendship where one depended upon the other.

-

I didn't even know how long it'd been since I'd been dealt the punishment by Roger. Maybe a week? Maybe it'd been a month for all I knew! Hell, it felt like that anyway.

But I was trying to keep myself busy all the same.

Currently, Matt and I were outside, just walking around and talking. It was way too cold to do much of anything else, and the inside was too suffocating.

It actually felt good to just talk to Matt. It felt like we hadn't for a long time. I was close to Matt, and that kind of thing really came out at times like this. When it was just us and we could talk, and joke about anything, really.

Maybe Matt was the one holding my stability together.

"We have to find something to do, Mels." Matt finally said as he rubbed his gloved hands together, and breaking the silence that'd fallen between us. I was actually surprised that he wasn't entertaining himself with some game. Maybe he was worried about any of the snow that was falling landing on his game system and messing it up.

"Like what?" I asked. "It's too cold to play anything." Honestly, though, I was perfectly satisfied with just walking around.

Matt looked up as he thought a bit. Finally, he looked down at me through the orange lenses of his goggles. "Go get your soccer ball. We'll kick it against the side of the building or something."

I knew Matt didn't like being outside to begin with, let alone actually _doing_ anything besides playing his games. The fact that he was suggesting something like this really surprised me. But it wasn't necessarily something I could turn down, either.

"You know that'll piss Roger off. Especially if we end up breaking a window or something." I couldn't fight the small smirk that crossed my face. I knew exactly what he'd say back.

Matt shrugged, already tugging out one of his games from his pocket. I suppose he wanted to get his fix now before we started playing. "What do you care? What other restrictions could they really put on you?"

I nodded, "Yeah, true." I started back to the building. "I'll get the ball, you stay here." But I didn't even wait for him to respond.

Upon reaching the building and tugging open the door I was engulfed in a wave of warmth. There was probably a fire going in the common room or something.

In any case, it was too warm for me. Upon stepping in and closing the door I shrugged off my heavy jacket so I wouldn't overheat. I'd come back and put it on when I headed out again.

I headed up the stairs quickly. I was anxious to begin doing anything that might take my thoughts off a certain younger genius.

But suddenly, as I reached the plateau of the stairs where it turned and led to the remainder of the steps, I had to stop. Something caught my ears, and I knew I didn't want to interrupt right now.

"So what, did you finally get tired of him beating on you that you ratted him out?" Came the sound of one of the other boys. I couldn't quite remember the name of him. It started with an A, or something. "That's not like you."

I pulled out a chocolate bar and silently bit off a piece as I listened. I couldn't help wondering who exactly they were teasing. Once I figured it out, I'd probably just turn and leave. Kids at Wammy's had a way of being particularly vicious behind the starlight of it all.

It was the rule of social Darwinism, the strongest survived, and for some reason we all lived by it unconsciously. Most kids didn't give a damn if someone was being teased or beat up. It just didn't matter to any of them.

The boy continued, thus cutting through my thoughts. "So now he's in trouble because of you, which means you get off easy for however long Roger decides to keep this punishment up. Is that what you're thinking?"

My look, which was pointed at the blank wall in front of me, turned to confusion. Who the hell were they talking to? And about who?

There was a moment of silence, and I could feel the tension in the air around me.

He continued again. "Maybe if you didn't act like you're better than all of us, people wouldn't hate you so much."

The silence continued, and I knew –simply because I, myself, had been in their place, that the lack of response was only going to push them on. I wondered if the victim of their verbal assault knew that.

"Say something!" Came the sound of another boy. I then began to wonder how many there were there. Already enough to outnumber the victim, that much I was pretty sure of.

"You're not getting off that easy, Near. No one messes with you because Mello always does it. But now that he can't, someone else has to step up."

I felt my heart stop, and fall from my chest. But at the same time I was frozen in place and couldn't even hope to move to at least see what was going on.

"Well we'd be glad to do that." The first boy said, and I felt my hand grip tighter around the bar of chocolate held in my hand. The thought of someone else even _daring_ to touch Near made me see red.

But at the same time, my body wouldn't move. I wanted to go, and I wanted to stop them before they did anything. But my body wasn't cooperating.

Within the next moment I heard the painfully familiar sound of skin literally hitting skin. My eyes closed. Near was the victim. And it was my fault that any of this was happening.

Their attack continued for a few minutes, and I could only listen to it from my spot; unable to move in even the slightest for form some kind of act against it.

It was only when I finally heard a pained cry from Near that I found the ability to move. It sounded too familiar to me. It reminded me of those nights when Near would have a nightmare and practically scream in pain, all while sleeping.

I'd felt so useless then, but I wasn't going to let that happen now.

I rushed up to the hall, shouting a simple, "Hey!" To stop them for now.

As all actions stopped, the boys turned to me, and I saw Near curled on the floor, with blood on his hands and trickling down from his mouth onto the floor. Anger was shooting through me in hot waves till I felt my hands shaking.

"What the hell do you think you're doing?" I asked in a strained calm voice. I was trying my best not to just explode and kill the three boys that'd been hitting him.

"We're taking advantage of Near being free now since you can't do anything to him." The one in the middle, obviously the leader of this little group stated. I couldn't help thinking how stupid he sounded. Did he really know who he was dealing with?

I said nothing, though, in return and only walked closer to them, closing the tense space that separated us. I couldn't even think about what exactly I wanted to do or say. I just wanted to kill right now.

Suddenly, without even thinking about it I dropped my chocolate and grabbed the boy from the middle and slammed him against the closest wall against us hard. My other fist hit him hard across the face.

"Don't you _ever_ think about touching Near again!" I shouted at him as my eyes boar straight into his. I hoped he got my message, even as he cried out my name in protest.

I suppose he thought that because we were _both_ bullies of a sort, that that put us on a better level of closeness. He was completely wrong. I was nothing like him. And I didn't regard him as anything more than intruding on my territory.

To me, he was the enemy.

"Near is mine, do you understand?" I didn't know where the words came from, but they didn't feel wrong. "If you ever touch him again, I swear I'll make sure you can never touch anything again, got it?"

I made sure that all three of them nodded, but I continued to hold their leader there, as if silently reiterating my point. I really did want to kill them. But I wouldn't.

Too hard to hide the bodies…

Finally, I threw him to the ground in the direction of the stairs, so that now I separated them from Near. "Go." I told them. "And don't even think about saying a word of this to Roger, understand?" I didn't need him on my case _again._

With that, they nodded before scrambling up and running towards the stairs. I felt… kind of proud that I'd been able to make them run now. They deserved even less than what I'd given them.

I then exhaled a small breath as I listened to the silence that overtook the hallway.

What did I do now? I wasn't sure what to do to face Near after who knows how long it'd been not being able to see him, and now after something like _this_.

But I had to make sure he was alright. I felt guilty for letting it happen in the first place.

I turned to him, and saw the look of almost fear present somewhere in those dark eyes. I wondered what he was thinking. But I could only feel sympathy towards him after that, and I'm sure it showed on my face.

I stepped closer to him then kneeled down, letting my hand rest on his arm. I was afraid of hurting him, though. "You okay?" I asked, reading him for any sort of pain.

As he nodded, I continued looking him over, though this time looking for any sort of lie in his answer.

He suddenly began to move, trying to push himself up so he was sitting, and I tried to help as best I could without hurting him further. I knew my touch would be feather light against him, for it felt like he was the china doll, and I was the hammer. I had to be careful.

"Come on." I urged him to stand up, more wanting to get him back to his room before anyone came up and he had to be seen like this. If he had any form of dignity left, I wanted him to be able to keep it.

He let me help him up, and I watched as he gave off little winces of pain –the majority of it being hidden very well. I hated seeing him like this. My imagination instantly took over and all I could do was imagine him being this way after meeting with L.

The thought sickened me. But I tried not to let that show.

I led the way to his room, making sure that he was following me, and also that he wasn't going to fall from the pain or anything.

Once inside, I locked the door, and watched Near's eyes flick over to the door, then look up at me. I could see the worry in his eyes. Maybe he thought I was going to take advantage of his current state.

But I would never do that. He should know it.

"So no one barges in." I clarified as I tried to calm his probably now high-strung nerves. He simply nodded in understanding, but that didn't seem to be enough for me. I really wanted him to say something.

His cold outer shell that he was showing me made me think that we were back to square one –the place we were at before he told me about all of this. I wasn't sure what I would do if that was the case.

Despite all of this, I didn't press it as I then motioned for him to follow me into his bathroom.

Thankfully, he followed, but looked confused. "Mello?" He asked in such a quiet voice as he moved around me and sat on the side of the bathtub. He looked like he had just collapsed away into himself again. For once in a long time, he wasn't such an easy book for me to read.

I grabbed one of the white wash clothes on the rack by the sink and ran some cool water over it. Then, I moved over to Near and knelt in front of him. I could almost feel him tense in front of me.

I watched him move away from me. But I wasn't sure why. Why was Near so afraid of me now? What had I done but protect him from those boys? My eyes narrowed on him. "Relax, Near." I said simply, to get my point across.

After a moment, he leaned closer to me again, and I sat up so I could be even closer to him. If it came down to it, I'd say I wanted to examine him better. When in fact, I really just felt like I needed to be this close again.

I pressed the cloth to his lower lip, probably harder than I should have, and he pulled away from me again. I couldn't help my small grin. I should have expected him to do something like that.

"Come here, you're still bleeding." I said, feeling like I was talking to a child. Then again, Near felt like one at this moment. But that wasn't a problem. It wasn't like I could blame him.

Ha came closer once again, and again I began dabbing at his cut and bleeding lip. He looked so innocent and child-like sitting there all broken before me. I tried not to let it get to me, and instead just focused on the task before me.

"How did you know?" Came his quiet voice the moment I pulled away from him to inspect my work so far. I wasn't surprised that he'd waited until now to speak.

I tried to divert the question, though. I wasn't too sure how to answer. How could I tell him that I'd been heading upstairs and heard it? He'd want to know why I hadn't done anything sooner. I could always lie… but that made me feel even more guilty.

"Hm?" I knew my voice was lacking all emotion. I knew it, but I didn't know how to change that. I just happened. "Are you bleeding anywhere else?" I asked.

His eyes watched me, in that way he always did when he was trying to see past my walls. But then, they finally fell from me and looked downwards. My gaze followed his and I watched as he opened his once clenched hands, which had up until now been laying in his lap. Now open, I could see the red marks there from his nails.

Unsure of what else to do, I put the cloth on his hands, then wrapped his fingers around it so he was holding it. His palms probably hurt, and I figured the cool water that was soaked into the cloth would help.

I held my hands over his for a long minute –feeling the little sparks in me that went off the whole time I touched him. The feeling confused me, so I pulled back from him and sat down on the floor again –my eyes looking away from him.

I didn't want to risk staying that close and do something I might regret.

"How did you know what was going on?" He asked again.

I thought quickly, and finally decided the vague truth would be the best option. "I didn't." I answered honestly. "I came up to get something to do indoors, I didn't even know you were there." I think it was my rushed mind, which fought to get the most logical answer out as quickly as possible, that made me lie about what I'd been doing.

"Thanks." He said, in the same way, and I looked up quick enough to watch the smallest hint of a smile cross his face, and touch his eyes.

I smiled too as I watched him. In that moment the rest of the world didn't exist. It was just Near and myself, and I found I liked things that way. No competition. No stress. No nothing. There was just us. That made things easier.

And as I saw that small, warm and true smile on Near, I knew instantly that we weren't back at square one, but in fact, we were closer than we had been before.

A/N: Oh man… that took me so long to do, and it's very forced for me. It probably reads like crap as well. Oh well… at least I got it out and didn't skip it like I had originally wanted to. I guess, instead of calling this a filler chapter, I could call it a chapter that builds their relationship. It makes people more emotionally attached to them. I don't know. Let me know what you think.

Please review!  
_-Forbiddensoul562_


	24. Losing Him

A/N: The last few days have been kind of hard, and very stressful. And, as for this story, I'm very glad that it's coming to a close soon. It's hard to think of new material for this, sometimes. In fact, for this chapter I couldn't imagine what else Mello could have been doing, so I got lazy and skipped a lot of open space. I know someday I'll probably go back to this and facepalm myself. But… oh well. I already know I'm going to dislike this chapter. Oh well.

Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note or any of the characters used in this story.

Chapter 24: Losing Him

I knew something was wrong with me when I came to the conclusion that, now, chocolate is no longer my only drug of choice. Just thinking about it makes me shudder.

I should have guessed that something like this was going to happen from the beginning. But, of course, it's like I've always been told –I overlook things because my emotions get in the way.

Though, this was more impulse than anything. I didn't think about it when I agreed to this in the beginning. It just… happened.

But that's not what mattered at this moment.

What mattered right now were the actions happening in this moment.

I had just been in the kitchen stealing myself some more chocolate when suddenly I heard Near's panicked voice call my name. If this didn't put me on alert, then when he rushed forward and hugged me tightly, that did.

I could feel him shaking against me. I couldn't help wondering what was going on with him now. Was someone else picking on him? All he had to do was say who it was and I'd destroy them.

Though something felt wrong. This was different. If it was something as simple as someone messing with him, there was no way he'd tell me. He'd just dismiss it.

My confused look watched his diverted eyes, "Near, what the hell?" I asked, trying to sound as natural as I could.

Near was quiet for a long minute that left me to let my worry grow tenfold. Something was really shaking him up. "They're…" He finally said, but paused again. "I don't want to go… please don't let them."

I felt my heart begin to quicken it's once steady pace in my chest. This was serious.

I brought him back and forced his eyes –which were so full of panic- to meet mine. "Near, what are you talking about?" I asked, with my voice a forced form of steady.

I watched Near swallow hard –probably to calm himself down further. He finally spoke. "L requested another meeting; Watari'll be here soon." His hold on my tightened.

I felt myself crack, at his words.

I was trying hard not to think about what this meant, but it happened anyway. L was going to get to Near, unless I did something. He was going to get his way. He probably wasn't even doing this because he wanted to so much as for the meaning behind it.

He wanted to break Near again, and wanted to break the bond between Near and myself. I'd been stupid enough to alert him to the fact that there _was_ one, so now he was breaking it so he would control Near again.

"I don't want to go." Near's words brought me out of my thoughts.

"I know, Near." I told him, trying to be comforting while at the same time plan what exactly I was going to do about this.

My eyes starred right back into Near's dark orbs as I tried to assess the situation and plan what exactly I needed to do.

The only thing I could think of to do, would be to go _with_ Near, and go to wherever L was. Maybe I'd be able to talk to him. Or better yet, kill him.

… Hey, I can dream.

I finally decided. That was going to be what I did. I would go with him.

"Alright." I finally said, "I'll take care of it." I broke out of his grasp and took Near's hand instead –leading the way from the kitchen and out to the entry way.

Roger was just entering, and instantly looked shocked that Near and I were there together. But I interrupted him before he could get more than my name out. Quickly letting go of Near's hand, I said, "Roger! Why does Near get to go to those stupid meetings?" My eyes narrowed on him as I shouted. I really didn't care who heard me right now.

When Roger remained silent, probably surprised by my sudden outburst, I started up again. My thoughts were that, maybe if I could convince him first, he could convince Watari to take me. "Near's not that much better than me; I'm still second here! I should be able to go to these meeting things too!"

Finally, Roger replied, "I don't have authority over it, Mello. This is L's call, not mine."

"Well call him and tell him I want to go too." I said venomously. Roger paused a moment, to consider his next action.

Suddenly, though, the sound of the front entrance door opening alerted me. My heart, which was already going a mile a minute, sped up if at all possible. My time to alter this situation was wearing thin.

My eyes shot to Watari as he entered, and then to Near who was beside me –simply messing with the end of his sleeve nervously. Why wasn't he doing anything? Why wasn't he helping me!

"Good day everyone." Watari said as he removed the black hat he'd been wearing.

My eyes shot over to him again, thinking that maybe I could turn my assault to him, and get him to let me go. "Watari." I said, taking a cautious step closer. "I want to go too!"

Watari looked down at me, with a look in his eyes like he was actually considering it. My hands shook at my side in anticipation.

"I'm sorry, Mello," He started, "But L's only specified for Near. I'm sure after his training with him is done he'll train you too."

He stepped closer to me to place a small pat on my head. Normally I'd be alright with that, but I tore myself away before he could and instead glared at him. "There has to be something you can say to convince him, Watari!"

I couldn't be told no. I had to do this… I had to go too! Near couldn't just be taken from me that easily!

"I'm afraid not, Mello." He said, then turned to Near. My eyes moved to him too –silently begging for him to do _something_! I understood the fear he had now, but if he really wanted to be saved from this, then he needed to speak up and use his ability to control people to his advantage!

"Are you ready?" Watari asked him.

Near's eyes turned to me, and I could see all the emotions behind them that were begging me to do something. But I couldn't do anything more without seeming way too suspicious. Near needed to do something! But still nothing.

Suddenly, Roger stepped up to me, "Come on, Mello, I'm sure you have some work you've been ignoring." He grabbed the black material of my shirt to make me follow him.

But I couldn't, and I wouldn't! "No, I want to go too!" I sounded like a child. But I didn't care.

"Near." Watari said, motioning for him to follow out the door. My heart dropped as I watched Near step closer to him. He was giving in! I was losing!

"Near." I spoke up, making him stop and look at me. But I didn't know what to say. I wasn't even sure what my eyes were showing him anymore. He was going to go, but if he did there was no way I'd be able to assure that I could get to him again.

He finally turned and, despite everything I'd done and how much both of us didn't want it, I had to watch as he walked out the door. It felt like he was walking to his own destruction.

A/N: Wow that was very short. But it was eventful, and I'm sure the people who haven't read BP are mad about me leaving it here. But oh well. Things will be a lot easier from here on out. I can assure you of that much. As to when the next one will come out, I'm not sure. Anyway, let me know what you think!

Also, please be sure to go to my profile and take the poll that's there! I need a lot more votes to get a clear score and know what I should really do next. I post these chapters for you, so please help me out by doing this! It shouldn't take more than 10 minutes. Thank you!

Please review!  
_-Forbiddensoul562_


	25. Desperate Search

A/N: I have been speared into writing this quickly. Not because I want to, mind you, but because I feel threatened, more than anything. You see… I am a very competitive person by nature… it's gotten to the point where I don't read a lot of other people's work anymore because I always get that threatened feeling. .Le sigh… oh well… anyway, hopefully you enjoy this! Sorry for my ranting.

Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note or any of the characters in this story.

Chapter 25: Desperate Search

It was easy for Roger to pull me away from the entrance way after Near left through the door. Upon hearing it click closed, I knew I had lost, and my whole world seemed to crash down around me.

Roger took me back to one of the empty classrooms and began trying to force mountains of work upon me. Maybe to keep me busy, or maybe to distract me. All I knew was that it wasn't working.

My eyes kept flicking to the classroom door, and then back to the clock that hung over the blackboard at the front of the room. All I could think about was how much time had passed since I let Near slip out of my grasp and go to that _thing_.

It felt like only a second had ticked by every time I looked at the clock. When in reality, I had absolutely no idea how long it had been. My mind was in such a rush that every time looked the same.

Maybe it'd been a minute? Maybe it'd been ten minutes? Hell, with how trapped I felt right now maybe it had been three fucking days since Roger brought me in here! I just didn't know anymore!

I began tapping my pencil against the desk top while my eyes stayed on the clock and watched the second hand go around and around in a circle.

Roger suddenly cleared his throat, and instinctively my eyes shot down to him –where he was sitting behind the teacher desk in front of the black board. His eyes met mine, "Get to work, Mello. You are not to leave this room until all of that work is complete."

I growled in frustration, wondering how exactly he could have the audacity to tell me to do this useless work when he'd been the one to send Near to his destruction. Who was more at fault there?

"Does any of this even matter? Would it even go to my score in the race?" I asked. Maybe if I had that incentive, I'd be able to distract myself with this work or something.

Roger looked up from some paper's his eyes had been on, "No. This is strictly punishment."

My eyes narrowed. What a bastard…

All of a sudden, though there came the ring of Roger's cell phone in his pocket. My eyes stayed on him as my heart picked up in speed. For some reason, my mind screamed that, just maybe, something had happened that had prevented Watari and Near from getting there and were now heading back.

Could such a relief exist? I didn't think so...

"Yes?" Roger asked as he flipped open the phone and placed it at his ear.

I couldn't hear who was on the other side, but when Roger's eyes darted over to me before he answered, my tension suddenly broke and I could barely contain myself. "Uh, yes he i-."

That was enough for me to hear. I bounded out of my chair with enough force to topple it over, and raced up to the teacher desk –my eyes burning into Roger's. "Is that L?" I asked as I tried to keep my burning anger down.

Roger, obviously taken by surprise, paused a moment before he answered, "Yes, it i-."

My hands were shaking now, "Give me the phone!" I didn't know what I would say to L if I got a hold of that phone, but I knew it wouldn't be anything good.

Roger had enough time to nearly shout my name, before L said something on the other line. Now in this closeness, I could just barely pick out his voice and his words, "It's fine, Roger, please give him the phone."

My hands clenched into fists. L knew he had the upper hand between us, and he was throwing it right in my face. I hated him more than ever in that moment, and wanted nothing more than to let him know that I would kill him.

Roger paused for a moment before handing over the phone to me. I grabbed it, and without waiting any longer I began out of the room –ignoring Roger's call to me. I needed to get away from Roger. Not for my own good, but so he didn't hear the things I _needed_ to say to L.

"L, where the hell are you?" I shouted into the phone as I entered out to the hallway. Roger would surely be quick to follow me. I had to listen to whatever it was L would say back to me, and decide what I was going to do, all at once.

"I'll tell you where I am in a bit, Mello, don't worry about that." Came his incredibly smooth sounding voice from the other side. I could just hear the control in his every word; it made me sick.

"Where is Near?" I asked, finally coming to a conclusion about what exactly I needed to do. The only way for me to escape Roger and have any chance of helping Near was to leave here.

So, with that, I bounded down the hall towards the entrance way –where all of this had taken place. All the while, I listened to L's response. "He's right here. All is fine, Mello."

But I knew the truth. I didn't even care about being inconspicuous about me knowing about what was happening now. Near could get mad at me for it later. Right now, it was all about winning against L.

I never thought I would be fighting against my idol; especially not about something like this.

"Like Hell it is! Don't you dare touch him, L! I swear to God if you lay a hand on him-."

He cut me off, "You'll do what? You don't know where I am."

By this point, I was out of Wammy's, and running as fast as I could down the path towards the main road. I didn't know where exactly I planned on going, but that wasn't the point right now.

"I'll find you and kill you myself!" I shouted back angrily.

"Would you like to hear from him yourself?" L suddenly asked.

The words hit me like a brick wall and I skidded to a stop on the empty main road that led into the city. I had to ask myself _did_ I want to hear Near right now? What if L had already begun to rape Near? I hated to think of what kind of state he would be in.

That had to be it… that had to be the reason why L was doing this to us… he wanted us to talk so that both of us would feel the connection being painfully severed. Everything breaking down around us like the most delicate crystal against a merciless floor.

I didn't even get a chance to give my final answer, when the silence on the other end was broken. "Mello…" Came Near's painfully broken voice, which made my heart clench in my chest. I couldn't help but think to myself, _'Oh God… how did I let this happen…'_

But my words shot out before I could think of them, "Near!" There was a happy tone in my voice. Maybe more like relieved, though. "Where are you? I'm sorry… tell me." My thoughts and priorities were in such disarray that it all came out in a single blob. I wasn't even sure if it'd made any sense at all.

The was a brief pause on the other end before again I heard Near, "I'm sorry…" He told me. It made my heart break, completely. Near shouldn't be the one apologizing, it should be me.

"Near…" But I couldn't find the words.

After another pause, L's voice came over the line, "Mello." He said. Just hearing his voice and all the anger that it brought to me was enough to remind me of what I was supposed to be doing, and forced me to begin running down the street again.

"I'll kill you, L. I'll make you regret everything you've done to him and feel just as much pain!" I promised.

"I'm sure, Mello." He responded, with an air about him that said he wasn't taking me seriously. "Well, we have to go now, but I'll be sure to call later with the information of where you'll be able to find Near."

"You bastard! Just fucking-." I didn't get the chance to finish my sentence before I realized L had cut the connection between us. I growled in frustration, throwing the phone into my pocket and continuing running.

I reached the city limits but didn't stop for a second. My eyes darted around me to all of the different brick buildings. They were all different in what they were used for –some houses, some shops- but they were the same in their appearance.

I finally came to stop a four-way-intersection. My eyes darted around the area as I began contemplating which way I should go. Randomly deciding, I took a right and began down that side –pushing through the people who were in my way.

But suddenly, I had to stop myself.

My eyes looked down the street I was now on. Just like the previous street, all of these buildings looked the same. Red brick, two or three stories tall, and with all different kinds of hotels, shops, and houses built into it.

I turned around and looked down the street opposite of the one I was on. Again, it was like a mirrored version of this one. My heart suddenly dropped.

Where did I go now?

Painfully, I realized that there was nowhere else I could go. Even if I tried to just check hotels in the city, that had to be a dozen, and there was no ways I'd be able to check all the rooms. It felt like I was looking for a single needle in a city-worth of hay.

My legs gave out under me, and I sat down on the curb of the road –my eyes looking down to the grungy street under my feet. As painful as it was for me to admit it, L had won… just like he always does.

He was going to do whatever he wanted to Near… and there was absolutely nothing I could do about it now.

-

It felt like hours and hours later when Roger's phone in my pocket began ringing. Quickly I took it out and opened it –not caring who exactly it was, right now. "What?" I answered.

"Hello, Mello?" Came L's voice, making me shoot up in my spot.

"L!" I nearly shouted, "What did you do! Whe-."

"There's no need for shouting, Mello. I've called to tell you where you can get Near."

I stopped in place, my confused expression looking at nothing, "Where…" But I let myself trail off as L began telling me the name of the hotel, and where exactly it was. My eyes darted around to the nearest street sign, and I realized that I wasn't at the street.

So, even if I had begun checking those hotels on this street, I wouldn't have found him.

"I trust you'll be the one to try and fix him, again." L said, and I couldn't find the words to say anything else. He knew I would, and even _I_ knew I would. Despite my failure.

After saying his goodbyes and hanging up, I placed the phone back in my pocket and once again began trying to navigate my way through the confusion of streets.

I felt so numb. But most of all, I was trying as hard as I could to not think about what kind of shape L might have left Near in.

A/N: Yeah, that was a good chapter! I feel better now. I'm actually quite proud of this one. I think it got across exactly what happened very well. I know in BP this was a confusing part. People were wondering how Mello had answered Rogers phone, and things like that, and I think I've cleared that up well. So… let me know what you think! And, if you haven't already, please vote in the poll on my profile! Thanks!

Please review!  
_-Forbiddensoul562_


	26. Simple Caresses

A/N: Oh God, everyone. I'm so sorry it takes me so long to update. As my profile says under my 'For all stories' section, my school started up 2 weeks ago, and I'm currently taking basically 4 college classes. Homework usually takes me 4-5 hours to do that work, and by then I'm completely tired. Weekends are the only time I have to write and post, it seems. So… I'm so sorry. I refuse to give up on my stories completely, but I'm letting you know that things will be delayed some.

Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note or any of the characters used in this story.

Chapter 26: Simple Caresses

I don't know what it was that drove me. Maybe I've never had a sense of direction before. But after L hung up the phone with me, something drove me, and told me to run.

I didn't know where exactly, because L's directions were vague, but somehow I knew I was getting there. After all, not getting there just wasn't an option.

My heart was aching, not because of the running, but from the anxiety of what Near would be like now. What was I going to find? There was something in one of the options to that question that pushed me to go faster.

I was afraid. Maybe… Near would be dead by the time I got there. In any sense of the word.

Finally, after what seemed like hours, I found the place and ran straight in –ignoring all the stares I knew people were giving me. Of course none of them mattered. The only thing I needed to do was find room number 25. He'd told me Near would be there.

I went up five floors to the top –figuring I could just make my way down from there.

The hallway was devoid of people, and again I ran down it. My eyes surveyed each door, and thankfully the rooms started at number 20.

So, after only a moment or two, I finally came to a stop at the door labeled '25' in gold letters. The door was cracked open, and no sounds could be heard from within.

My heart was racing, maybe from what might happen, or maybe from all of the running I'd done. I didn't have the time to pick between the two right now.

I pushed the door open and looked around the entrance and living room that the front door showed to. The room looked just as immaculate as any other cleaned hotel room would. It didn't look like an evil man had just committed such a disgusting act.

My eyes surveyed the place quickly, just to take it all in; then let my eyes fall on the cracked door of what could only be the bedroom.

There were no sounds to be heard from within.

I went over and, after swallowing hard and bracing myself for what I might see inside, I touched the wood door and pushed it open until it lightly hit the adjacent wall.

My heart fell from my chest when my eyes took in the reality before me.

I didn't want to believe what I was seeing, but it was there… it had happened.

Near was lying on his stomach on the bed –which was clearly visible from the doorway- one arm dangling off the bed. His body was as pale as the white sheets that covered him, but I could just tell how lethargic his body was.

I couldn't help but think… maybe he was dead.

"Near…" I heard myself say in a whispered tone. Near didn't move in the slightest.

A wave of worry rushed over me and drove me to go forward, moving around the bed and kneeling in front of him. Near's eyes were open, but seemed to not even notice me as they stared right past me and into the wall. There didn't seem to be any life left in him.

"Near…" I said again, my hand instinctively coming up to rest it somewhere on him. But I stopped myself, as I didn't know where to put it. Near was broken everywhere, and thus nowhere was safe for my once safe touch.

I didn't know what to say, and I knew if I just left it at this, then he wouldn't speak to me either. "I'm…" But I couldn't finish it. I wanted to apologize, and I wanted to tell him so much. But… as my eyes rest on his broken figure, and I thought about how this was all my fault, I knew I just couldn't do it.

His eyes seemed to slowly come back in order to look at me, and I watched as his mouth parted, to form words. "Why didn't you come, Mello? Why did you lie to me? Why weren't you here?"

His voice was so broken –more so than I'd ever heard it before, and it just ripped my heart to shreds. Because I knew my honest answer would never be good enough. Near had put his whole trust into me… and I'd failed to keep him safe in his time of need.

"I'm sorry, Near." I finally forced myself to say. Something was on auto in me, as the words just seemed to rush out against my will. "I know I fucked that whole thing up and destroyed all those promises I made to you."

I paused, but he didn't say anything, and his lifeless expression didn't change at all.

"I'm sorry, okay?" I said. I just wanted to try and fix things now instead of dwelling on what I'd done wrong.

Though, I couldn't deny that I wanted him to know I'd tried. "When L called I was already in the city. Look," I quickly pulled out Roger's black cell phone that I'd stolen earlier and showed it to him. "I stole Roger's phone and ran all the way here just so I could be in the general area when he called."

"So why…?" Near asked, his broken voice trailing off at the end. I tried not to think that his voice might just be like that because of all the screaming he'd probably done earlier.

"Why did it take so long?" I asked.

He nodded.

"I couldn't find this place." I said honestly. "I'm sorry, Near. So sorry." What more could I say?

He didn't say anything in response, despite everything I wanted. Instead, he watched me for a long moment, before slowly beginning to turn his head the other way. I felt like, just by that action, he was pushing me away; that he didn't want my help anymore.

Before I could stop myself, I reached up again and rest a hand on his shoulder –instantly feeling the way he tensed under me, and pulled away slightly. That hurt, but I knew I should have expected it. "Near," I began to try, "Please just let me make this better."

He paused for a long moment, before finally asking, "How?"

I didn't even need to think before I spoke, "First by getting you cleaned off and dressed." My words made it sound so simple, but I was sure that we both knew that I meant more than that.

Thankfully, after another moment he turned his head to face me once again, and gave a small nod. I could feel my heart lifting in my chest. At least he wasn't completely turning me away because of my mistake.

I smiled in my sheer delight and nodded back to him as my hands moved to help him, "Here, sit up for a minute." I could just tell he didn't want to be touched by the way he tried to do it all on his own.

He was finally sitting up on the side of the bed; the white sheet from the bed was draped around his body. He was looking down slightly, but I couldn't read his expression completely. Maybe it was pain, though. I wouldn't be surprised.

"You want me to find some pain medicine or something?" I offered, watching him carefully.

But he shook his head, and I couldn't help but wonder if it was because he really wasn't in pain, or he just didn't want to show it to me.

I didn't say anything of it, though. If he wanted to try and hide it, then who was I to draw it out right now? So I simply nodded, then reached over to his pile of clothes that had been sitting abandoned not too far away and drew them closer. I didn't know what to do from there, though.

"Here, I'll…" I caught myself before I could tell him I'd leave, and instead trailed off. I couldn't leave this room, it felt like. If I left him alone… I didn't know what he would do to himself. For some reason, that was my biggest fear at this moment.

Instead, I just moved away a bit and turned myself around so I was looking at the wall. I wouldn't leave now.

There was no sounds for a long moment, but then I listened as Near stood from the bed, and I could hear the movement of clothing. I closed my eyes as I tried to calm down. Instead of worrying, I simply tried to think of what I would do from here on out.

I didn't even register the lack of noise from behind me then, when I suddenly felt cold, but gentle, fingers touch my hair. I let my breath out in a heavy exhale. Somehow, Near's touch was what I'd needed to relax me again.

I turned slightly to him, "Near?"

"Mello…" Was all he said back, but in the mere utterance of my name it just seemed to hold so much in it.

_'He must feel so disgusting right now…'_ I told myself. With that thought, I turned more to him and took his hand from my hair –holding it in place. "Let me get something to help clean you off a bit."

But before I could make any movements, I observed the way he drew away from me, and a look of hurt and shame crossed his face –like he'd done something wrong. It was then that I understood.

He thought I didn't want him to touch me yet. When in reality, it was quite the opposite.

I brought his hand closer to me again and rest it against my cheek in order to silently show him that that hadn't been what I'd meant. I moved unconsciously under his hand in a sort of nuzzling motion; then moved his hand down to my lips.

It was there that I forced myself to stop. _'You're going to fast!'_ I told myself.

"I'll be right back." I told him, so I could get something to clean him a bit. Not only that, but I wanted to look away from those beautiful grey eyes so I wouldn't be so overwhelmed by this insatiable need to be close to him.

However, before I even had the chance to move, Near moved closer to me and into my lap –both his arms wrapping around my neck and his fingers lacing into my hair.

I was startled, and for some reason all I could think was that this could be too much for him. Thus, my body tensed and I had to pause in returning the embrace.

Near spoke before I could ask about this. "Please don't leave me." He said quietly. "I'm sorry for this, but something is screaming that I need this. Please hold me back Mello, if only one more time."

His words nearly broke my heart. How was it that Near always had this effect on me?

I didn't even need to think as I relaxed, and let my arms wrap around him. "Of course, it's alright, I won't leave." I assured him as my eyes closed. "I told you I'd be here, didn't I?"

I felt so at ease right here, and part of me thought that, if I didn't have to, I would never want us to move from this spot. It didn't matter what had happened in this room, or how Near was now. We were both calm, and eased this close to each other.

It was strange, we could so easily be each other's destruction, but at the same time, we were each other's comfort too.

A/N: Originally, I went farther than this, but I really wanted to end it here and then let them get back in the next chapter. Anyway, I really liked this chapter. Hopefully all of you did too! As I said in the beginning AN, I don't know when I'll be able to post again, but I'll definitely be writing whenever I can find the time. So… yeah. Let me know what you think! And vote in my poll if you haven't already! Thanks!

Please review!  
_-Forbiddensoul562_


	27. Honest Reality

A/N: So… I've actually been kind of depressed lately. I've come to understand that I've fallen from how I used to be. I used to update really quickly with good chapters. But now it's hard to even put out just one. I've come to understand that there're probably new authors coming about on here that are better than me… it's hard, and it's what's depressing me. But… so long as I have everyone who reviews, and favorites, and supports me, then I guess that's all I really need. Thank you all for really being there for me. If you have any comments, feel free to share.

Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note or any of the characters used in this story.

Chapter 27: Honest Reality

I wasn't sure how long I held Near there. I was kind of glad that I didn't, either. I think if I had any sense over time then I would have only thought about how I needed to get Near out of here.

But somehow Near had the ability to take that all away from me and make my entire reality fall away. He was my world now. Or at least I was trying to think so. Whether or not it was true didn't matter right now.

Near was all that mattered.

Speaking of him, he hadn't moved from his spot on me, or even shifted in the slightest. I began to wonder if he had fallen asleep. Maybe if he had, this could be made a lot easier.

Cautiously, I shifted underneath him; instantly I felt his hold over me tighten securely.

I couldn't help but let out a small grin at that. How stupid I'd been to believe that Near would have fallen asleep in a place like that. I could have shuddered at the mere thought of what nightmares sleeping in this room could generate.

Even so, I knew I had to speak to him now and continue trying to help. "Near." I said softly, "Let me take you home."

"Home…" He repeated in a tone that lacked any life at all. I could almost see him give a small smile as he continued, "Yeah, home." In addition, I could almost feel him relax further against me, instead of making any moves to get up.

I blinked in confusion. Did he… think I was like a home or something? Normally I might think that kind of thought process would be weird… but somehow, when I knew it was Near thinking it, I couldn't help but feel like I'd achieved something. And I didn't mind it one bit.

I was about to get up, and pick him up with me, when I felt him exhale against me and then get up from my lap. I followed, too, but realized then that I hadn't really wanted to separate.

So long as I was hold him, I felt like I was still doing something to help.

I suddenly came up with an idea.

After I'd stood up, I bent down again and motioned for Near to get on my back.

He didn't move, and instead gave me a confused look. I knew I should have expected that kind of thing from him. He could be so oblivious… "I'm going to carry you." I told him.

I could see him stiffen instinctively. "I'm quite capable of walking, thank you." He assured me, and I almost wanted to roll my eyes in response.

"Too bad." I told him in a sort of firm tone. "Just let me carry you, Near, it's not that big of a deal."

Instead of protesting anymore, though, he finally did as told and climbed on my back –his arms wrapping securely around my neck. I was actually glad he decided not to protest anymore.

After making sure he wasn't going to slip off me, I stood up and instantly started from the room without giving it a second look. I didn't want to engrave this room in my memory any more than it already had been. I was sure Near was glad to be taken from that hellish room, as I could feel him relax against me and rest his head on my shoulder. I felt like I was being useful again.

We entered out into the hall once more and I started down it, the silence between us not at all awkward. It was filled more with relief than anything. We had each other again, and that was really all that mattered in the end.

"Mello." Near said.

"Hm?" I asked simply, keeping my eyes on the elevators at the end of the hall that were getting closer to us.

"Am I heavy?" He asked, making me chuckle a bit. It hadn't been anywhere near a question I thought he might want to ask.

"Not at all, Near." I answered honestly. Even if he was heavy, I knew I would never tell him that, nor would I complain or show any signs of it. I didn't want to give Near anymore reason to hate himself, if that should be any form of the way he thought.

I felt Near exhale a heavy breath, his eyes closed and I could feel the light lashes against my neck, and the way his grip around my neck tightened. He was finally relaxing, and trusting me to take care of him so he could rest.

I gave a small smile, "Go to sleep, Near." I told him as we came to a stop at the end of the hall and I pushed the down button on the elevator.

I felt Near's eyes slip open, as if suddenly having doubts about the positive effects of sleeping a bit. Before he could voice whatever he might want to say, I started up again, "It'll take us a while to get back, and you should really rest."

The doors to the elevator opened and I stepped in, pressing the ground level button. Near didn't say anything back to me in response, but honestly I hadn't really expected him to say much. I could understand that he was still really shaken up.

But as we reached the bottom floor and the doors slid open I felt Near grip me tighter, like he thought if I didn't I was going to leave him. Was that really what he was thinking? Did he really think I could do that to him after what'd happened?

Even if I'd failed him and let terrible things happen to him… I still knew where my responsibilities lay, and I knew what I needed to do in order to fix things again.

"Relax Near, it's fine." I told him, trying to vaguely assure him that I had no plan of leaving him after this.

Near closed his eyes once again, and his grip loosened on me. I was glad that'd helped some. Or... maybe it hadn't at all. But I still wanted to think it had, dammit!

We entered out into the cold winter weather and instantly I feared that Near would get cold. He didn't have any jacket on, and what he had on now couldn't be too warm in itself. I would have offered him mine, but I didn't want to stop and have to put him down in the snow.

So, instead I quickened my step so, hopefully, we could get back to Wammy's before the sun set and the temperature dropped even more.

-

We were just about back to Wammy's! I was happy, the sun hadn't set yet and Near seemed to still be asleep. Things were getting better already.

The building was just a few yards away from us when I felt Near shift around on me, and instantly I knew he was awake. Unfortunately, I'd kind of hoped he'd stay asleep until we got upstairs.

I hadn't thought about any kind of story I might give Roger if he ended up standing right by the door when we walked in. We already looked suspicious enough. I suppose I'd just have to wing it, and see what happened.

"Just a bit longer," I told Near, "We're practically there."

I felt the way Near turned his head in order to look ahead of us and see where exactly we were, and how close we were to Wammy's.

"Near." I told him, watching the building now. "Keep your eyes closed."

"Why?" He asked me.

"It'll make sense when we get there." I told him. I figured if he looked like he was sleeping, then maybe I could get away from Roger long enough to take Near upstairs, and _then_ begin trying to think of stories.

Near nodded and rested against me again, just as I reached the building and began up the stairs to the front door.

The moment I opened the door, we were bathed in a veil of warmth from the inside, and I almost wanted to just stop and let myself thaw a bit. But I didn't have time for that. I needed to get upstairs and get Near away from everyone first.

Matt was standing in the entry way. Maybe Roger had bribed him somehow into waiting there for me or something. He looked up at me from one of his games. Seeing Near on my back, he instantly made the connection. Though I knew he was still confused. "Hey Mels, what's w-."

I cut him off, "Don't ask."

"So did you get into the meeting?" He asked, knowing how much I'd wanted to go to them in the beginning. Before I knew what they _really_ were. I couldn't tell him that, though.

"Something like that." I finally answered vaguely, starting towards the stairs.

"Did you get your answers?" He asked, again referring to the time before I knew, when I was desperate to find out what happened at those things.

"No." I started towards the stairs, hoping my firm tone would be enough to shut him up.

"Where's Watari?" I swear… if I hadn't been holding Near up, I would have hit Matt for asking so many damn questions at one time! Didn't he see I had more important things to deal with?

"God damn Matt, why the hell are you asking me so many questions?" I snapped at him. I finally sighed, knowing I shouldn't have snapped, "Look, let me put him upstairs and calm down a bit, then I'll tell you what happened, okay?" I said, hoping to God Near didn't think I was serious about telling him.

"Yeah, okay." Matt said. I could tell that based on what'd been going on before now, he knew that something serious was going on, and now he must understand that it needed to be taken care of immediately.

Matt could be a real annoyance sometimes, with all his questions, but he was a good kid, overall. And a damn good friend, too.

"Roger's looking for you, by the way." He added just as I reached the stairs.

"I bet he is." I said, more to myself. Quickly digging into one of my pockets I retrieved the old man's cell phone and threw it over to Matt. "Here, give that to him."

"Will do, boss!" Matt said, pocketing the phone and giving a small salute before walking off in his own direction. I figured he was going to wait a little bit before actually giving the phone back. If he gave it to Roger immediately, then Roger would know that I was back, and would instantly seek me out.

This way, it gave me some time with Near.

When I finally reached the second floor, Near's voice suddenly asked, "How did you know?" His volume was still quiet, though.

"Know he was there?" I asked, heading down the hallway to Near's bedroom as he nodded in response. "I didn't. I figured Roger would be there ready to yell at me, not Matt."

Near fell silent again until we finally reached his cold room. In reality, it probably wasn't any colder than any other part of Wammy's. But because of how plain, and white it was, it gave off the feeling of ice to me. There seemed to be so little life in this room.

I set Near down, just to watch his eyes divert from me and his fingers reach up to his white curls to begin twirling a lock of hair. "Would you mind leaving for a short amount of time so I can take a shower?" He asked.

Instantly my mind took in the way Near look –so taken back from the world. There seemed to be such little emotion painted on his face, despite what'd happened to him not long ago. I wasn't sure what to positively make of that, but my instant reaction told me that that wasn't good at all.

"Yes." I said, without thinking. The moment after I said it, however, I realized how wrong that sounded. "I mean…" But no other words came to mind, frustrating me, "Fuck!"

I ran my own fingers through my hair and looked away from Near –trying to get the ability to think again. I was so afraid that Near was depressed under all of the… nothingness that he was showing me. I was so afraid of what might happen if I left him alone for too long…

"Fine!" I finally said, knowing that I _needed_ to let him do this. He needed to feel like he could clean himself of all the invisible filth he believed L had left on him. Until he did that, nothing could be accomplished. "But I'm staying here, and you're being timed, no longer than ten minutes, got it?"

"Ten?"

"Yeah." I said, "You can have longer when I make sure you're at least all right."

Near hesitated, but he must have been able to tell that I wasn't going to crack with this. So, finally he gave a reluctant nod and turned to go into the bathroom and begin his shower.

The moment I heard the water running I let out a heavy sigh and sat down on the side of his bed. I felt so defeated, and terrible about myself, and just… tired.

I wanted to just crawl under the blankets in my bed and sleep for a few days. Or maybe a year… just to calm my nerves and escape from all of this Hell.

I looked over at the door of the bathroom and had to wonder if I could ever fix this mess better in my dreams than I seemed to have been doing in reality.

A/N: Wow… it takes me so long to write one of these chapters now. I hate it! I have so little time to ever do anything, and because of it, it depresses me. I really want to feed you guy's desire to read more, but my school says I need all my time for it, this year. I haven't found a common ground, yet, but I am working on it. People who read BP know what the next chapter'll be. People who don't will just have to wait and see. Anyway, please tell me what you think and I'll try to update this again soon!

Please review!  
_-Forbiddensoul562_


	28. Lose Yourself

A/N: First off, right off the bat I need to say thank you to every single person who reviewed the last chapter. I did not expect the feedback that I got from it, but it was all very well appreciated. Usually I reply to the greater majority of all reviews I get, but I didn't this time simply because I knew I was going to be thanking you all on here. I'm speaking to every person here when I say all of your comments and motivation really inspired me and made me realize why I do all of this. Because I love all of you, and, honestly, no matter how much competition I ever get, I will always know, from now on, that no one has as great of readers as I do. Thank you all. I love you.

Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note or any of the characters used in this story.

Chapter 28: Lose Yourself

I couldn't just sit on Near's bed and stare out the window any longer. But I knew I couldn't leave Near's room either. But the sound of the running water from the shower was beginning to drive me completely insane.

It was weird how protective of Near I was right now. I could feel just how tense my body was simply because he wasn't here. My mind kept showing me images of him crying at the bottom of the tub, or washing his body so hard that it began scratching his skin or something.

I shivered at the thought and stood up, going over to the window and taking out a chocolate bar. But I couldn't bring myself to eat it yet. I was far too worried for that.

What was I going to do now? How could I possibly help Near now? I sighed, unable to bring any options to mind. Where the hell was that damn book when I needed it?! Where in it would it tell me what to do when someone so innocent was raped by his idol, and now his defense couldn't protect him?

With a sigh I pushed that thought away as well. It was strange how I couldn't seem to keep hold of any thoughts anymore. This is what Near did to me. He always had. He drove me to a whole new level of insanity. One where I was mad, and lost my thoughts, yet I was perfectly calm at the same time.

I sighed again and let my eyes close. How long had it been? Wasn't I supposed to be timing him? Maybe it'd been two or three minutes. Or maybe even an hour. I'd never know the difference.

Why did I care so much? That question had been plaguing me since this whole thing had started, and still I couldn't shake it.

Near drove me so insane sometimes. But I couldn't just leave or push him away like I did. I cared for once and because of it, there was just no turning back.

My thoughts came to a sudden screeching stop as I replayed my thoughts. _'I care, for once… I care about what's going on… I… care about Near.'_

My eyes shot to the bathroom door and I considered over exactly what I had told myself. Somehow… I cared about Near. I was beginning to even dare to say more. Everything just pointed to that conclusion.

The thing that surprised me the most about that, though, was that I didn't really mind so much.

I thought I should mind, considering who it was and all. But when I really laid my thoughts on it… I didn't. I just, didn't care so much. It felt right. Like it was always there, building, and had finally showed up now.

I sighed once again and looked back out the window of Near's room onto the snowy landscape. Pressing my chocolate bar against my lips I looked out to the forest. Somewhere out there was that little stream where I felt my entire sanity lie.

Suddenly I heard the door of the bathroom open and out of the corner of my eyes I could see him step out. I paused for another long minute –trying desperately to find something to say, or think of what I was going to do from here on out.

Finally, I let my eyes lift and look over at him. His hair was still dripping wet from the shower, and his clothes clung to his body in some places. But other than that, he looked just to same –emotionless expression and all.

"Better?" I finally asked, my eyes still trailing over him. I suppose I was trying to see him in a new light, considering the epiphany I'd had earlier. Because of it, I had no idea what I was going to do.

I watched as he nodded in response, then crossed the room and sat down on the end of his bed –his hands folded together and his eyes looked down to the floor. I figured that, by now, the thought of what exactly had happened to him was hitting and he was feeling all the effects of it.

At the same time, I'm sure he had no idea what to do now. Usually, after one of these, somehow he composed himself and fell back into his natural persona in a matter of hours. But, I'm sure now, he knew things would be different.

I turned more so I could lean against the wall and look straight at him. "Tell me what happened?" I requested. I didn't want to force him into anything, so he wouldn't pull away from me. Hell, I didn't even know if he had started to pull away from me or not!

Near shook his head, and instantly I thought that he didn't trust me enough to tell me anymore.

"Why not?" I asked.

"I can't…" He told me, his voice trailing off in the end, and in his eyes I could see a small pained expression –like he was reliving it right before his eyes. I had to wonder, did he really not trust me so much anymore?

"Near I'm trying to help you." He'd told me about his nightmare that one night. Why was it so hard to tell me again? Maybe if I knew what'd happened, the answer as to what I should do would just come to me.

It was the fact that he didn't trust me, though, that was starting to get to me. Sure, I'd screwed up, but how did I deserve _this_?

"I know that."

"Then why can't you tell me?" I asked, my frustration exploding out through my voice. I watched, however, the way Near only slightly cringed away from me the way he usually did when I got annoyed.

If I didn't know any better I'd say he was in a state of shock or something… I wouldn't blame him if he was. All I wanted to do was make this all better… but he was making it difficult.

"It's difficult…" He admitted, and I could just hear in his quiet, distant tone that, what he meant was that it was hard for him to admit it. Whether to me, to anyone, or even himself. I could understand that much.

"If you just told me it'd get it off you and onto someone else. It'd help and you know it!" I began playing with the idea that, just maybe, he actually wanted to just keep it to himself so he _would_ suffer from it. Like a personal punishment. I near shuddered at the thought.

Near cringed and slid back a bit on the bed. Maybe he thought I was going to hit him or something. "Who said I wanted to put it on someone else?"

"You did when you told me about it in the first place!" I said, my tone getting even louder then. In the back of my mind I knew I needed to keep quiet before someone heard me. But I just couldn't help myself. I hated the feeling of not knowing whether or not Near trusted me anymore. Not to mention losing control of the situation.

Near's eyes were downcast, and I watched him closely as I waited for him to respond. But he never did. I watched the way his hands shook where they were clenched in his lap. And suddenly, I saw something that made me stop completely. Any anger or insecurities I might have had before faded out of me.

Near was crying. Single tears slipped from his closed eyes, down his cheeks and dripped off onto his hands. Had I caused that? I thought so.

I finally stepped closer to Near and kneeled in front of him, carefully taking his chin between my fingers to lift his face and make him look at me. His eyes remained closed, and thus could not see all of my concern.

"Near," I asked, "What is it?" But even as I spoke, I knew that I already knew the answer to the question.

In response he squeezed his eyes closed even tighter. "This is my fault, and I despise seeing the effects that it's having." He told me.

"What are you talking about?" I asked, honestly as my hand moved up a bit to touch his cheek. It made sense for a rape victim to think it was all their fault, I knew, but in this situation hadn't we established that this was _my_ fault for not getting there in time?

He instantly moved away from my touch, as I should have expected. But I wasn't about to just let him get away with pushing me away.

I moved closer to grab him again, "Near!"

"Mello!" He retorted in a louder voice, catching me off guard, and sending a wave of realization flooding over me.

I understood what was going on now. Near's body was breaking underneath all of this trauma. That's what was crying. His mind, on the other hand, was trying to be as strong as ever, and not show anything to the world. However, he wasn't able to do that so well. His emotions were going crazy in his body, and he just didn't know how to deal with that.

I didn't say anything, and instead only sat back from him and watched as he curled over to hide his face from me. But I could see the tears continuing to fall from his eyes.

"I'm sorry…" He told me, his emotions coming to the surface as a broken version of him. I'd never seen Near like this, even that night where he'd told me about his nightmares. It'd never been _this_ bad.

"Near…"

He continued speaking as though I hadn't even spoken. "I'm sorry that this is all my fault. I gave in to him and didn't fight at all… it's all my fault."

I couldn't watch this anymore. I couldn't just watch Near break in front of me and not do anything about it. If I was regain any trust from him at all, then I needed to act now, when we both knew he needed me the most.

I moved back to him and took his hot face again, forcing him to look straight at me. His endless coal eyes looked so much different, and so much more innocent when they were filled with a glassy film.

"Near, listen to me," I told him, "This isn't your fault. If you'd done anything against L he would've just made it even worse. Stop blaming yourself when you know there's little else you could have done."

"It's pointless for you to tell me not to blame myself when you know I'm going to. Besides, I'd rather not place much of the blame onto you." He told me, looking away.

I forced him to look back at me, watching him cringe but not taking it to heart as I normally did. I needed to get this across to him. "And what makes you think that I'm not _willing_ to take the blame for this one?"

He remained silent this time. At least I'd made some kind of effect.

I sighed in relief and let myself gain a sense of calm before I continued. After all, I was trying to help, not scare him. "Look, you and I both know this is difficult. Especially now. I don't know what else to do, Near! But I know for certain that more than anything I can't stand to see you like this." The words slipped from me before I could get a grasp over what I had said.

His expression didn't change as he spoke, "That's ironic seeing as you used to love putting me in pain."

For some reason his words tugged on my heart. Of course I had before, since I hadn't seen the side of Near that I did now. It felt like I hadn't even really known who he was until now. I finally gave a small chuckle, "I know." I paused, looking down and trying to figure out what I was going to say next.

"I hate seeing you this broken." I finally continued, "When I've also seen how strong you can be, Near. Hearing what you say now and witnessing how completely broken down you are just…" What was the word I was looking for? I looked down again as I tried to think –Near always stole away all my words.

"Just what?" He asked quietly, and in that moment I knew that at least I had his attention.

I let my mouth take over and didn't think about what I was saying, or why. "It just makes me want to convince you out of that. I want to make you better. I want to make you feel divine, and beautiful, and strong. I want to protect you like no one else can!" It felt like my confession…

Near didn't say anything for a long minute, and instead just looked straight at me. I would've given anything to see what he was thinking about in that instant.

Finally, he asked, "What did you have in mind?"

I felt my heart lift. At least he hadn't pushed me away again. Not only that, but this meant that he was trusting me again. But now came the hard part… what did I do now? How did I convince him that this wasn't his fault, or make him better, at that.

I looked away again so I could think. _'What to do… what to do…'_ I continuously asked myself. I felt like I had been put on the spot, and that if I did something wrong it might ruin everything I'd already worked for.

Suddenly, I felt Near's hand cover my own hand, which was still resting on his cheek. My eyes flicked back to him instantly and I tried desperately to search Near for any signs of what he wanted. I wish he would just tell me… I'd give him anything.

Finally, after a long moment I saw what I needed to see in him. I saw the one emotion that needed to be true, and gave me the courage to continue.

Trust.

I sighed, trying to force all of my hesitance out of my body so Near wouldn't sense it as I grasped the hand he'd placed over mine, and moved it closer to me, and finally into my hair. My heart raced in my chest as I prepared this. I knew he always liked playing with my hair, so I hoped that would help. I then moved my other hand closer to the back of his neck and we moved closer together –our eyes never once breaking the connection.

"I have something… but-."

"Mello." He cut me off. I could just tell, both of us were nervous, but he was trying to dismiss that. He didn't want to let that destroy whatever might happen.

I watched him, waiting for him to tell me to stop, or anything of the sort. But it never came, and I began to move closer to him –till I could practically feel his skin against mine.

I moved a bit to let my nose trail on his cheek, while I felt his jaw beneath my lips. Near definitely felt safe in my hold. Otherwise he wouldn't let me get this close to him. "You sure?" I finally asked.

He lightly nodded. I was sure that if I hadn't been this close to him I would've never noticed it.

I swallowed hard, knowing this was the moment of truth. It could make, or break us completely. I had no intention of letting anything bad happen. Carefully, I moved up and placed a small kiss as innocent as he was on his forehead before moving down to his lips.

I lightly pressed my lips to his and held us there. I didn't want to push him into anything, of course, and was still afraid of how exactly he would react. His fingers, which had previously been twirling my hair ceased their actions, and he just remained still.

I finally pulled back to find his eyes open already. Maybe he'd left them partially open or something. It was hard to place exactly what emotion he might be feeling, for his whole body was so emotionless.

He watched me, taking in my wondering state and again I wanted so bad to just know what he was thinking. Did he like that? Did he hate it? Should I never do anything like that again? I needed to know something!

His eyes moved over me again and I watched as he lifted one of his hands up to his hair –beginning to twirl it. "Mello…" He said, hesitantly. "Would you find me disgusting if I asked you to do that again?"

I felt all of my worry drain out of my body the moment I heard that, and I couldn't help but grinning a bit. It made me so happy to hear those words that I didn't even bother retorting on the fact that he thought he was disgusting.

"Of course not." I told him. Carefully, and acting on impulse, I took his hand that was in his lap and moved the fabric of his shirt up to the crook of his arm. As gently as possible, I pressed my lips lightly on his wrist –right over the pulse point.

After a moment, I pulled away from there and slipped up closer to him and right by his ear, "Close your eyes." I whispered.

I had to pause a moment, letting myself try and relax a bit so I didn't come across as tense. My lips trailed his jaw and finally touched Near's own once again.

Almost instantly I felt Near kiss my back. It was breathtaking to feel him _need_ this like I seemed to too. Why he did, I wasn't sure. But as for me… it felt like I hadn't been whole my whole life until this moment. It was a weird feeling… but good nonetheless.

I continued to feel like I just needed so much more of him and it was hard for me to stop myself. I let my hands trail into his hair as my lips moved down to Near's neck, kissing and nipping at the area.

My eyes were closed, and all I could imagine was Near and I. What was going to happen, I didn't know. My body knew where I wanted it to go, but my mind said no. Unfortunately, the actions were being controlled by my body –not my mind.

I heard Near call my name, and I figured he liked this treatment. My heart swelled –feeling proud of myself for being able to make him feel good after everything that'd happened.

"Mello…" I heard from him again as I bite at the area. I thought about pulling back a bit so this wouldn't be so overwhelming. But I couldn't right now. I was too far gone already to even think about stopping now.

"Mello!

A/N: So, as I was writing this I realized that this was a lot better in Near's POV. This chapter, I mean. It just made more sense, I guess. Like, this ending doesn't have the same cliff-hanger feeling as the original did. Oh well, it wasn't bad at all, really. I didn't mind it. Anyway, I want to thank everyone for reviewing last chapter, again. I love you all! Also, there's a new poll on my profile dealing with BP. Please go leave a response! And, as always, let me know what you think!

Please review!  
_-Forbiddensoul562_


	29. Too Pleasing

A/N: First off, thanks to everyone who reviewed! It's sad how this story is very close to it's end. I think I've pretty much decided it, though. I'm going to finish this story, and then I'll begin work on the actual sequel to Broken Pride. Now, don't get me wrong, the said sequel won't be out for a while. I still have Erosion and Little Lost Bunny to work on, first. This story needs a break, and so do I, so I can think. So… after this one ends… it'll be done for a bit. However, there will be a section on my profile about the news of how it's coming, and things of that nature. Thanks to everyone who'd been voting I the poll!

Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note or any of the characters used in this story.

**Warning:** This is a lemon chapter, if you don't like it then don't read it. Don't review me telling me how stupid this chapter is because I tried to make it as seemingly possible as I could.

Chapter 29: Too Pleasing

"Mello!" I heard Near's voice break with desperation, and it was in that moment that I realized what I was doing.

I jolted away from him until I hit the wall; my eyes widened, and couldn't seem to get any air into my lungs. "Near!" I looked away for a minute to collect my thoughts. "I went too far."

'_Dammit…'_ I scolded myself. _'Of course I ruin something so perfect all because I can't control my own body!'_ Whatever relationship we had had before was lingering by a thread now, and it felt like I'd just cut that.

I looked once at Near to see him trying to collect himself. What was he thinking? Hopefully, he was trying to realize that this was me… that I would never _purposefully_ mean to… do exactly what I did.

I looked away again, my thoughts yelling about how I'd just screwed everything up. Why couldn't things just go alright for once?

"Why did you do that, Mello?" Came Near's quiet voice. From that, I was unable to see what he was really getting at.

I finally looked back at him, questioningly, trying to read him for any motive behind the question. But he was hiding everything from me again. I wanted to lie… but what if he caught me in it? At the same time, the truth seemed like just as bad of an option. It… made me come across the wrong way.

Even so, I knew it would have to be the best option out of the two. And if things started to go wrong, I could always find a way out of it, or put it back on him.

"I've wanted to do that for a long time. Well… ever since this started and I saw the human side of you." I said, though I wasn't sure if it was true. Had I wanted it that long? Before now I'd always thought it was just a protective side. But… perhaps.

"I see." He said simply, looking away. Again I wondered what he was thinking. Did he think I'd only helped him out because of this sick attraction?! I hoped it hadn't come across that way.

But in any case, I tried to change the subject, "Memories?" I asked, trying to get him to keep him talking.

He nodded.

"Yeah…" I said, feeling awkward now. "Should've known." And it was true, I should've known that something like that would happen. It was to be expected, after all.

Suddenly, Near said something, and it caught me completely off guard, but I couldn't help but let it make my heart skip a beat, either. "Mello," He said, "I'd very much like for you to continue."

I watched him, with confusion evident in my eyes. I wanted him to continue and say something else. Why did he want me to continue? How? What was going on?! "Why?" I asked.

Near didn't answer for a long minute, and then finally his hand reached out for mine –there was still no expression on his face to hint to whatever he was planning on doing. So, I simply decided to go along with it, and gave him my hand.

Carefully, as though afraid he might do something wrong, he placed my hand on his warm cheek and his eyes slipped closed. I could only watch, speechless, as he spoke, "Do you realize, Mello, that you're the only one who could do this without me flinching away? Your actions make everything else a blur to me and even though I don't understand it, it's still nice."

I couldn't believe what he was saying. I wanted him to continue. I _needed_ to hear more. "So?" I finally asked in my attempt to get him to keep talking.

"With this knowledge," He continued, "I now have a new theory…" His eyes slid open and watched me –a small blush appearing on his cheeks.

From this, I suddenly understood what he'd been getting at.

He… he wanted me to take everything away from him. He had these terrible memories of being raped by L, and yet when I touched him… they all faded away. He wanted that escape. If only for that small amount of time.

"It's not that you want to forget," I finally said carefully. I knew that assuming Near wanted to forget it all would be foolish. He wasn't the type to forget anything, of course. "You just want to cover it up."

He nodded, "I understand that forgetting would be a near impossibility, but at the very least I would like to cover it up with better memories; I'm very sure this theory made sense."

I actually wasn't sure if it did or not. Maybe… Near was just so desperate for something to cover those dreadful memories he harbored that he would take anything. And since I had pushed for that kiss before… that had been the one thing he clung on to.

I wasn't so sure if this was a good idea… but I knew I couldn't say no. I saw and felt the way his hands shook lightly where they held mine against his cheek. No… rejection would not be a good thing for him right now.

I wasn't even sure I _would_ say no, if given the option. If given the chance to make things easier on Near –whether right or wrong- who would I be to say no?

"I see." I said with a small smirk –throwing his words right back at him.

His eyes filled with a certain need. "Mello." He wanted to hear more. He'd just admitted his every weakness to me, in a way, and now he was desperate to know how I was going to react to it. I couldn't blame him.

Instead of responding, I moved up closer to him, my free hand cradling Near's face better. I kissed his forehead as an innocent gesture, first, before looking him straight in the eyes. There was once a time where he couldn't meet my eyes. But now, it was as if those needy orbs of grey couldn't be moved from mine for anything in the world.

"I'm not going to do anything that brings back memories." I tried to assure him.

"I'm confident that it won't this time." He tried to assure right back. I didn't believe him, though. "And even if it does," He continued, "The end result should still be better than my current state."

I watched him for another long minute –battling with my inner demons that told me I might not be the one who should do this to him. That I didn't have the right to be here and even be discussing this with him.

But those eyes… those dark eyes that watched me with so much need and trust. It was those that made me finally sigh, and lean closer to his ear, "You sure?" I whispered.

I felt his body shiver, and it was impossible to determine if it was because of my closeness, or because of the breath on his sensitive skin. He nodded anyway.

I bit my lip momentarily, trying to cast out all my hesitance before I finally said, "Fine. If we both want that then who am I to say no? But, if you want me to stop at any time then say something."

He nodded in agreement, and I felt a wave of nervousness wash over me. This was such a delicate situation…

I kissed his cheek once, before then moving and kissing his lips. Thankfully, after a moment he kissed back, and I felt his fingers move to my neck and up into my hair; he had such a gentle touch.

After a moment I broke the kiss just enough to speak, "Relax, okay?" I wasn't sure which of us I was trying to tell that to –him, or me- but he nodded anyway.

One of my hands traveled down to his middle, urging him to move back on the bed –which he instantly complied to –moving up to lay fully on the bed.

I crawled over him –my hands shaking with every move I made, but somehow I was able to kiss him quickly, before letting my lips make a trail down his throat to his collar bone. I felt his head move to the side and heard the soft moan he let out.

Every moment that he didn't say anything against what I did, or tell me he was see those memories, it made a whole new wave of confidence shoot through me –till finally I found the ability to begin unbuttoning his shirt.

As my lips trailed after my fingers on the pale flesh, I couldn't believe I was doing this. I couldn't believe he was _letting_ me do this. There were small marks here and there on his skin from where L had been, but they didn't bother me at all anymore. I was in the state of mind to think that I was going to be the one covering them up.

I was going to make things right.

Near gripped at my shirt and tried to pull it off me as I completely finished with his –but I wouldn't let him yet. I felt him shiver as I pushed away the material of his shirt, but I paid that no mind as my lips explored the pale, perfect skin of his chest.

I heard the sounds coming from Near, then finally his fingers pulled at my hair a little bit, and I followed –moving up to kiss him, but surprisingly, he sat up a bit and met me before I got to him.

As we kissed I pushed off his shirt completely, and he was trying to take mine off again. This time, I let him have what he wanted and broke the kiss so I could pull off my shirt, before then kissing him passionately again.

As our tongues melded together a new fire shot through my body and I was pushed over the edge with need to continue.

I broke the kiss so he could lay back again, then moved down his body. He was so soft, and he tasted amazing at the same time. He was like heaven.

My lips finally stopped at the waistline of his pants. I could feel my own heart racing, so I knew that his had to be as well. But even so, he nodded in response.

Without another word I let my fingers slip under the line and draw them off Near's body –leaving him lying completely exposed to me, with the exception of the small white boxers he was wearing.

There was only one thing that came to mind as I looked over his body completely, and in that moment I knew I had to tell him it, as well. I moved up Near's body and kissed just below his jaw, "Cute." I said.

"Cute?" He asked, and I heard his doubt.

"Of course," I said, kissing the area again. "Would I lie to you?" I teased with a small grin, but he didn't respond.

I kissed him a few more times before sliding back down his body to continue where I'd left off. I moved to the last remaining article of clothing on him and my eyes darted up, asking again.

And like before, he nodded. I felt an underlying surprise that he was really letting me do this… that he really trusted me to this degree.

I finally removed the last part that covered him, and just like that, Near was lying fully exposed beneath me. The feeling that it shot through my body was like nothing I'd ever felt before. Even as I saw his hands shaking where they were gripping his sheets, I couldn't think anything else except how beautiful he was.

I lowered myself to Near's member, with the feeling that he was watching me, and I decided to tease him just a bit –exhaling a warm breath against him that made him suddenly moan, and his body go tense.

I exhaled another breath and the response was immediate, "Mello!" He complained.

I chuckled, and decided that I had enough mercy to spare him. My lips then parted and I let my tongue begin licking over the head and down the shaft of his member; instantly I heard him moaning.

"Please…" He begged.

I gave in, completely taking him in my mouth and continuing the attention to him –the moans he let off being my fuel to continue. So long as I heard those, I knew that I was doing something right.

He moaned once more and I listened as he spoke. "Mello… I'm going to…"

Instantly, I drew myself off him. "Not yet." I told him as our eyes met; I didn't want to let things end that soon. There was still so much more.

Near must've understood what was going to happen now, for he nodded without another word from me. Then again… there was no doubt he had to know, considering… all that'd happened. With that thought, I knew I would need to be even more careful about this.

I moved back from him, quickly shedding the rest of my clothing off before turning, and catching the sight of him looking over me with those analyzing dark eyes. I wondered what he was thinking, but I didn't bother to ask.

I moved up to Near, taking one of his hands from the bed sheets and kissing his knuckles –my eyes staying locked only on him. "I'll be gentle, I promise." I swore, needing him to know that.

"I know." He said as he nodded. Somehow… that was enough to convince me that he did understand.

I pulled back, quickly coating my fingers in my own saliva. Afterwards I looked back at him, waiting… for anything. For him to urge me on, to suddenly have second thought, anything. But it never came.

Instead, he motioned for me to come closer to him again, and the moment I did so, his arms wrapped around me tightly. I could almost feel his nervousness through the action.

He watched me for a long moment, before finally saying, "Please be gentle, Mello." He said, and as if the actions weren't enough to show how scared he was, the words did. It just threw the whole thing right back at me, and gripped tightly to my heart.

"I already told you I would." I tried to assure him.

"Go slow…" He added anyway.

I simply nodded, "Of course."

Suddenly, I got an idea, and wrapped my arms around him, hoisting him up into my arms and sitting back so he was now in my lap instead. Perhaps this would be better. "Ready?" I asked.

Near buried his face into the crook of my neck and I held him tighter even as he nodded.

Carefully, I inserted my first finger into him and felt the way he tensed instantly. I knew the pain had to be bad after what he'd been through earlier that day, but I tried to make it better by pausing and letting him adjust.

He bit the skin on my neck, but it didn't bother me. If that helped, then I wasn't going to say anything about it. After a few moments, though, he nodded and I knew it was my sign to continue.

I added another finger in him and felt his grip over me, and the bite on my neck instantly intensify. He was letting off small whimpers of pain, but I doubt he even knew he was doing it, otherwise they'd be more muffled than they were.

I felt bad for causing this pain, but I told myself that I'd be able to make it better eventually, and that was what helped me continue.

I wanted to distract him, though, too. Thus, I turned more into him and began placing kisses along his neck and shoulders and even as I inserted my third finger, I felt his body relax against me.

"Near." I said against him once I felt that he was well adjusted. Instead of responding, though, he let go of my neck and moved to kiss me. It was soft, yet passionate at the same time –I could just feel his ease and complete trust through the action.

Finally, our kiss broke and he retook his place at my neck and I lined us up. I wanted to say something to him… something to ease him anymore, but the words wouldn't come to me, so I decided against the idea.

My hands gripped his waist and slowly I began to enter him.

I felt the instant reaction from Near –his fingers gripping hard at my back till I thought he might've broken the skin, and a small cry that made me stop suddenly to let him adjust.

It only took a few moments before I heard his breath become evened out again. "Near?" I asked, just to be sure.

"Please go." He said, in that monotone voice that made me unsure of whether he was serious or not. But I was in no place to be second guessing it right now. I wanted to make his pain go away, and realistically, there was only one way to do that.

I continued on, even against the small cries Near let out, until I was fully inside him. He was so tight, despite being ripped apart by L, and incredibly hot. I wanted to move so bad in him, but I had to wait.

I pulled him back and quickly kissed him. "It hurt." He told me.

"I know. I'll make it better." Near nodded in agreement.

I began to move in him, slow motions in an attempt to help him feel some pleasure in this. And from the soft moans he began to let out, I knew I was achieving just that. It brought back that fire in my body to make him feel so good, and make this absolutely perfect.

"Faster, Mello, please!" He pleaded, and I instantly complied, moving him up and down at a quicker speed while searching for that one spot in him that would take any residual pain away from him.

Suddenly, Near arched against me and a loud moan ripped past his lips sending a jolt of electricity through my body. I knew I'd found it. "Do it again." He pleaded.

I gripped him tighter and did just that, hitting the same spot in him again and again until every breath Near exhaled came out as a moan. But that wasn't enough for me. I reached between our bodies and gripped Near's member, pumping in time with my thrusts into him.

I watched as Near's head fell back and he moaned out, "Close…" Then, he took control of his own actions –moving to meet each of my thrusts. I bit my lip as I moaned, feeling my own end coming, but I wanted Near to be pushed over first.

Suddenly, Near arched into me, moaned one last time and suddenly came into my hand –his body went rigid around my member and forced me over the edge, to find my own euphoria.

I was breathing hard as I held Near close to me –but I watched as his blank eyes watched nothing and his mind slowly came down from the heavens.

What we'd just done… in the back of my mind, I knew it was such a sin. But I wasn't sure if I even cared right now. Perhaps the Gods could have mercy on me, since I had been doing this, not for myself, but for the better of Near.

As if he'd been reading my thoughts, I listened to Near's words as I lifted him off me and pulled him close to my chest. "God… oh God…" He was panting.

"Don't say that, Near." I said, resting my head on top of his and my eyes closed. "I doubt he's too pleased with us right now."

A/N: I know… I know… an awkward place to end for a terrible lemon chapter. But… I'm probably going to add a lot to the next part, and so I needed to leave that out, so I could consider it all later. Anyway, even though this lemon came out terrible, I hope all of you got some enjoyment out of it. Let me know what you think.

Please review!  
_-Forbiddensoul562_


	30. The Deal

A/N: Wow… I'm so sorry, everyone, for not updating this in so long. I've been kind of caught up in Erosion and just lost track of time, I guess. Anyway, more than likely, this will be the last chapter of this story, but I'm not going to go into thanks and everything until the end, just in case, for whatever reason, things don't go the way I'm anticipating they will. But, in any case, I hope everyone enjoys this chapter and leaves a nice review! It'd be a nice late present!

Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note or any of the characters used in this story.

Chapter 30: The Deal

Love. Arguably the strongest four-letter word there is in the English language. Or… that could just be me. Maybe I'm making it stronger than it really is. But, when you're dealing with Near, I suppose that word does come across that strong, since it's not something that you'd normally hear from him.

But that's what he'd said. No, that's what _I'd_ said to _him_. I told him I loved him. And then he asked me if he could love me back.

I'd played it off like I hadn't understood what he meant, and told him that of course he could. But in reality… I knew what he was trying to ask. He wanted to know if it was possible for him to love me.

I wanted to tell him yes, then. But… something had kept me from doing it.

Now, the next morning, I was sitting at the downstairs table, spinning my spoon around a bowl of untouched cereal and thinking over that exchange of words, and what we had done. I was confused. What was going to happen now?

Everything had seemed so perfect last night, but… I hadn't thought about what would happen after it. Would things be awkward? I'd probably end up accidentally making it that…

I sighed, trying to push the thoughts from my mind, as they were getting me nowhere.

Matt suddenly entered into the dining room and sat in front of me. "So much for talking, last night." He said without looking up from his handheld game.

My eyes flicked up to him, "I couldn't leave…" I admitted.

"Yeah, sure, of course. You know you haven't told me anything that's going on? I thought we were best friends, man, what the hell?" Even as he tried to scold me, I watched a small smile form on his face, showing me that he wasn't entirely serious.

"I can't." I told him.

"Still have to deal with Near, I guess?" He asked, letting his green eyes, behind the lenses of his goggles, flick over to me.

I nodded, "Yeah."

"But… you need to think?" He asked, and I nodded warily, wondering what he was getting at. "So what are you doing here?" He asked, "You know where you should be."

It was with the last part of his sentence that I understood what he was trying to say. I needed to think, but about Near; I needed to take him somewhere where I could think. That _one_ place.

I made to stand up, to leave and get Near, but suddenly Roger entered into the room, and I froze in place. I really didn't want to have to deal with him reprimanding me right now, but I knew that that was probably what was coming.

That is, until I saw his open cell phone held in his hand.

"Mello…" His voice was firm, but questioning, as well, "L would like to talk to you."

My heart dropped the moment he said that. L wanted to talk to me? What the hell could that bastard have to say to me _now?_ He was probably going to boast about his victory or something… bastard.

I took the phone from him, and sat down again to try and appear calm, but I knew it was a futile attempt. My anger was radiating off me. "Yes?" I asked, firmly.

"Ah, Mello, good." Though his voice was scrambled, it still somehow sounded pleasant, and happy to hear me. That in itself made me even more angry, and I was beginning to think that he knew that, and that it was exactly what he wanted.

"What do you want?" I shot back.

"Oh nothing much, I just wanted to talk for a few minutes. We'll have to keep this short, I am quite busy." I wanted to shoot the first insult that came to mind, but I kept quiet, instead, trying to remember that Roger was still standing there. "I wanted to commemorate your actions yesterday. It wasn't quite what I had predicted to occur."

'_So…'_ I stopped myself before I could let myself finish the sentence.

"This turn of events has also made me wonder some more, and now I realize that I cannot continue the way I have been before. But… at the same time, I cannot stop, either. That's why I've called you this morning."

"I don't understand." I told him as calmly as I could.

"I know you don't," He paused, "I want to make a deal with you, Mello…" He told me, his voice trailing off for a minute. But then he started again, explaining the deal to me. And as he did, my eyes began to widen in realization.

It was a ridiculous deal. One I didn't _want_ to agree to. But I should have known something like this was coming. After all, this _was_ L that was my opponent. How had I overlooked his ability to take a situation I thought I somewhat had under control and twist it around like this?

With this deal… we both knew that I didn't like it, but because I cared enough for Near… I would have no choice but to agree to it. We both knew it was going to be the ultimate sacrifice, and I think that's what he enjoyed about it.

My eyes fell to the table. "Yeah, I understand." I told him. "I…" I paused one last minute to think it over.

"I need your answer, Mello, my time runs thin." He pushed. Damn him… if I can't think it over, then I'm acting on impulse. There might be a way out, but he's not giving me the time to think about it and find it.

"I agree…" I finally told him quietly, feeling my soul being ripped out of me even as I said it.

"Very well, I'll be in touch. Until then, goodbye." With that, he cut the connection, leaving me holding a dead phone to my ear.

As I closed it, I swallowed hard, _'So… this is just a big experiment, L?'_

-

When I went back up to Near's room, it was a little after I had talked to L. I had forced myself to take a few minutes to compose myself and went into the kitchen to make Near a bowl of cereal, mainly so I didn't have to be around Matt.

I knocked lightly on the bedroom door, as my hands were too full to attempt opening it myself. Thankfully, after a moment, Near opened it, looking at me in confusion. "So you are up." I said, putting on a smile.

Though… after making this deal, it was harder to smile at him, knowing what I'd signed us away to.

"Only for a little bit." He told me, but I noticed that his hair was still damp, meaning he'd been awake long enough to take a shower, as was his normal morning ritual.

I entered into the quiet room, giving him the bowl I'd made for him and sitting down. I saw the way he gave a small smile at my kind gesture before coming over and sitting beside me.

As I looked down in the bowl, I felt the thoughts from before slowly creep up into me. I wanted to tell Near… but part of the deal said that I couldn't. Apparently not right now, anyway. I felt guilty, though, keeping it from him.

"What's on your mind, Mello? You look distracted?" His words cut through my thoughts and brought me back to reality again. I guess I probably did look very distracted.

I looked up and gave him a small smile, but I could see in his eyes that he didn't believe me; that he was seeing right past me. "It's nothing." I tried to tell him, "Don't worry about it."

"Did you talk to Matt?" He asked, obviously trying to pry his way past my defenses to figure this out.

"Yeah."

"How did that go?"

I grinned a bit before leaning closer and bringing my hand up around his neck, and pulling gently to me for a kiss. I just wanted to instill that feeling of comfort and contempt in him again, but he was digging into something he shouldn't.

"You're not getting it out of me that easily, Near." I knew all his tricks –he should know that better than anyone. Whether anyone believed it or not, I actually did know how to hide things from him, and keep my cool.

I quickly kissed his forehead, "Eat your cereal," I told him, before he could begin to pry anymore, "You're going to need it for today."

"Why?" He asked, without moving his eyes from me.

"Because, we're going for a walk outside today."

"Mello, even you admitted that I'm not suited for the winter outdoors." He told me, like I didn't know.

"Well you're going to have to be today, because we're going on this walk whether you want to or not." I definitely needed to do some thinking at my spot, but I wanted Near to come with me… even if I didn't know why.

I felt the way Near was watching me, but I didn't look back –feeling that I'd reveal too much if I looked at him now. "What brought this us?" He asked, finally.

"Do I have to have a reason?" I asked, somewhat coldly to put the subject at rest. Though, I did feel guilty when all Near did was look away and shake his head.

-

"Where are we going?" Near finally asked me, as we walked across the snow-covered yard of Wammy's. We'd just barely left Wammy's and already I could tell he didn't like this.

I rolled my eyes, "You'll see."

He didn't say anything back, but he was walking beside me, and I noticed the way he attempted to curl further into his jacket when a cold breeze blew past us. I couldn't deny it, even if I wanted to; he was so cute sometimes, and without even meaning to be.

Looking back in front of me, I reached over and took his hand, interlacing our fingers in a silent way to try and tell him that things would be fine. Though this was nothing compared to the events of the previous day, I knew he still always got anxious about being outside.

It took us about ten minutes to finally reach my spot, in the forest, with the bench by the stream, and instantly I could see that Near got the same feeling from it that I always did. His eyes brightened as he watched the running water.

"Sit down." I told him, as I led him over to the bench.

We dusted off the snow that had accumulated on it, and sat down. "You wanted to bring me _here_?" He asked, as if he didn't like it. But I knew he did, whether he wanted to admit it or not.

I nodded, "Yeah. I've always liked it here. It's nice, and for a while I could always come here and forget the rest of the world." I looked over and met his endless grey eyes. "Mainly, I used to come out here when you'd score higher on tests, than me. This place usually calmed me down a lot."

Near didn't say anything back as I looked away, and I was kind of glad he didn't. I was able to just close my eyes for a minute and forget the rest of the world. I could just let it all be taken away by the rushing water of the stream.

Nothing else mattered to me at this moment. It was just Near, myself, and this picturesque environment. Why couldn't the rest of the world be like this?

Of course, I knew the answer, but for this minute I didn't let it plague my thoughts.

Suddenly, I felt Near shuffle closer to me, till we were touching, and he rested his head against me. I opened my eyes in time to watch him close his. I smiled a bit, knowing that he was feeling peaceful, now.

I let my arms wrap around him, but I wasn't content with just this position, so carefully I moved him so he was instead sitting, facing me, in my lap. This way, not only would we be closer, but I could keep him warmer easier, as well.

I rested my head on his, and closed my eyes, but he didn't grant me silence for long. "Mello, I have a question." He said.

"Hm?" Was my only response.

"Last night…" He began, hesitantly, "I asked you if I could love you… but I have reason to believe that you misunderstood my question." Ah, that… I should have figured he'd want to bring that up sometime. And, of course it has to be now.

I didn't say anything, though, allowing him the chance to continue.

"What I meant was, is it _possible_ for me to love you?"

"I think it is." I told him.

"But why?"

"Because," How did I explain something as illogical as love to someone who goes _only_ by logic? "I… think that because what happened to you wasn't within your control, that you can still come back and find that ability to love, despite your damaged trust and everything else you suffer from, as side effects." I was actually quite proud of what I'd been able to throw together on the spot.

"Then… I don't love you now… but I could gain the ability over time." He said, thinking it over as he said it.

"Yeah, something like that."

He shifted a bit, and I felt as he placed a single kiss over where my heart was, and it instantly made it melt. It was those sweet actions from him that I really loved. "I would like to fall in love with you, Mello." He told me.

I quickly brought him up to kiss him, smiling a bit as I spoke, "That sounds better. And I think that what little patience I have can go to waiting for you to be that okay, again." My words sounded so awkward, but I knew he got my point.

"Will you still tell me that you love me?"

"Anytime you want."

"Tell me now."

I leaned forward and kissed him for a long minute, before drawing back just enough for a bit of space to whisper, "I love you."

He was the one to move forward and kiss me quickly, then move and let his head rest against my chest while his arms slipped under my jacket and held us closer.

We stayed silent, in that place for what felt like forever. I didn't know what he could be thinking about, now. Maybe he had fallen asleep… but, as for me… I couldn't help try to figure out what was going to happen in the future.

It was uncertain, yet known, at the same time. Because of this deal, I had a faint idea of what was coming up, but there was no way to ever be completely sure, with L. Who knew… maybe he would pull something completely opposite of what I was thinking?

It was so hard to tell.

I finally exhaled a small breath, and moved Near's arms up around my neck, so I could stand and carry him. "Come on," I told him, but stood anyway –still holding him close. While I wanted to get back before anyone noticed our absence, I still didn't want to separate us.

I had done my thinking, and I was ready to face the world again because I'd finally come to one conclusion.

I decided that, no matter what is was L was planning, or what he decided to do, so long as I had Near, and I could make sure he was safe, and no longer in the state he was when we started this journey, then that would be the best thing.

So long as I had him, everything else would be alright in my world.

_The end_

A/N: Yeah, yeah, I know… too cliché, I know. But, you know what, when I thought about what ending to put on this, this was the only thing that I could call to mind. So, deal with it! You all know you're getting a sequel for Broken Pride now anyway. However, let me tell you all. I do not plan on writing the sequel for a while! In the very least, I want to finish Erosion before I start working on it! Besides, this series has been at work for about two years, now, at least so it deserves a bit of a break.

Whenever I decide to put the sequel up, I'll put another chapter on this, and more than likely Broken Pride, as well letting everyone know. I have no idea what the title is going to be, yet, either. Bear with me, this might be a slow process!

As for this story, I want to thank everyone who has reviewed, and the people who have helped beta and muse this story! I really was beginning to think that I might never get it done, but, here it is! I'm so proud of myself for finally being able to finish it! I doubt I'll do something like this again for a while, though.

So… for one last time, for this story, please let me know what you think! Also, if you have any ideas for the sequel, that would be a great help. (By the way, I know I left the 'deal' thing in secret. If you didn't guess, that's the point! To keep you in suspense.)

Please review!  
_-Forbiddensoul562_


	31. Sequel Announcement (finally!)

Hello everyone~

So, I know it's been a very long time since anything has been done with this story (Or Broken Pride) but, I did promise you guys a sequel, and since the ending of this story people have been asking me, "When's the sequel coming out?!" And my answer has always been, "I don't know."

Honestly I felt as though I'd trailed so far from good characterizations in this that I honestly didn't even want to take on the task of trying to write and figure out a sequel (though at the time I had one in mind).

But, now, after 4 years long of a wait (Wow… I can't believe I let that go on so long… I can't believe someone didn't go, "dude, it's been X years. Get your shit together!") I'm starting to work on the sequel.

By, "work on the sequel" what I mean is I'm re-listening to playlists I use to help me make characterizations and thinking what I could possibly do to make a sequel.

SO! Things are in the works!

What I need from all of YOU! (If you still even care about this series, that is…)

**PLEASE**, go to my profile, and vote on the poll that's there, regarding the POV you want the sequel to be told from. (Like it says there, regardless of what you pick, there'd probably be an alternative story done later. Kind of like KATP was.) If you don't have an account, feel free to just review your answer to this chapter and I'll put it with the other results.

Also! If you have any thoughts on what should be added into the sequel, either PM them to me,** OR**, I really need a muse for the sequel… I need someone who has some ideas, who can help bounce them off of me, and who can help flush this sequel out. So, if you think you're up for the job, send me either a review on this, or a PM letting me know! Any help you can give would be delightful!

Thanks for waiting so long, if you still care about this story at all.

And thanks for voting.

-Forbiddensoul562


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